Josh says it's about unrequited homosexuality but I still love it anyway
For your delight- Dave Matthew's Band, #41:

Come see:
I swear by now (that) I'm playing time
I against my troubles (a battle to be won)
I'm coming slow but speeding

Do you wish a dance?
and while I'm in the front, the play on time is won
Oh, but the difficult is coming here
I will go in this way and find my own way out (away from you)
I won't tell you to be

But it's coming to much more: Me
(the end and beginning)

Come down, let the ghosts come back, reeling in you now (the ghosts of memories)
What if they came down crushing?
In the way I used to play for all of the loneliness that nobody....

Notice it now:
begging slow, I'm coming here

Only waiting

I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far and only tomorrow leads the way (the answer lies ahead)
I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head

Please, I wouldn't pass this by (please) I wouldn't take any more than...

What sort of man goes by?
I will bring water
Why wont you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder

I came in praying for you

Why won't you run in the rain and play (and) let the tears (mine) splash all over you?

Chapter 5
A long way from that fool’s mistake

I suppose there are always conflicting accounts when it comes to any story of consequence. I am sure that if you were to ask John what happened he would state something about me not being satisfied in the relationship because I relied on him too much. There are always conflicting reports but there is also usually a bit of truth in each one. Here is mine:
“I met him when I was fifteen. I don’t know how to explain what it is like to meet the love of your life at that age. There was a moment of love at first sight, though I have since dismissed this notion. It wasn’t that I found him particularly handsome or breathtaking, he possessed a confidence and self-assurance there that made me thinks that he might actually be the best person that God ever created. It was like meeting the person you’ve always wanted to, before you knew who it was you were looking for. I was transfixed, a state that lasted for the next five years. Like a little girl dancing for her father, I was always interested in impressing John. I wanted to be his perfect girl. I suppose that my obsession placed a strain on him, to be the man that I believed he was but what he didn’t see was that there was no way I could ever think negatively of him. He was Jonathan, the beginning and end of my adolescent love. That is why I can’t understand November….
I paused to consider my next statement. There was a certain way that ugly truths must be said, and that is openly and deliberately.
“I can’t understand why I cheated on John, or what drove me to end the only thing on this earth I have ever known to be perfect. I suppose that five years of perfection had taken its toll and I wanted to know what it would be like to die in another’s arms.
“Something Corporate,” she comments on my use of the lyrics she had given me.
“Yes, but that’s what it was. I truly wanted something to die inside of me. I had been hurting for a long time and it was in ways that John either couldn’t or didn’t want to see. At the time, I didn’t know how to understand failure without it being full and complete. So I slept with someone else and immediately afterwards I knew that it was a mistake and I couldn’t tell Jonathan. If I told him, I knew it would kill him. I went on with my pain for the next couple of weeks, trying to think of how to overcome it without burdening him anymore with my sadness. I decided to take a pregnancy test when it had been over a month later and that is when it all began to come crashing down. John and I had begun sleeping together a couple of months earlier but I couldn’t stand the thought of a lifetime of not knowing who the father was.
I pause again to let the truth seep into the both of us.
“I…..yeah….received a….” It was so hard to say the word but I knew I had to press through this. I had never told anyone this entire story.
“I got an abortion.
I don’t know what Sarah’s eyes looked like because I couldn’t meet them.
“I went to the same clinic that John and I had put on our prayer list, the one that our church had picketed. It was a comfort in a way to think that they were now praying for me.”
“Things were becoming out of control and I wasn’t eating or sleeping anymore. I was completely overcome with my shame over my actions; I knew that I had to tell him. One night after a prayer meeting, I spilled my heart out to him, begging forgiveness and trying to find some sort of peace for my sins. He held me that night and told me that it was going to be alright. I believed him until a couple of days later when our preacher called me, he wanted to get together to talk. I didn’t know what he wanted, so I went up there. When he told me that John had told him about my abortion and that he wanted to pray for me, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that John had shared my secret, but it got worst. Soon other members of the church began to speak in hushed tones and watch me carefully. I realized that there had been a leak and others had found out what had happened. I couldn’t believe their reaction. These people who had claimed to have so much love were now turning their backs on me as though my sins were contagious. I was absolutely disgusted with the church and told John I thought so. But even though we had become strained, we were making it through. We had been in love for years, and it had never occurred to me that there was any other way to be.
“That is until he told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He felt as though I had turned away from God and the church. He had been speaking with his parents and the pastor about our relationship and they had advised him to distance himself from me. I couldn’t believe their inability to forgive. I couldn’t believe that they felt as though they had a right to ask for alms from me, as though my abortion had been a direct act against them. I was lying on my floor, crying my heart out and they thought that I was nothing more than a dirty whore. He told me later that he wanted to come to me and save me but that he knew he couldn’t do anything for me. I still can’t believe it. Five years and he knows he can’t help me. That’s not what you do. You don’t just sit back because there’s nothing to do. You sit and you hold someone until things begin to get better, you don’t give up. So I walked away. I walked away from him, his family, and the church. The depth to which that belief was ripped out of me is incomprehensible and unexplainable…”
It took me a moment to realize that I had stopped talking. Sarah was watching me with a look of disbelief and amazement on her face, her mouth agape. Slowly she began to speak, “I never knew…Maria, you realize that you are amazing.”
I couldn’t hide my bewilderment. “What do you mean?”
“You went through all of that and yet you are so…normal. I’m surprised you aren’t angrier.”
“I am angry. I am furious but the energy that it takes to show those emotions…I suppose I figure that they don’t deserve it,” I stared back into my cold latte, “Desmond Tutu said that forgiveness is about getting your own life back. For a long time I couldn’t even forgive myself for what happened. I felt that if I let myself off the hook that it would mean that I didn’t have a hand in what happened. I know that John is miserable and hurt and that I did that. I set the actions into motion. I know that but I also know if I don’t let myself be forgiven then I will never receive it.”
“What about the future? Do you think you and John will ever work it out?”
“Sarah, I don’t even know how to begin to ask myself that question. The disappointment and regret weigh down on me too much at times. Some days there isn’t enough liquor to make it disappear but other days I can find solace in the simple things. Sometimes when I sit on the hillside and smoke a cigarette, I can make myself believe that I am happier now. I can forget that I once had everything.”
“How do you find the energy to date other people, like Christopher, how did you get the courage to open yourself up?”
I laugh ruefully, “well I took a chance and when it fell apart there was a certain joy to it.”
She is looking at me perplexed as to how I could find such happiness in a breakup.
“You see, for once, it wasn’t my fault. It ended because he was the screwed up one, not me, and for that- I am thankful.”
Her laugh is hearty and exactly what is needed after our serious conversation. “I take back what I said about you being normal” she retorts with another laugh.
“Why do I hang out with you again?” I playfully shake my head, “Let’s get back to the dorms before you make me spill my heart out again.”

