Table for one
I have been 21 for one month and four days. I suppose something magical is supposed to happen when you turn 21, why else would the government entrust me with alcohol? Though the interesting thing is something has happened. For one, I haven't been drunk since my birthday. It's not for lack of trying, I go out at least twice a week, but more from lack of desire. I believe there are moments when everything changes in your life. Now, you might not realize that a moment has just occured and the effects might not be felt for weeks or months; but with the benefit of hindsight you can see that moment for what it was, life changing. That night for me was July 29. It has become so infamous that my roommate and I simply refer to it as "that night". I can't explain what all happened that night, nor do I want to. What I will say is this; I pushed my boundaries to see where they might lead and when I found their inevitable end, it freaked me out. I swore off alcohol the next morning but that ended the next weekend when my friend Anthony came to town. And then my best-friend flew in from Montana and so we had to party it up. Every time I woke up in the morning I wished I had had one drink less (or two or three some nights). It wasn't that I found anything wrong with drinking in and of itself. It was that I didn't like the way I acted when I was intoxicated.
After Mike and I had been dating for about 9 months he proposed. Granted, he was incredibly wasted, yet he got down on one knee in the middle of a pool hall and asked for my hand in marriage. He told me that "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". I believed this. I still turned him down, of course, but from that day on I believed that the way I acted when i was drunk was the real me. What was I like? Well I loved to dance, could talk to anyone, and was superb at flirting. I was a riot. My friends bought me drinks if I didn't have cash because they loved the ball of energy I turned into. Then things began to change.
I would sit watching people, wanting to be real. I wanted to say things I couldn't say before and wanted people to believe them. I remember falling head over heels for a friend of mine and finally telling him...when I was drunk. The next morning I felt like a fool. I had meant everything but the alcohol had voided all of it. Two days later was my birthday...
Now here I am. It's a friday night and I am writing on my computer instead of going out. This is probably the first friday I have stayed in since school began. Truth be told, I haven't had a drop of alcohol all week. I even bought my favorite wine to eat with dinner and ended up not opening it. Maybe something magical does happen when you turn 21, alcohol is no longer forbidden so I no longer crave it. Though I know that is a load of bollocks. I was England all last year and I partied with the best of them. Maybe I'm just growing up. I'm not saying I want to give up alcohol. I love sitting back with friends and drinking a cold Shiner Boch.
What I know is that I already have enough regrets to last a lifetime and I don't need any help making more.
Saturday, September 30
Friday, September 22
I was raped.
This is something I can write, but I've never been able to say. Something that I hadn't thought about in years but was reminded of last week. I was on campus at Poor Yorick's Coffe Shop when I saw him. He was standing a couple people ahead of me and when I walked by, before noticing him, he had non-chalantly said "Hi". Remember how in those movies, moments like these are always shot in slow motion? Well it's true. I felt like I stared at him for hours, but it was only a second of hesitation before I responded with a tentative "hello". I quickly shuffled back into line, clutching my sandwich desperately. I wanted to run away, I looked around hurriedly, hoping there was someone else I knew. I felt trapped as if all the air was leaving the shop. Slowly the line dwindled and he paid for his order. Afterwards, he walked up to me and said "hello" again. I looked at him, unsure what to do. I hadn't seen him in over two years and I had so much to say but nothing was coming to my mind. Then he said it. He said he was sorry. "I've changed a lot in the last year and I want you to know I'm so sorry about what I did". I wanted to tell him that that wasn't enough, that I was 18 when it happend, that I had been a virgin. That I had thought of him everytime a friend recounted her story of her first time. That he was why I had become Pro-Choice. But I just stared blankly back, which prompted him to apologize again, assuming that I wasn't hearing him. Finally, I smiled (I don't know how but I did) and I told him I forgave him. I told him that it was two years ago and that people change and I accept that. I told him I had changed, that I was older and stronger. I didn't want to give him credit for all that I had gone through since then. I didn't want to confess my depression that had left me immobile for months. I couldn't let him think that he had been a positive change in my life but in reality the result of that depression, the counseling, my turn as a couselor to other young girls. It made me wonder if all that would have happened if I hadn't agreed to date him.
He walked away and I was left thinking all these things. I remembered what I had written on my facebook profile about "shit happens". I knew I had to live by my own words and retain the forgiveness I had given him years ago. But his confession had an opposite reaction on me. Now that I knew that he knew all along he had been wrong I wanted to make him feel worse. I wanted to tell him that I didn't forgive him, that I never could. I wanted to scream about how horrible of a person he was. Then I remembered my words again. "Shit happens, not forgiving someone only ruins your own life and proves how selfish you are to think you are the only one who has ever been hurt". And I knew that I would forgive him.
I've seen him twice since, he works in a building I have class in. He always says "hello" and I always respond. I have no desire for more or less. His presence reminds me of all that I have done and been forgiven for.
"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do"
and even if they do, forigve them anyways because life is too short to be angry.
Update: I saw him a lot that semester. It turned out that he worked in the same building that I had a class in. I thought our meetings twice a week were a cruel joke being played out by God at first. Then I realized that there had to be a bigger meaning. With each tentative 'Hello' I began to see him more as a person. There is something he took away from me that night but the ability to humanize him is what gave me the power to truly forgive him. Before, I had marginalized his actions by assuming he didn't know what he did. After he apologized, I had to come to grips with the fact that he had known full well the consequences of his actions- and he had still committed them. That was the hardest thing to forgive. I feel sorry for those who are never able to confront those who have perpetrated against them. These people have to live in the fear of the unknown. It's times like these that I know there is a God.
This entry has stayed as a draft for far too long and I'm submitting it now because...well, it's the truth and sometimes the truth needs to be heard.
This is something I can write, but I've never been able to say. Something that I hadn't thought about in years but was reminded of last week. I was on campus at Poor Yorick's Coffe Shop when I saw him. He was standing a couple people ahead of me and when I walked by, before noticing him, he had non-chalantly said "Hi". Remember how in those movies, moments like these are always shot in slow motion? Well it's true. I felt like I stared at him for hours, but it was only a second of hesitation before I responded with a tentative "hello". I quickly shuffled back into line, clutching my sandwich desperately. I wanted to run away, I looked around hurriedly, hoping there was someone else I knew. I felt trapped as if all the air was leaving the shop. Slowly the line dwindled and he paid for his order. Afterwards, he walked up to me and said "hello" again. I looked at him, unsure what to do. I hadn't seen him in over two years and I had so much to say but nothing was coming to my mind. Then he said it. He said he was sorry. "I've changed a lot in the last year and I want you to know I'm so sorry about what I did". I wanted to tell him that that wasn't enough, that I was 18 when it happend, that I had been a virgin. That I had thought of him everytime a friend recounted her story of her first time. That he was why I had become Pro-Choice. But I just stared blankly back, which prompted him to apologize again, assuming that I wasn't hearing him. Finally, I smiled (I don't know how but I did) and I told him I forgave him. I told him that it was two years ago and that people change and I accept that. I told him I had changed, that I was older and stronger. I didn't want to give him credit for all that I had gone through since then. I didn't want to confess my depression that had left me immobile for months. I couldn't let him think that he had been a positive change in my life but in reality the result of that depression, the counseling, my turn as a couselor to other young girls. It made me wonder if all that would have happened if I hadn't agreed to date him.
He walked away and I was left thinking all these things. I remembered what I had written on my facebook profile about "shit happens". I knew I had to live by my own words and retain the forgiveness I had given him years ago. But his confession had an opposite reaction on me. Now that I knew that he knew all along he had been wrong I wanted to make him feel worse. I wanted to tell him that I didn't forgive him, that I never could. I wanted to scream about how horrible of a person he was. Then I remembered my words again. "Shit happens, not forgiving someone only ruins your own life and proves how selfish you are to think you are the only one who has ever been hurt". And I knew that I would forgive him.
I've seen him twice since, he works in a building I have class in. He always says "hello" and I always respond. I have no desire for more or less. His presence reminds me of all that I have done and been forgiven for.
"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do"
and even if they do, forigve them anyways because life is too short to be angry.
Update: I saw him a lot that semester. It turned out that he worked in the same building that I had a class in. I thought our meetings twice a week were a cruel joke being played out by God at first. Then I realized that there had to be a bigger meaning. With each tentative 'Hello' I began to see him more as a person. There is something he took away from me that night but the ability to humanize him is what gave me the power to truly forgive him. Before, I had marginalized his actions by assuming he didn't know what he did. After he apologized, I had to come to grips with the fact that he had known full well the consequences of his actions- and he had still committed them. That was the hardest thing to forgive. I feel sorry for those who are never able to confront those who have perpetrated against them. These people have to live in the fear of the unknown. It's times like these that I know there is a God.
This entry has stayed as a draft for far too long and I'm submitting it now because...well, it's the truth and sometimes the truth needs to be heard.