Chapter 4
You are just another thing I’ve yet to fathom

A rush of wind met me outside the church’s heavy doors. I found the campus’ infinite emptiness fitting for my present mood. “God is not insecure…” I always wondered why people talked about God as if he were human. It seemed to me that his mightiness could be better expressed than through broad generalities on the human condition. What the preacher and every misguided soul-saver I had met as of late misunderstood was that I was not an innocent non-believer. I was not a random soul that hadn’t heard of Christ, and could therefore be saved by their simple proclamations. I had been to the bible classes, and I had sat in the seminars on theology. I knew what there was to be offered by believing the omnipotent, omnipresent creature of God. They were literally preaching to the choir and all it did was push me farther away. I know that much of this began with John and I am wondering how it will end. He had said that I believed in him like I believed in God; I suppose one heresy deserves another.

I look up to see a couple of chavs walking my way. I slowly walk to the other side of the street to avoid the ruffians, and I am suddenly aware that I am a single female walking alone at night. I take out my phone to send off a quick text when I notice I have one waiting for me. Quickly, I scan the name and message, to my surprise it’s from Christopher and he wants to know if I want to get a pizza with him tomorrow. I start to place the phone back in my pocket, not ready to decide what I want; instead, I call Sarah and agree to meet her for a coffee at the campus coffee shop. I’m in the mood for conversation of a particular nature and she is the only one I know I can have it with. I still haven’t told her the entire story of me and John’s falling apart. She has asked me for the tale repeatedly but there are still a number of particulars that I cannot quite accept myself. The chavs have passed and I am alone again with my thoughts. The quiet streets surround me like a comforting blanket. I quickly lit up a cigarette and stop to gaze at the stars. Their presence reminds me of my desire to believe in something bigger than my life. I want to believe in God, love, people, and fate. I want to believe in all the things that they tell you to believe in when you are a child. I simply do not have the energy tonight to begin my quest back home, but there’s no work in the walking, so I set my stride towards the coffee house. I spot Sarah as I walk up to the Venue, she is clutching her jacket and I am reminded that the night is freezing. I had been too engrossed in my thoughts to ponder the weather and my lack of proper attire.
“You must be freezing!” She has spotted me and my light sweater/jean combo.
“I’m a’right, let’s get some coffee and I’ll be better.”
“I suppose your date didn’t go so well…” Again, she has reminded me of the obvious.
“Oh yeah, he was…under a false impression.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you are not allowed to pawn me off on guys from the club anymore because you have a boyfriend and want to live through me. I am giving up men.”
“Are you going to become a lesbian now?” She remarks with a smirk, she already knows my response.
“You know I would love to date you except for the whole sex thing.”
“We are slaves to the men and the problem is that we will never understand them.” She states as if it had been memorized from a Dr. Phil show.
“Oh, I understand men perfectly, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.” We laugh and know that we are both thinking of Christopher. I have always understood him, there has never been a moment when he was not completely himself and therefore completely predictable but with that knowledge came the realization that he would never change.
“He didn’t deserve you.” I glance at her to see that she has been watching me intently.
“Why do women always say that to each other?”
“Because it’s always true. Come on, I’ll buy you a soy latte and make you feel better.”
We settle down with our coffees at one of the nearby tables. I have always loved to watch the characters the campus coffee shop; the various students: mostly foreigners and occasional misguided brit.
“I was thinking about John again tonight. I can’t get it all out of my head. Sometimes I sit and wonder how it was that I was the one worth leaving.” I am staring deeply into my coffee as if it contains to the answer to my troubling thoughts.
“Maria, there’s always someone being left and another leaving. That’s the nature of life. You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that happened two years ago. I don’t know what happened exactly but it can’t be as bad as you have been making yourself feel about it.” The misguided brit coughs nearby and the humanity seems to be all too pressing tonight. I can’t help it when the words tumble out: “Sarah, it was.”

To you:

I need you to know-

I'm praying for you
I want to make it go away
I didn't mean to use the past tense in my letter
I want to drive home, wrap you in my arms, and tell you it will be ok

You are strong and amazing. You are one of the best men I've ever known. I don't know what is going to happen, but I am sure that you will handle it with a manner of grace and maturity that will surpass those around you. I believe in you.

Calm in the Waves


There was a girl that lived next to the sea. She would watch the world float by her little life, considering the occasional waves that were able to change her perception of time. She would sit, watching the passing boats. With a raised hand, she steadied the horizon that lay before her. ‘All that I look past and all that I can see can be steadied by the width of my hand’. The little girl grew up to be a woman. As a woman she no longer lived by the sea, her horizon was filled with skyscrapers and speeding cars. She would gaze out the window, steady her hand and make the city still. She wanted to believe that there could be no effect that was bigger than the cause. With small decisions and smaller steps there could never be a leap.
She loved a man once. His ways were cold and calculating. She accepted his conclusions to a fault. Her love for him was like a breeze. She felt the effects on her body, the cold caress on her cheek, but it had no beginning and no end. Her love for him had always been but it was a passing breeze. It had a way that moved through her in search of its final destination. She was not the end to his means.
‘Each day is a blessing’. And she raised her hand again. Steady and calm but there was no ocean to be seen. She closed her eyes to a river that crashed through her. The water pulled her to a final destination and he became a rock, strong and solid but simply a minor block to her ultimate end. She would gaze at him and see something that was nothing. ‘You are almost enough’.
There was a woman that moved to the sea. She would gaze at the world that no longer floated by her. She had become an actor in her own play, a master of the river inside. Through the rushing and the failing, she felt no need to steady her hand. ‘There is calm in the waves’.

Until Lately...


Vixi Puellis Nuper Idoneus

They flee from me that sometime did me seek,
With naked foot stalking within my chamber:
Once have I seen them gentle, tame, and meek,
That now are wild, and do not once remember
That sometime they have put themselves in danger
To take bread at my hand; and now they range,
Busily seeking in continual change.