Sunday, September 3
State Street Residential
holding fast until
the rent checks wear thin
because it hasn't sunk in, so far
when it's a drab routine
the dust starts building
until its hard to come clean
then my months stack up to an addictive crush
as if the drink weren't enough
a stagger cannot compete
there's no charm in being
a residential state street
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?
wish you could know
better than you show
with parted lips pointing down
that the whiskey soothes more than you could ever do
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?
er what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?
what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make
holding fast until
the rent checks wear thin
because it hasn't sunk in, so far
when it's a drab routine
the dust starts building
until its hard to come clean
then my months stack up to an addictive crush
as if the drink weren't enough
a stagger cannot compete
there's no charm in being
a residential state street
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?
wish you could know
better than you show
with parted lips pointing down
that the whiskey soothes more than you could ever do
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?
er what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?
what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make
Friday, September 1
may you only touch lightly
upon my broken dreams
a thought, a mind of you
given to me in weakness and truth
years past the simple words
spoken in, may I still claim
to know your thought
in the way i knew myself that day
you write on simplicity
and I am complicated by it
had I believed once you would only
touch lightly, i had been mistaken
response to seconds, and I am left shaking
upon my broken dreams
a thought, a mind of you
given to me in weakness and truth
years past the simple words
spoken in, may I still claim
to know your thought
in the way i knew myself that day
you write on simplicity
and I am complicated by it
had I believed once you would only
touch lightly, i had been mistaken
response to seconds, and I am left shaking
Sunday, July 9
She slept soundly next to me and I knew that her sleep was far easier than the questions that would occur upon her waking. I stared blankly out the window, watching the passing hills that had come to define my broken heart. I was leaving again and I wanted to scream. I wanted to say..
Fuck Leaving
Fuck Goodbyes
Anger is easier than sadness. She moved next to me, shifting to an unknown dream. I couldn't begin to explain what her presence meant to me. It had been a last minute revelation, that she would be travelling with me to the airport. I had been moved beyond words, never knowing this intimacy before. I had known love before with my family, strangers thrown together and commanded to love another. I had had lovers before, strangers who sleep together and therefore are commanded to love one another. This love was different. There was no give and take, just a state of being. A presence that did not require words. With no requests, all I could do was give.
Fuck Leaving
The train came to a slow stop and I softly bumped her shoulder. She awoke and I motioned with my eyes that it was time to go. It was I who led the way to the airport, having been through this station too many times. I had resolved to remain strong, the silence of our friendship helped. After we had found my flight and checked in my bags we went to eat breakfast. She had chosen a Burger King breakfast meal while I had bought a muffin and an extra water for her. She smiled gratefully and we settled back into our silence. It was these exchanges that others didn't understand. We would exchange small favors for each other without a word about paybacks or who had spent more on whom.............to be continued
Fuck Leaving
Fuck Goodbyes
Anger is easier than sadness. She moved next to me, shifting to an unknown dream. I couldn't begin to explain what her presence meant to me. It had been a last minute revelation, that she would be travelling with me to the airport. I had been moved beyond words, never knowing this intimacy before. I had known love before with my family, strangers thrown together and commanded to love another. I had had lovers before, strangers who sleep together and therefore are commanded to love one another. This love was different. There was no give and take, just a state of being. A presence that did not require words. With no requests, all I could do was give.
Fuck Leaving
The train came to a slow stop and I softly bumped her shoulder. She awoke and I motioned with my eyes that it was time to go. It was I who led the way to the airport, having been through this station too many times. I had resolved to remain strong, the silence of our friendship helped. After we had found my flight and checked in my bags we went to eat breakfast. She had chosen a Burger King breakfast meal while I had bought a muffin and an extra water for her. She smiled gratefully and we settled back into our silence. It was these exchanges that others didn't understand. We would exchange small favors for each other without a word about paybacks or who had spent more on whom.............to be continued
Saturday, June 10
“Liverpool Airport does not make announcements, please check your flight number and gate number”
The intercom buzzed with its announcement that the airport does not make announcements. I had always found this humorous but today it merely irritated me. I had been half-asleep in a plastic lounge chair, trying to forget all that I was leaving. I was only going home to Texas for Easter Break but this trip felt like practice for when I would really be leaving England. The thought left me feeling empty. It hurt even more that no one back home could understand. All my friends had been awaiting my arrival back home but for me it was no happy reunion. I looked around me at the empty airport. I had been forced to spend the night here because of my early morning plane. Airports are the loneliest places in the world and I had been through enough of them this past year to leave a permanent scar. There had been those friends and family who had tried to convince me not to leave and I found myself angry at them as I sat alone in this existence of my own making. Didn’t they understand how hard it was to constantly be leaving? The toll these airports had taken on my spirit couldn’t be measured and yet they were mad at me? I suppose that it’s the same either way. Leaving is as hard as being left. As a tear slid down my cheek I thought of those I would one day be leaving forever with the false promises of another tomorrow. I didn’t want to imagine how this would feel in June when I left Lancaster forever. Maybe I would be getting back to my ‘real life’ and I would be seeing all my friends and family that had missed me these past months. I couldn’t shake the feeling that even after I returned to them I would still have an empty space left by this past year.
I looked up at the computer screen to find my flight was boarding. Realizing that this would be like any relationship that you know must end, I walked away. I walked away from the thoughts that I knew would return in a few months. I walked away because staying would have been a pain I could not bear.
The intercom buzzed with its announcement that the airport does not make announcements. I had always found this humorous but today it merely irritated me. I had been half-asleep in a plastic lounge chair, trying to forget all that I was leaving. I was only going home to Texas for Easter Break but this trip felt like practice for when I would really be leaving England. The thought left me feeling empty. It hurt even more that no one back home could understand. All my friends had been awaiting my arrival back home but for me it was no happy reunion. I looked around me at the empty airport. I had been forced to spend the night here because of my early morning plane. Airports are the loneliest places in the world and I had been through enough of them this past year to leave a permanent scar. There had been those friends and family who had tried to convince me not to leave and I found myself angry at them as I sat alone in this existence of my own making. Didn’t they understand how hard it was to constantly be leaving? The toll these airports had taken on my spirit couldn’t be measured and yet they were mad at me? I suppose that it’s the same either way. Leaving is as hard as being left. As a tear slid down my cheek I thought of those I would one day be leaving forever with the false promises of another tomorrow. I didn’t want to imagine how this would feel in June when I left Lancaster forever. Maybe I would be getting back to my ‘real life’ and I would be seeing all my friends and family that had missed me these past months. I couldn’t shake the feeling that even after I returned to them I would still have an empty space left by this past year.
I looked up at the computer screen to find my flight was boarding. Realizing that this would be like any relationship that you know must end, I walked away. I walked away from the thoughts that I knew would return in a few months. I walked away because staying would have been a pain I could not bear.
Thursday, June 1
A good song
"If you don't know why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.
If you don't know Honey why don't you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did
If you don't well Honey then you dont.
I left you waiting.
At the least can we be friends?
Should have never started,
Aint' that the way it always ends?
On my life I'll try today, there's so much I felt I should say
But even if your heart would listen I doubt I could explain
If you don't know why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight...
I'm sorry that I'm such a mess
I drank all my money could get
I took everything you let me have
and then I never loved you back...
If you don't know, Honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now yeah need this
If you don't well, Honey, then you don't
and if you don't well, Honey, then you don't
If you don't know, Honey, then you don't."
I know this is an older song from Jimmy Eat World. It's always been my favorite though. I love the cycle that the song writer is going through. He's blaming the girl at the same time that he is apologising. It reminds me of a breakup when you know you've messed up big time but you keep asking the person to make a decision about you. The girl is going back and forth and can't make her mind up about him. He's trying to work out the way he treated her in the past and the fact that he misses her now. But in the end he understands that she can't make a decision because he knows what he has done to her. Good stuff from the wonderful Jimmy Eat World...or JEW as I heard them nicknamed once.
"If you don't know why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.
If you don't know Honey why don't you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did
If you don't well Honey then you dont.
I left you waiting.
At the least can we be friends?
Should have never started,
Aint' that the way it always ends?
On my life I'll try today, there's so much I felt I should say
But even if your heart would listen I doubt I could explain
If you don't know why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight...
I'm sorry that I'm such a mess
I drank all my money could get
I took everything you let me have
and then I never loved you back...
If you don't know, Honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now yeah need this
If you don't well, Honey, then you don't
and if you don't well, Honey, then you don't
If you don't know, Honey, then you don't."
I know this is an older song from Jimmy Eat World. It's always been my favorite though. I love the cycle that the song writer is going through. He's blaming the girl at the same time that he is apologising. It reminds me of a breakup when you know you've messed up big time but you keep asking the person to make a decision about you. The girl is going back and forth and can't make her mind up about him. He's trying to work out the way he treated her in the past and the fact that he misses her now. But in the end he understands that she can't make a decision because he knows what he has done to her. Good stuff from the wonderful Jimmy Eat World...or JEW as I heard them nicknamed once.