Thanked be fortune, it hath been otherwise
Twenty times better; but once especial--
In thin array: after a pleasant guise,
When her loose gown did from her shoulders fall,
And she me caught in her arms long and small,
And therewithal so sweetly did me kiss,
And softly said, 'Dear heart, how like you this?'

It was no dream; for I lay broad awaking:
But all is turn'd now, through my gentleness,
Into a bitter fashion of forsaking;
And I have leave to go of her goodness;
And she also to use new-fangleness.
But since that I unkindly so am served,
'How like you this?' — what hath she now deserved?

--Thomas Wyatt

A Man who Stands for Himself


I don’t believe in labels, people rarely adhere to them.

I spoke recently to an old friend. I told him quietly, firmly that I was no longer a Christian and that I could not identify myself with this label any longer. He seemed perplexed by my words. His head tilted to the side as he said, “You were, but now you’re not?” I knew that this would be a difficult conversation to navigate. The label of Christianity is a salve for many. The word that slides off men’s tongue is familiar and tells others that he can be trusted, that he is part of their select society. I refuse to offer comfort with this term. It might seem as though I am disgusted with Christianity, but I am not. I don’t believe in basing one’s identity on labels. Men who have told me they live by other great moral standards have still failed. They say they do not lie and then spout venom with their tongue. They say they do not break promises and then leave the ones who love them standing alone. I do not stand for these men either. I can not stand for any man who wishes to identify himself with a power greater than himself because if so chooses this path then he will surely fail. Why not be honest for the sake of yourself? Not because it is moral and right, but because you are the master of your own dignity. I wish for a man who can not only stand but testify that he stands for himself alone. He stands for the purpose that is born within him, and if he lies or breaks his promises it is because he is a flawed man- not because there is a flawed moral code.

Religion covers a multitude of sins; it acts as an insurance policy for those who are unable to stand on their own.

Call me in five years.........

60 minutes
24 hours
365 days
5 years

Time: it's all I got and everything I need.



who ever said it was women who can't make up their minds?

Darlin'

"I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips, and
they both tell me we're better than this.
'Cause that's what I'm waiting for.
that's what i'm waiting for, aren't I?
that's what I'm waiting for darlin'. "


When did waiting for better become acting for nothing?

Last year around this time, I began the 'single thing'. I purposefuly remained single to clarify my mind and figure myself out. It all sounded very Zen. I would work out more, drink less, and come to find who the real 'clare' was. My longtime friends cheered my independence; I had always been the girl with the boyfriend and they were excited to see what I might find on my own. So I began my journey, full of my own pride and thinking that, when the time came, I could end my fast on love. Many long runs and attempted Yoga positions later, I decided to accept a date and get back out there. It all started out innocently enough, with someone I had known and wanted to date for a long time. But then one thing led to another and nothing seemed to work out. My friends who had cheered me at the starting line were now considering the various effects this jaunt into self-fulfillment had cost me. They began doing what is the gravestone of every single person's life: they set me up with their boyfriend's friends. A couple of dinners and some polite conversation later, I began to wonder where this Zen journey had left me. I had completed the journey; I had figured out exactly what I wanted, now I just had to find the guy. Three strikes was brought down to one and nobody was able to measure up. Not funny enough, not serious enough, oh wait too serious, but not smart enough, and definitely not cute enough... and again and again.

fuck Zen

I think my one year sojourn has become two

"Yeah!" they'll say, "You're a free woman!" they'll rant all the while whispering..."do you think we should set her up with Paul or Thomas?"

Tick, Tack, Tickle

The name of your name tickles my tongue
I open my mouth to give and say it loud
But the letters trip and fall onto the ground
‘Kiss me, call me’ you ask so pleasantly
One, two, three, an open mouth and then
I watch the consonants fall back down again
Eye to your eyes smile at my fumble
“When they open it is like a sunrise”, I say
Happy green that brightens my everyday
Tick, tack, tickle my words but then
There is only one that wants and needs to be said
I know! I’ll call you simply ‘Love’ instead

Random Song Lyrics from my Ipod set on random.

"falling in and out of love (something sweet to throw away)
i want something good to die for to make it beautiful to live
i want a new mistake, to lose is more than to hesitate."

"It's a backwards attraction to your forward eyes"

"the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned"

"All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl"

"I don't know who kept track (I didn't know there was score),
but it looks like you're the winner and I ain't gonna play no more.
It's over, game over."

"I'm filled with guilt from things I've seen
your water's from a battle, mine's from a canteen
at night I hear the sounds of screams so I'm a light sleeper
the cause of life seems to get cheaper
out in the desert with my street sweeper
'the war is over', so says the speaker with the flight suit on
maybe to him i'm just a pawn so he can advance.
remember when I used to dance? Man, all I want to do is dance."

I'm Driving

I want a breeze, and an open mind
I want to swim in the ocean
and take my time for me--all me


So I'm finally graduating and moving away. This has been one of the best times of my life. I read somewhere that in your twenties, you're simply reacting. I felt like that for a long time. I felt like I was only reacting to the situations and people around me. I couldn't figure out why I didn't like dating, but then I realized it was because it all felt like a charade. Two people get dressed up to put their best faces forward. Small talk and cheap wine collide until you walk away-realizing there's nothing real. I'm tired of other people making the decisions. I'm tired of playing life like it's a spectator sport.
So I'm moving. Where? I don't know. What am I going to do? I haven't figured it out yet. But it's my life and it's the only one I've got.
And as far as dating......I think my next response will be- "welcome to my life; you're welcome to come along for the ride, but I'm driving"

This one goes out to the one I love....

I said my first prayer in months for you today. When you told me, I realized that you might not always be here. All our past fell away, and I was talking to the man that I had given my heart to years ago. We've been through it all, and because of that, I know I can always turn to you. I am humbled by your honesty and the power that remains between us.

God Bless You

I love you

For me, I have

Palms graze palms with silent prayers
Rusty lips reciting antiqued lines
‘Forgive me for I have...’
Sinned? Sinned. Sinned!
Have I sinned for…?
Sinned? Sinned. Sinned!
‘Forgive me for I have…’
Rusty lips reciting antiqued lines
Palms graze palms with silent prayers

A Really Good Song

I know I would apologize if I could see in your eyes
'cause when you showed me myself, you know, I became someone else
but I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need.