Thursday, May 25
A Tired Game
it's such a tired game
will it ever stop?
how will this all play out
out of sight out of mind
By now we should know how to communicate
Instead of coming to blows, we're on a roll...
It's such a crying, crying, crying shame"
I know these lyrics by Jack Johnson are about war but they came to my mind today as I was talking to a friend about her recent break-up. My friend and I had met our respective boyfriends a week apart from each other and had really grown together as a foursome. When my boyfriend and I broke early this year they both talked to me about it and helped to show me that there was good in my ex. Now I am doing the same. It's hard when you're dealing with broken hearts because the gut reaction is to make the other to be pure evil. So as a friend to both of them I find myself in the sticky situation of showing my friend that her ex isn't that terrible of a person, just someone who made mistakes.
It makes me wonder about love and relationships at all. I have stated that I don't want to find Mr. Right yet because I'm not ready to settle down. But if that's what I really want then I am basically asking for another break-up. Another ritual mud-slinging contest to see who was the worse partner. And honestly I don't understand why it has to be this way. I fight myself constantly to not take my exe's words in the wrong context since we have now become friends. There are times when I still want to say that he is a crappy, no-good jerk but I refrain because I know these feelings are coming from a place of anger and pain that I thought was gone. A place in my heart that will grow smaller as time passes. As my friend will one day look back at her ex and see him as another person that she shared her life with for a while, a person that through his faults gave her more happiness than pain.
it's such a tired game
will it ever stop?
how will this all play out
out of sight out of mind
By now we should know how to communicate
Instead of coming to blows, we're on a roll...
It's such a crying, crying, crying shame"
I know these lyrics by Jack Johnson are about war but they came to my mind today as I was talking to a friend about her recent break-up. My friend and I had met our respective boyfriends a week apart from each other and had really grown together as a foursome. When my boyfriend and I broke early this year they both talked to me about it and helped to show me that there was good in my ex. Now I am doing the same. It's hard when you're dealing with broken hearts because the gut reaction is to make the other to be pure evil. So as a friend to both of them I find myself in the sticky situation of showing my friend that her ex isn't that terrible of a person, just someone who made mistakes.
It makes me wonder about love and relationships at all. I have stated that I don't want to find Mr. Right yet because I'm not ready to settle down. But if that's what I really want then I am basically asking for another break-up. Another ritual mud-slinging contest to see who was the worse partner. And honestly I don't understand why it has to be this way. I fight myself constantly to not take my exe's words in the wrong context since we have now become friends. There are times when I still want to say that he is a crappy, no-good jerk but I refrain because I know these feelings are coming from a place of anger and pain that I thought was gone. A place in my heart that will grow smaller as time passes. As my friend will one day look back at her ex and see him as another person that she shared her life with for a while, a person that through his faults gave her more happiness than pain.
Friday, May 19
3 Libras by A Perfect Circle
Threw you the obvious and you
Flew with it on your back, a
Name in your recollection
Down among a million same
Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through
To see you naked but oblivious
And you don't see
Me
But I threw you the obvious just to
See if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you
'Cause I threw you the obvious to
See what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Oh well
Apparently nothing at all
You don't, you don't, you don't see me
You don't see
You don't see me at all
I was talking about this song yesterday with a friend and it came back to my mind today. We had decided that it was about trying to reach someone who can't be reached. The lyrics that I highlighted where he says that it's "difficult not to feel a bit disappointed and passed over" show that he is trying to communicate with this person but he sees that they can't accept his message. But he also sees past their defense and understands why they can't accept him, because they are a "tragedy".
I read this on a SongMeanings this morning, it's from the lead singer...
Up until the mid twentieth century the mountain gorilla was considered a myth. Oddly enough, a legend not unlike bigfoot or the loch ness monster. The chance of actually seeing/experiencing this elusive shadow was as likely as finding ones soulmate.
Rare.
Precious.
Even once discovered they seemed unapproachable. The only way to get close to this magnificent creature was to become empathetic. Abandon all pretense and preconceptions. To bare an open throat. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability. All but extinct, these beings/moments are threatened by the black hearted. The cold and oblivious. The empty eyed profit seekers that overlook these
Rare
Precious
Moments."