--In the Sun by Michael Stipe with Chris Martin

Chapter 3
What It Means


“I don’t understand all the things you’ve seen, but I’m slipping in between you and your big dreams.” The lyrics float across the room as I lay on my bed listening to the CD Sarah had left on my desk. She had written a simple note, “#9, Love you,” I had known immediately the song would contain the perfect lyrics to carry me through my winding thoughts. I needed to move but the careful piano notes held me to the bed, beckoning me to pay close attention to every syllable of the chorus.
I glanced at the clock on my bedside table and realized I was going to be late if I didn’t get up immediately. I had accepted a date from a guy I had met on Saturday and was now starting to wonder what exactly I had been thinking. It was clear I wasn’t completely over Christopher and had no business accepting the proposals of other men. Then again, I had put this poor guy through enough. He had repeatedly asked to take me to dinner but I had refused, citing that I had a busy schedule. Finally, I told him that if he called me on Monday, not Sunday or Tuesday, then he could have a date on Wednesday. It was bitchy, manipulative but it had worked. I was now left to stare at myself in the mirror, wondering how I was going to get ready in 30 minutes when I hadn’t even had a shower.
“It’s to dying in another’s arms and why I had to try it”
Damn it, this is why I hate dating. I knew I had to give this guy a chance, and yet every ounce of my being wanted to simply forget that I had ever met him. “Dying in another’s arms…” the words seemed so fitting. That’s what love was like, dying, laying down all your pretenses to open yourself up. But for what? Hell, if I know. “Dying…” I felt the beginning of a poem coming to my mind. My hair would have to wait; he would have to wait. I was a writer at heart and when words came to my mind there was nothing I could do but stop immediately and write them down.

I opened my eyes to a painful measure
Lid to lid and yours half-closed
Exhaling of breath and slow divide

That’s how it felt: dying in another’s arms. I remember distinctly lying with my head on his chest, my neck resting on his shoulder and looking up to meet his gaze, and it had hurt, opening my eyes that fully to only see his half-closed. I don’t know how to explain it exactly but that was the moment I knew it was over. I realized that, like my eyes, my heart was completely open and his was shut.
There. The words were laid out carefully, and the truth had been spoken. I could now get back to fixing my hair………
The first thing I had noticed about Mike was that he was, so obviously, American. Yes, there is a look that American’s have and it can be blaring. He had caught my eye and got the signal by his own interpretation that I wanted to talk to him. I really didn’t know much about the guy except that he was originally from Oklahoma and had been living in England for six years. He had called me and told me to meet him at the train station and we would go from there. As I scanned the room I immediately zoned in on his bleach blond hair and bright polo shirt, could he possibly be more obvious?
“Hey, you look beautiful,” he said customarily with just enough sincerity to make me believe his intentions weren’t completely vile.
“Thanks. So where are we going tonight?” He had deliberately not told me the venue and I was wondering if my attire was fitting.
“I was thinking we could get a curry at this great restaurant on Manchester rd.” He said this statement as if, in fact, he wasn’t thinking but had already decided. I motioned for us to go ahead, simultaneously wondering how much effort I was going to put into the conversation tonight.
As we were settled into our seats we began the custom of exploring the menu and chatting over different dishes we liked. We chatted about school and family, finally getting to the question of what he was doing in England.
“My mom and dad are missionaries. They lead a church and help grass-root bible studies. That’s why I was really attracted to you. You’re American; therefore, you can share my faith. It’s kind of hard to find Christians in England.” He said this matter-of-factly, openly as if it were the only thought that had ever occurred to him.
I hesitated, “actually I’m not a Christian.” I could see the confusion in his face. “I mean, I was raised Baptist but I haven’t figured out what exactly I believe in.” This wasn’t entirely true, I knew what I believed; I just didn’t have the heart to tell him.
“Right…” As quickly as it had begun, the date was over. We continued to chat over this and that but the date was definitely a failure in both of our minds.
As I caught the train back to town I began to ponder my own beliefs. I believed in God, or I believed in a God. More correctly, I believed that every culture contains religion. Every man I’ve met believed in a moral code. Where does all this come from? There has to be a truth that extends past man’s need to understand his surroundings. Its simple uncertainty reduction theory, we must minimize the uncertainty of our surroundings; therefore, religions (and moral codes) offer a way for man to understand that which is incomprehensible: Life. Man only has one life, we are confined by our knowledge that we acquire through our interactions with others. How are we to understand the great complexity that envelops our every action if it is impossible to step outside of it? There was one thing I needed, and I needed it now.
As I stepped inside the old wooden chapel I felt the peace surround me. This is God. In some cultures the chapel is called a sanctuary, and that is exactly what it brought me. I closed my eyes to breath in the musky air and feel the worn leather of the Bibles. I didn’t believe in the stories that it contained but I felt the undeniable need that those who had grasped its worn pages clung to. The moment reminded me of a story a friend had told me once. He was an atheist and was walking home from the pub one night. He stumbled upon an old church and somehow found his way into the courtyard. As he found a place to lay his head, he looked up at the stars and began to wonder if there was a God. He pondered the vast expanse of the sky and then realized: He was drunk. The story had made me laugh at the time but now I simply understood him. As I looked around at the worn chairs I knew this wasn’t the place I would find my peace. There was a bit of it here but years of corruption had eaten away at any foundation God once had in the Church.
“Can I help you?” I looked up suddenly to see an old priest standing in the doorway of the chapel.
“Excuse me father, I was trying to find something but…I’m leaving now,” I had wanted to tell him more but years of Sunday school had trained me to stay away from those of authority in the church. But still…I needed to ask him.
“How is it that we are so innately, intrinsically human yet utterly incomplete at the same time?” The question had been plaguing me since the bus station.
“Well…I think that’s what it means to be human,” His voice held authority but his manner understood my need.
“Thank you father,” I walked toward him, handing him the old Bible I had been unconsciously clutching since I walked in.
“Child, God is not insecure. Ask him your questions and you will be answered.” His advice seemed shallow compared to the knowledge that stood behind his eyes. I looked at him closely wondering if he held all the answers to the questions I hadn’t yet discovered. I turned and walked briskly out the door. I had asked God a question once and he never answered. Damn it, if I was going to be a fool again.

This is what happens when I read E. E. Cummings


I loved you first (first I loved you),
did you (see) know it?