Threw you the obvious and you
Flew with it on your back, a
Name in your recollection
Down among a million same
Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through
To see you naked but oblivious
And you don't see
Me
But I threw you the obvious just to
See if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you
'Cause I threw you the obvious to
See what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Oh well
Apparently nothing at all
You don't, you don't, you don't see me
You don't see
You don't see me at all
I was talking about this song yesterday with a friend and it came back to my mind today. We had decided that it was about trying to reach someone who can't be reached. The lyrics that I highlighted where he says that it's "difficult not to feel a bit disappointed and passed over" show that he is trying to communicate with this person but he sees that they can't accept his message. But he also sees past their defense and understands why they can't accept him, because they are a "tragedy".
I read this on a SongMeanings this morning, it's from the lead singer...
Up until the mid twentieth century the mountain gorilla was considered a myth. Oddly enough, a legend not unlike bigfoot or the loch ness monster. The chance of actually seeing/experiencing this elusive shadow was as likely as finding ones soulmate.
Rare.
Precious.
Even once discovered they seemed unapproachable. The only way to get close to this magnificent creature was to become empathetic. Abandon all pretense and preconceptions. To bare an open throat. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability. All but extinct, these beings/moments are threatened by the black hearted. The cold and oblivious. The empty eyed profit seekers that overlook these
Rare
Precious
Moments."
Wednesday, May 17
Life of Pi
"I can well imagine an atheist's last words: 'White, white! L-L-Love! My God!'--and the deathbed leap of faith. Whereas the agnostic, if he stays true to his reasonable self, if he stays beholden to dry, yeastless factuality, might try to explain the warm light bathing him by saying, 'Possibly a f-f-failing oxygenation of the b-b-brain,' and, to the very end, lack imagination and miss the better story."
_______________
"And that wasn't the end of it. There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if the Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.
"These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defence, not God's, that the self-righteous should rush.
"Once an oaf chased me away from the Great Mosque. When I went to church the priest glared at me so that I could not feel the peace of Christ. A Brahmin sometimes shooed me away from darshan. My religious doings were reported to my parents in the hushed, urgent tones of treason revealed.
"As if this small-mindedness did God any good.
"To me, religion is about our dignity, not our depravity."
______________
"God is not insecure"--unknown
"I can well imagine an atheist's last words: 'White, white! L-L-Love! My God!'--and the deathbed leap of faith. Whereas the agnostic, if he stays true to his reasonable self, if he stays beholden to dry, yeastless factuality, might try to explain the warm light bathing him by saying, 'Possibly a f-f-failing oxygenation of the b-b-brain,' and, to the very end, lack imagination and miss the better story."
_______________
"And that wasn't the end of it. There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if the Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.
"These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defence, not God's, that the self-righteous should rush.
"Once an oaf chased me away from the Great Mosque. When I went to church the priest glared at me so that I could not feel the peace of Christ. A Brahmin sometimes shooed me away from darshan. My religious doings were reported to my parents in the hushed, urgent tones of treason revealed.
"As if this small-mindedness did God any good.
"To me, religion is about our dignity, not our depravity."
______________
"God is not insecure"--unknown
Tuesday, May 16
Tell me About Europe
Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. For years I fought to understand the things I had done, for which I had to forgive myself, and the things that had been done to me, for which I had to forgive others. I think the hardest part was trying to understand myself. I couldn’t allow any slack in my judgment, I was my harshest critic. With others I used a tactic of avoidance, by not thinking of these things I had forgiven them. These issues converged to create a ‘great sadness’ in me. It was the cloud that shadowed my thoughts of the past. I was still happy and out-going Clare but those who were close could see how I struggled with myself at times. One of my parents’ friends who is a healer pulled me aside once and told me I needed to let whatever it was I was holding on to go. She told me I needed to thank the past for happening instead of trying to change it.
I thought she was crazy.
I mean these things are supposed to affect the rest of your life. At least that’s what Dr. Phil says. I was perfectly justified to be angry at the world. I loved break-up songs and angry songs, anything that would help me raise my middle finger to the world.
Then my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
It’s amazing how someone else’s suffering makes you realize how petty your own is. One of my sadness’ was that I had lost contact with my extended family after I moved to college. I told people my family was an independent bunch and the missed holidays didn’t mean much. As I was flying home I thought, “Why am I doing this?” I hadn’t spoken to my aunt in ages; I thought I didn’t need her anymore. She needed me. I was the prodigal child coming home. I didn’t know if anyone would say anything about how I had acted in the past, not visiting and ‘doing my own thing’. They didn't.
The moment I will never forget is when my aunt was laying in a hospital bed receiving chemo and I was sitting next to her. She took my hand, closed her eyes, and said “tell me about Europe.” My aunt who had never traveled in her life, due to a childhood bout with polio, wanted me to share my adventures. She told me she was so proud of me for studying abroad and becoming an independent woman. She was forgiving me.