Neck (connects) to --------> shoulder
And

“”(wide) open (wide)””

eyes
flinching of wrist/tsirw
glances aside
I kissed you with my

w (each) o (and) r (every) d (syllable) s

to show it
breast to rib (like eve from adam)

F l n g hearts
u t r i
t e

s l i d i n g

of fingers (our intertwined)
wants
[wantingfingers]
collide

So there's been some question as to whether my blog is biographical or not. My commentary, short stories, and poems all have roots in my life experiences. I am constantly inspired by those around me to write about people and the lives they lead. If you feel that you have been misrepresented on my blog, then I am sorry. My characters are a mixture of the people that have come in and out of my life. I have also changed many details to simplify and clarify the message I am trying to convey. My blog is just a place for me to write, so take it simply as that.

Chapter 2
I Loved You First

There’s a certain beauty to being young- when regrets are only lessons and dreams are thoughts of tomorrow. This thought comes to me again as I sit on the English hillside: I am young, and I am free. I have become defined, but the memory still persists. I am dancing on the beach in my summer dress and he is there. “You are everything to me,” I had said it, but had I meant it?
“Maria, you shouldn’t be so anti-social all the time,” I look up to see Peter’s grinning face looking down at me.
“Sorry Peter, I was just…thinking,” I am unsure about sharing my anxiety. He had caught me in a fragile moment but the sudden interruption had caused my thoughts to shift so violently, I was unsure if I could get them back.
‘Oh yes, Maria, the girl with the great sadness,” his words were playful but striking. “I’ll leave you alone to your thoughts…if I can get a cigarette first.”
As I watch him walk back to the dorm rooms, I think of his words. Was I really the girl with the great sadness? Had I let this particular sadness live too long within me? These thoughts continue to dance on my mind as I watch the other students on the hillside. It is a rare, crisp autumn day. People had warned me that it rained everyday in England. This was, in fact, not entirely true; everyday it drizzles. The skies were clear for once and everyone was taking an advantage by playing various sports. I spotted Christopher playing football at the end of the slope with some of his students, and the familiar pang hit me again. When we had met, I had been bowled over by his intelligence and drive. He had big dreams and as we talked politics over pints, I felt like they could be my dreams also. That was six months ago and now he was nothing more than a stranger to me. This sense of rejection was particularly sharp because I still hadn’t figured out why we had fallen apart in the first place. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a professor but he had treated me as a colleague and confidant. I thought we had a connection that would transcend the differences others had pointed out so blatantly. I had been the one to drop the final shoe..
"You are going to miss my love," he had said openly, smugly.
"I never had it anyway," I felt empowered by the realization that I was losing something I had never owned in the first place. It was over now and as sure as I knew it, I knew I would be moving on soon. I had always been a traveler, and though I had always considered myself to be one who was traveling toward something, I felt this time I might be traveling away from someone.
“Fuck!” In my search for answers I had forgotten all about my cigarette until it burned my hand as a reminder of reality. “Fuck,” I said softly, this time for reasons other than my hand. I had promised myself when I drove away from John’s house that I would show love with no remorse, it was proving harder than I had imagined. “Afraid of being alone,” that is what Sara had said. She was afraid because, to her, it meant being unwanted. To me, the goal of a relationship is to find a partner, and the truth was I only worked alone.
I glanced at my pack of cigarettes, considering lighting up another. Right now, cancer seemed a much better alternative to the thoughts in my head but I decided against it.

My ledger, My gravestone

I loved you first, but did you know it?
Neck to shoulder and open eyes
Flinching of wrist and glances aside
I kissed you with my words to show it
Breast to rib and fluttering hearts
Sliding of fingers and wants collide
I opened my eyes to a painful measure
Lid to lid and yours half-closed
Exhaling of breath and slow divide
I closed my mind to mark my ledger
Palm to cheek for your relief
Neck to shoulder and I abide

You Began Me

I was given a light, and told to follow
Think beyond knowledge, accept despite servitude
You made me
I was given a light, and clarity to see
Dream without dreams, reach above difficulty
You began me
I was given a word, and it was quiet
Speak with silence, give before receive
You told me
I was given a word, and nothing else
Light upon lie, embrace until breaking
You ended me

Chapter 1
Leaves Leaving Me

November 2006

The autumn leaves are leaving me. I watch as they drop outside of my window, their slow descent reminding me of my last fall. “That’s my biggest fear”, she says out of the blue. I hear her words echo off my dorm-room walls but I can’t comprehend. I force my eyes away from the falling beauty and turn to her. “
Never finding love…that’s my biggest fear”, she repeats to me slowly. My mind is still wrapped around the maple tree, yet I’m starting to register her words. “Why?” I am confused about the origin and the intent behind her comment.
“Why would that be your biggest fear?”
“It’s not yours? You have never thought about it, about being alone for the rest of your life?” Her eyes are searching my calm expression for a hint of her desperation. “No…I mean, I’ve never really thought about it I suppose.”
I know she is disappointed in my answer but I don’t know what else to say, so I turn back to the leaves. Sarah doesn’t understand where my real fear lies. I am not afraid of living without love, I am afraid of a love I can’t live without. I glance back at my friend to see that she’s perusing a bridal magazine; this must be the source of her angst. All the smiling brides make me want to lose my lunch.
“I am going for a walk.”
I grab my coat and walk quickly out the door before she can respond. There’s always been something special about autumn to me; the brisk wind hits my cheeks, reminding me that winter is near. It was fitting to choose autumn as the perfect time to change my life. The winter had come soon after, and though it had been the hardest I had ever known, the rebirth was worth the death. I reached into my pocket to pull out my pack of ciggies. I had taken up a number of sins to cover the one I couldn’t forget.
My feet beat out the sounds of my thoughts as I walk briskly to the forest, remembering that lonely spring evening I had stood outside of John’s house. I remember the rain and the feel of the cold, paisley fabric as it clung to my shivering body. He had told me that night, “I couldn’t complete you.” I was shocked; scared at the implications of his words but now I realize how true they were. I had been a lost girl when I fell in love, and a woman searching for her independence when I jumped out. There’s a stain on November 17th that will never go away, and the way it all began…
I was sitting in traffic, waiting for the turn light on University Blvd. I was sitting patiently behind this woman in a Volkswagen when I quickly noticed her montage of bumper stickers and absentmindedly began reading them. “I love someone with Autism.” “American’s united for the fight against Autism.”…the signs read on and on. My eyes drifted back to the front of the vehicle and the woman behind the steering wheel, and then it struck me: this woman has a purpose. This woman is defined. Her pain was her power and I felt like a weak child staring in awe. My life had been a serious of incompletes, without purpose or drive. I knew then that I need a break, and who it would have to be from.