I thought back to my parents’ friend and I said thank you.
Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. Sometimes you don’t know you’re in the process at all. Then one day you realize that the anger and bitterness are gone and life is beautiful.
Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. For years I fought to understand the things I had done, for which I had to forgive myself, and the things that had been done to me, for which I had to forgive others. I think the hardest part was trying to understand myself. I couldn’t allow any slack in my judgment, I was my harshest critic. With others I used a tactic of avoidance, by not thinking of these things I had forgiven them. These issues converged to create a ‘great sadness’ in me. It was the cloud that shadowed my thoughts of the past. I was still happy and out-going Clare but those who were close could see how I struggled with myself at times. One of my parents’ friends who is a healer pulled me aside once and told me I needed to let whatever it was I was holding on to go. She told me I needed to thank the past for happening instead of trying to change it.
I thought she was crazy.
I mean these things are supposed to affect the rest of your life. At least that’s what Dr. Phil says. I was perfectly justified to be angry at the world. I loved break-up songs and angry songs, anything that would help me raise my middle finger to the world.
Then my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
It’s amazing how someone else’s suffering makes you realize how petty your own is. One of my sadness’ was that I had lost contact with my extended family after I moved to college. I told people my family was an independent bunch and the missed holidays didn’t mean much. As I was flying home I thought, “Why am I doing this?” I hadn’t spoken to my aunt in ages; I thought I didn’t need her anymore. She needed me. I was the prodigal child coming home. I didn’t know if anyone would say anything about how I had acted in the past, not visiting and ‘doing my own thing’. They didn't.
The moment I will never forget is when my aunt was laying in a hospital bed receiving chemo and I was sitting next to her. She took my hand, closed her eyes, and said “tell me about Europe.” My aunt who had never traveled in her life, due to a childhood bout with polio, wanted me to share my adventures. She told me she was so proud of me for studying abroad and becoming an independent woman. She was forgiving me.
I thought back to my parents’ friend and I said thank you.
Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. Sometimes you don’t know you’re in the process at all. Then one day you realize that the anger and bitterness are gone and life is beautiful.
Sunday, May 14
When we met light was shed. At that moment everything was easy and made sense. The world no longer seemed like a place full of confusion and anger. I knew you would affect the rest of my life. I remember watching you when you weren’t looking, you moved so effortlessly. The stride in your step gave me reassurance. The strength in your glance was given to me and I felt complete.
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me. My strength is gone now that you have left. I was once the independent who loved to walk alone, now I wander for days. I try to reclaim your memories. Your voice no longer rings in my memories. Did you have an accent? Was your voice as strong as you made it seem?
And some great need in me starts to bleed. Years have passed since you came to me. I should no longer be waking with your name on my lips. I have discovered a hole I thought was full long ago. Though I know all of this is only a phase. You are gone and soon your memory will be too. I will wait to heal because I know there is beauty in the waiting.
--this is just a free writing exercise. I am not writing about anyone in particular. I was inspired by the lyrics of a song (in italics).
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me. My strength is gone now that you have left. I was once the independent who loved to walk alone, now I wander for days. I try to reclaim your memories. Your voice no longer rings in my memories. Did you have an accent? Was your voice as strong as you made it seem?
And some great need in me starts to bleed. Years have passed since you came to me. I should no longer be waking with your name on my lips. I have discovered a hole I thought was full long ago. Though I know all of this is only a phase. You are gone and soon your memory will be too. I will wait to heal because I know there is beauty in the waiting.
--this is just a free writing exercise. I am not writing about anyone in particular. I was inspired by the lyrics of a song (in italics).
Thursday, May 11
I am dead.
I've jumped from the railing above the underpass. Have you ever wondered if our bodies really do make that splat sound you hear in the cartoons? Well we do, it is the sound of our soul leaving our bodies, either that or our bodies colliding with the pavement...
Cough
I am awoken from my day dream of death. I have been sitting in the University library longer than I would like to admit. Staring out the window watching passerbys and hoping that one of them will have the guts to do it, to jump. I look up at the ceiling, a basic white with modernistic carvings of squares. I wonder which architect thought it was a good idea to make an university library, boring and average in every way, have a modern art ceiling. Was he trying to infuse a bit of interest into his otherwise dull creation?
Another cough
Great right before I die from absolute boredom I am going to catch Avian Flu. Of course I could always just jump...
and this is why I pay to go to University.
I've jumped from the railing above the underpass. Have you ever wondered if our bodies really do make that splat sound you hear in the cartoons? Well we do, it is the sound of our soul leaving our bodies, either that or our bodies colliding with the pavement...
Cough
I am awoken from my day dream of death. I have been sitting in the University library longer than I would like to admit. Staring out the window watching passerbys and hoping that one of them will have the guts to do it, to jump. I look up at the ceiling, a basic white with modernistic carvings of squares. I wonder which architect thought it was a good idea to make an university library, boring and average in every way, have a modern art ceiling. Was he trying to infuse a bit of interest into his otherwise dull creation?
Another cough
Great right before I die from absolute boredom I am going to catch Avian Flu. Of course I could always just jump...
and this is why I pay to go to University.
Tuesday, May 9
America! Fuck Yeah!
"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America"--Bill Clinton
"There's the country of America, which you have to defend, but there's also the idea of America. America is more than just a country, it's an idea. An idea that's supposed to be contagious."--Bono
"England and America are two countries separated by a common language"--George Bernard Shaw
"Europe will never be like America. Europe is a product of history. America is a product of philosophy"-Margaret Thatcher
"I just want to say this. I want to say it gently but I want to say it firmly: There is a tendency for the world to say to America, "the big problems of the world are yours, you go and sort them out," and then to worry when America wants to sort them out."--Tony Blair
"America lives in the heart of every man everywhere who wishes to find a region where he will be free to work out his destiny as he chooses."--Woodrow Wilson
"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America"--Bill Clinton
"There's the country of America, which you have to defend, but there's also the idea of America. America is more than just a country, it's an idea. An idea that's supposed to be contagious."--Bono
"England and America are two countries separated by a common language"--George Bernard Shaw
"Europe will never be like America. Europe is a product of history. America is a product of philosophy"-Margaret Thatcher
"I just want to say this. I want to say it gently but I want to say it firmly: There is a tendency for the world to say to America, "the big problems of the world are yours, you go and sort them out," and then to worry when America wants to sort them out."--Tony Blair
"America lives in the heart of every man everywhere who wishes to find a region where he will be free to work out his destiny as he chooses."--Woodrow Wilson
Friday, May 5
Gorillaz-Dirty Harry
I've liked this song for a while but never listened to the lyrics.
Your water's from a bottle
Mine's from a canteen
At night I hear the shots
Ring so I'm a light sleeper
The cost of life, it seems to get cheaper
out in the desert with my street sweeper
The war is over
So said the speaker with his flight suit on
Maybe to him I'm just a pawn
So he can advance
Remember when I used to dance
Man, all I want to do is dance
I've liked this song for a while but never listened to the lyrics.
Your water's from a bottle
Mine's from a canteen
At night I hear the shots
Ring so I'm a light sleeper
The cost of life, it seems to get cheaper
out in the desert with my street sweeper
The war is over
So said the speaker with his flight suit on
Maybe to him I'm just a pawn
So he can advance
Remember when I used to dance
Man, all I want to do is dance
Thursday, May 4
No Other Way
Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep
And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way--Jack Johnson
Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep
And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way--Jack Johnson
"America is a vast conspiracy to make people happy"--John Updike
I've been thinking about America and how it feels to be American. With the number of people I've met here that would like to live in America one day I am perplexed by my home country. The American dream and all of that...what effect does it really have on us as Americans and how we think of ourselves?
I've been thinking about America and how it feels to be American. With the number of people I've met here that would like to live in America one day I am perplexed by my home country. The American dream and all of that...what effect does it really have on us as Americans and how we think of ourselves?
Monday, May 1
Counting Crows and Love
"It seems like I should say, 'As long as this is Love'. But it's not all that easy."--Anna Begins, Counting Crows
Yeah that's right, the Counting Crows are doing a tour this summer. It is quite possible that I will die from excitement if I go. So to all my friends, goodbye.
On a serious note; I was reading my Bible this morning and I read one of my favorite passages. I know it's a lot of people's favorite but it's so great that I had to share it.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought ike a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see fce to face. Now I know in part,; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remian: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
"It seems like I should say, 'As long as this is Love'. But it's not all that easy."--Anna Begins, Counting Crows
Yeah that's right, the Counting Crows are doing a tour this summer. It is quite possible that I will die from excitement if I go. So to all my friends, goodbye.
On a serious note; I was reading my Bible this morning and I read one of my favorite passages. I know it's a lot of people's favorite but it's so great that I had to share it.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought ike a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see fce to face. Now I know in part,; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remian: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Sunday, April 30
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