The Indisputable Truth
Prologue- March 2005

“What was love supposed to be like?” She yells out to me through the rain. Her dress is soaked through and I immediately know she has been standing out here for hours. I stare at the shivering face of my fallen angel Maria. I haven’t seen her since the fall. The red and golden leaves drifted down to her as she descended with each lie. Maria, the girl that gave her heart to me at fifteen and took it back at twenty. I had the sudden urge to give her warmth. I opened my mouth to ask if she wanted to come in but my words were lost.
“What was love supposed to be like?” Her face pleaded with me for an answer.
“What were you waiting for?”
“Did you expect us to be perfect?”
“Were you waiting for me to be perfect?” Her questions are coming too fast and my mind can’t comprehend their meaning. Maria, oh Maria, you tasted like summer and always stopped to dance in the rain. I thought having her in my life made everyday mean something. I wish I could hold her again but then I remember…
“I couldn’t complete you”, the words tumble out of my mouth before I realize their consequence. Her face looks stung, her green eyes opened wide at the realization of my words. “I couldn’t complete you,” I continue because I have to tell her everything now, “You were beautiful, enchanting. You gave yourself to me in ways I never knew I needed but I couldn’t be enough for you. I wanted to fix you, I wanted my love to be enough but it never was…
“When you talked about us, you spoke of our love like it was an indisputable truth. You believed in me as much as you believed in God. I wasn’t waiting for us to be perfect, and I didn’t need you to be perfect. All I wanted was for you to stop thinking I was perfect. I was your savior and you…you were my downfall…
”Her hollowed frame turns from me slowly and I know I have broken her spirit once again. I watch as she walks back to her car, and slowly her taillights fade into the night. I turn to go inside my apartment, still in shock from the night’s events. I know I won’t sleep tonight but I suddenly feel exhausted. I sit down in my room to write this all down but the words won’t come. I find my drawing pens to express myself in my notebook but I can’t see the lines. I get up to fix myself some dinner but nothing seems to satisfy this hole that is left in the pit of my stomach.
Almost two years have past and I still can’t shake her from my memory. I am angry that she had the audacity to show herself here, but I’m also heartbroken over her determination. Where was it when we needed it the most? I stare at my empty house and know that I am a broken man. I feel as though something stopped that November and no matter how hard I try, I can’t move forward. I wake up every morning to relieve November 18th, the day after she told me what she had done. I wake up in between a memory and a dream of her dancing on the sea shore, her red dress floating in the wind, carrying my worries along with it. I remember her laughing and her green eyes sparkling as she said to me, “you are everything to me”. Her love for me was like an indisputable truth and I was only starting to believe.

I would never again....the ending

She slept soundly next to me and I knew that her sleep was far easier than the questions that would occur upon her waking. I stared blankly out the window, watching the passing hills that had come to define my broken heart. I was leaving again and I wanted to scream. I wanted to say..
Fuck Leaving
Fuck Goodbyes
Anger is easier than sadness. She moved next to me, shifting to an unknown dream. I couldn't begin to explain what her presence meant to me. It had been a last minute revelation, that she would be travelling with me to the airport. I had been moved beyond words, never knowing this intimacy before. I had known love before with my family, strangers thrown together and commanded to love another. I had had lovers before, strangers who sleep together and therefore are commanded to love one another. This love was different. There was no give and take, just a state of being. A presence that did not require words. With no requests, all I could do was give.
Fuck Leaving
The train came to a slow stop and I softly bumped her shoulder. She awoke and I motioned with my eyes that it was time to go. It was I who led the way to the airport, having been through this station too many times. I had resolved to remain strong, the silence of our friendship helped. After we had found my flight and checked in my bags we went to eat breakfast. She had chosen a Burger King breakfast meal while I had bought a muffin and an extra water for her. She smiled gratefully and we settled back into our silence. It was these exchanges that others didn't understand. We would exchange small favors for each other without a word about paybacks or who had spent more on whom. I knew we both wanted to say something meaningful, but instead we discussed each others' schedules for the next week. I had wanted so much more for this moment, to have said or felt something that could be remembered forever. Instead I was left gazing at the airplanes coming in. Slowly, we began to watch the people around us, lives intermingling through a mixture of hellos and goodbyes.
Fuck Goodbyes
I knew it was getting late but we lingered longer at the table. I suppose we both believed that if we never moved towards the security gate I would never leave and this amazing experience would last forever. I was facing leaving a country where I had made my home for the past 9 months and yet...I could only sit there. Slowly we stood up and made our way to the gate. As we were walking, her eyes began to fill with tears. I was jealous over her ability to express all the emotions that were left alone in me. She reached into her bag and handed me a letter. I protested at first, embarassed that I had not thought of a similar token but she insisted that it was nothing. I took her gift and walked away. Once inside the safety of the airport lounge I opened her letter. She had copied down lyrics to our favorite songs and wrote about a friendship that would last forever.
I cried.
As my tears fell over my smile I knew; these were not the ones I had been waiting for. All the sadness I had been trying to express was lost in my overwhelming pride for our friendship. I looked up at the people around me, unconcerned about whether they had seen my reaction to her words. I wanted them to see that I had been given something that most people would never know, a true friendship. I wanted them to know that I would never again have to say goodbye.

Other people's shit


"Don't Take Anything Personally. There is an awful lot of negative energy out there and some of it is directed at us by other people. If you take it personally and take on the poison of another's words, it becomes a very negative agreement you have with yourself. What anybody thinks about you, or says about you, is really about them. Not taking it personally allows you to be in relationship with anyone and not get trapped in their stuff."

yesterday I had someone send me something that was intended to be very hurtful to me. At the time, I did get angry but after I had had some time to reflect on the issue I realized that the situation wasn't about me. I have not done anything wrong here and if they choose to lash out because of their insecurities...then that's their own issue. I don't have to take on other people's problems because that's not my responsibility. I believe in the dignity of people. I don't believe in religion but I believe in a God because there is dignity to people. Some of us have lost our dignity. When we let fear and anger control our lives we lose our dignity. I respect myself and others, and that is where my dignity comes from...

Respect yourself and then maybe you'll learn to respect others.

A More Perfect Fall


"But I could not recall a more perfect fall,
'cause when I looked up into your eyes it didn't hurt at all."

Today is a good day.

Find yourself a girl and settle down
live a simple life in a quiet town
steady as she goes, steady as she goes.
your friend have shown a kink in the single life
you've had too much to think now you need a wife
steady as she goes, steady as she goes
well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend that knows you well
but no matter what you do you always feel as though you've tripped and fell
so steady as she goes....

My friends tell me I'm the maneater and I'm starting to believe them. I've been on so many first dates the past couple of months I don't know what to do with myself. I always seem to get bored with guys and can't commit to anyone. So here I am, waiting for another date tonight and I am wondering if I am finally going to be interested.

'the only thing keeping me dry is where I am
seems so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
a stranger with your door key explaining that "i'm just visiting"
I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving
why I was the one worth leaving.'

I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving.
I am finally seeing, why I was, the one worth leaving.
I am finally; seeing why I was the one worth leaving.
I am. Finally seeing why; I was the one, worth leaving.
Finally I am seeing. I was the one worth leaving, why?
Seeing finally I am. Leaving one, I was worth the why.
Why I was worth the one leaving; I finally am seeing.
Why was I worth leaving? Finally the one I am seeing.
I am finally leaving. Worth the one I was seeing.
Leaving, am I? Finally seeing why I was worth the one.
I. Am. Finally. Seeing. Why? I. Was. The. One. Worth. Leaving.

Who's Left and Who's Leaving


I'm back with scars to show
back with the streets I know will never take me anywhere but here...
we meet here for our dress rehearsal to say: "I wanted it this way"...
all this time lingers undefined
someone choose
who's left and who's leaving....
lists of all that you gave me
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest
the best parts of lonely....

This makes me think about my plans to leave the country. I remember one night in the airport in London, thinking of going home. I remember this thought hit me so powerfully, that some are left and others are leaving. I thought of ______'s anger that he was being left and my anger that he didn't understand what it meant to be leaving. Then I realized that it's the same. Whether you are the one being left, or the one leaving, it all hurts. The pain in each step as I walked away was echoed in them as they watched my feet.

Forgetting to Remember



"Tonight we drink to youth and holding fast the truth. I don't want to lose what I had as a boy. My heart still has a beat but love is now a feat as common as a cold day in L.A. Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder, is there a spell that I am under? Keeping me from seeing the real thing. Love hurts but sometimes it's a good hurt and it feels like I'm alive. Love sings when it transcends the bad things. Have a heart and try me, 'cause without love I won't survive."

So I've started dating again and met some really nice guys. I'm enjoying the process after my break from dating. It's amazing the things I've learned about myself. And since no one reads this anyways, I'm going to share some.

1. I've learned my girlfriends are my best-friends. Nothing beats a girlfriend, someone to party with, to laugh with, and to cry with. I've never been so close to this many females in my life and I love it. They get me and they make a great sounding board for all of my crazy guy stories.

2. I love concerts, especially when you can get a beer, sit back, and enjoy the show.

3. The best memories are events that weren't planned. This is where having a boyfriend is boring. Maybe it's the guys I've been picking but I have never had as much fun as these past couple of months. Except for Anthony, who I will count as a friend forever.

4. I love waking up alone and setting my own agenda for the day.

5. Law and Order is overrated...sorry mike. If given the choice, I'd watch The Daily Show, Without a Trace, or South Park...but truth be told I never watch t.v....too busy hanging out with my awesome girlfriends.

6. I want to live in Paris, study Law in New York, study life in Asia, and travel somewhere different every month for my job. I want to be a world citizen that loves theatre and knows her Italian wines.

7. My perfect guy is older, smarter, and more ambitious than me.

8. I think religion is true but has been polluted by the masses.

9. I have nothing leftover. I am thankful for Josh, disappointed with Michael, puzzled by Richard, wiser because of Marcos, and honest for Anthony. As the song says, "there is only me."

When all you got is hurt

I have seen:

A man walk aimless around an airport, holding a bouquet of mother’s day flowers for his long lost son, later, crying himself to sleep because his son never showed,

A friend ashamed, explaining that her mother is lost again in some bar on the main strip, lying next to me because she couldn’t stay at home,

A mother walk slowly through a church, as everyone stares, knowing that her son was just convicted of murder,

A girl afraid to spend the night alone because it is the anniversary of her rape, an act that stole her dignity and hope,

A young man cry, knowing his love is leaving and when she returns it will never be the same; trying to hold back tears behind his sunglass,

A father afraid of his daughter and the woman she has become, knowing he can never teach her all the things he hopes and prays for,

A woman consumed by her own restlessness, a constant need for change and the disappointment that follows; looking back at me in the mirror.



When was the last time I held you all through the night?
Never a worry would run through my heart like a knife.
Feels like a zillion years and I don't want to wait more.
To find you, is to lose you.
What is that for?
One more night and I might never know who you are;
tell me.

To someone who still reads this and maybe some others who don't....You are just another thing I've yet to fathom


"if you're going to talk about the things I need
then you're going to have to find out what they are
you remind me of a time when i was boring

i wash my hands of you...I have been asking myself "when am I going to learn?"

I never held you, you never hold me
it's happening all over again
I try to tempt you, you say i'm diluted
when will this foolishness cease?

every time I see you I start choking, I prefer to keep my eyes wide open...
patience is a virtue when you're near me
i wash my hands of you...I've been asking myself "when am I going to learn?"

i know you'll be fine now that you're not mine

i never held you, you never hold me.
it's happening all over again...
i tempted to slay you with old fashioned manners
but patience was never my thing
i said you were special, you know that I meant it
if you carry on like that you'll never make it, if you carry on like me you'll never make it. "


An english song for an english memory...

Bud Light presents real men of genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy. Men from lesser states may know their state’s capital but you, you know your states bird, tree, and even reptile (love that horny toad). You display your pride with your lone star tattoo, native Texan bumper sticker, and contempt for any state that doesn’t start with Tex and end with as. (That spells Texas). Sure, there are 49 other states in the union, but they are smaller, wussier, and the people talk funny (Yankee wussy). So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh lover of the lone star state, cause all that flag waving must have made you mighty thirsty.

I'm getting excited about life. I went to see the Law School Advisor and now I'm so excited about my future. I really hope to move to New York soon and go to Law School. That would be my dream. I don't know what I'm going to do next year but I am hoping to either get a job in Europe or in New York; work on life before I go to Law School. But I'm in a really good place right now. I've gotten used to being by myself and I am starting to really enjoy it. I like being able to go wherever I want and the total freedom to choose what path my life will take next year. So yeah, I'm excited, about life. And it's beautiful.

That alright with You?

"Leave me out with the waste,
this is not what I do.
this is the wrong kind of place
to be cheating on you.
it's the wrong time,
she's pulling me through
it's a small crime and
I've got no excuse.
Is that alright?"

There are certain times of self-loathing. I have done things that I can never be proud of and will never try to justify. One of these things is cheating. I have cheated and I know that it was selfish and reprehensible but I find myself understanding other cheaters. Let me clarify, I have never had an affair. I have never had two relationships at one time. When I cheated, I told the person as soon as I could and ultimately we did break up. So, I find myself understanding those who were in a moment of weakness because through their selfishness and self-destruction they hurt someone else in a way that can never be mended. I understand that. The people I don't understand are those who cause people to cheat. In my paticular instance, I was a prize to be won. The guy even told me so. He knew I had a boyfriend and that we were long distance so he set out to "win me" away. But the fact was that he wasn't winning me because he thought he would be better with me but because he wanted a challenge. See, as soon as a hunter catches his prey the game is over and he loses interest. I figured this out a little late and after I broke up with him I was left alone. This experience fueled my utter disgust for people who would do this; set out to ruin another's happiness.
Then life experience hit me again. It was towards the end of the year in England and I had been single for a while. One of my good friends was not. Sure his relationship was a dead end (he was dating an English girl) but they were still dating, which made the kiss we shared that night wrong. Sure we were both quite tipsy and everyone thought we would make a better couple then him and his girlfriend but I immediately felt the self-loathing begin. I was one of those. I had caused him to cheat and I didn't know how to reconcile it within myself. The next night we went out again, this time his girlfriend was in tow.
I don't think I looked her in the eye the whole night.
Maybe she knew something, she probably didn't. We had never been more than acquaintances with various mutual friends but the guilt layed too heavily on me. I thought back to my previous experience and the one who had only pursued me as part of his game, how could he have slept at night when a simple kiss was wrenching my heart out? I remember once while we were dating he told me he didn't know if he could respect me, considering the situation surrounding our relationship.
I nearly laughed out loud.
Maybe one day I will find myself understanding him too. I understand cheaters but I still would never tolerate it. Shortly after my own experience my very good friend was cheated on. She asked me what to do and I told her to break up with him. She asked me how I could think that given my experience. I told her that it was simple; he is regrettful and he is very very sorry for what he did but cheating is only a sympton of a bigger disease. We had a moment of selfishness but it was because, when it comes down to it, we didn't love the other person more than ourselves. As a cheater, I know that it is not an inherent flaw in my being but born out of a flaw in my relationship. I know that when I find the right person I will love them more than myself and never hurt them.

"I gave me away.
I could have knocked off the evening,
but I was lonelily looking
for someone to hold.
In a way, I lost all I believed in
and I never found myself
so alone."


*Endnotes: My friend and her boyfriend did end up breaking up and she is very happy now. When I reference cheaters I am NOT talking about adulterers or those who cheat multiple times. I am referencing those who find themselves in a moment of weakness and make a mistake. Also, I was cheated on this summer and well..to prove the old cliche true, I know how it feels to walk in my ex's shoes and have even more of a resolve to never ever hurt someone like that again.
The lyrics are from Damien Rice. The first set is from his new song 9 Crimes and the second is from Lonelily.

Self-Pity (too ugly for me)

Am I supposed to
what you have chosen to be?
understand your pain and fear
I say I do and yet,
there's a sadness to your voice
that rings hollow to me.
Months and years
and I just turn away.
You ask for me to believe,
but I simply can't see.
Want to hear my story?
Scarred, abused, scorned
used, discarded, burned.
And you're supposed to be
the one with all the pain?
Forgive me for looking away;
your weakness is too ugly,
too ugly for me.

A True Relationship Song

Well now then Mardy Bum I've seen your frown and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun. And it goes off And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away

Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Well now then Mardy Bum

Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Well can't we laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

And yeah I'm sorry I was late but I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

“Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, passed over but I look through”

It’s funny, this small thing known as human behavior. My friend told me the other day that the definition of insanity is ‘repeating the same process expecting different results’. She was using this definition to comment on a humorous situation but her words come to me now. I don’t know why we repeat our actions; especially those that hurt us the most. Maybe I could get Freudian here and think that it has something to do with my father. My father was never reliable when I was growing up, he still isn’t. He has gotten better but there will always be selfishness in him that I know he will never grow out of. It is this way with my ex. We try to be friends, or more he tries to be my friend and I acquiesce, knowing, always knowing, that he will only let me down again. I would like to think it wasn’t all this way but I remember the constant frustration of our relationship, trying to make plans with a man that simply cannot give you his word. Granted, there is always a reason; a friend’s birthday, a long meeting, or a project to finish but after a couple of months I knew the real excuse, he could never see beyond himself. I love him very much and I think he is a wonderful person but, like my father, there is an inherent selfishness that resides without reason; an imperfection that causes a man to never step outside of himself, his comfort zone, and try. And now I can no longer try. This is why I have given up on his friendship, I don’t know if he notices that I don’t call or have cancelled my connection to him. I don’t think he realizes it is my utter disappointment in his being that has driven me away from him. He probably never will, for it would require him to step outside of his world and think of another’s. Then again, I am as guilty for I have let this behavior continue. It is no more, may he have a wonderful life. Unlike my father, he does not hold me close to remind me that there might be hope after all. Unlike my father, he does not carry this bond of blood that remains unbreakable.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

you're sick of feeling numb
you're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
and i'll show you a world you can understand
this life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn't work
trust me and take my hand, when the lights go out you'll understand

well anger and agony are better than misery

PAIN
without love
PAIN
can't get enough
PAIN
like it rough

Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

--Three Days Grace, Pain

Words from a poetic man (or two)

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground
When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie so I changed
My plans and rented a camera and a van and then
I called you 'I need you to pretend that we are in love again' and you agreed to
I want so badly to believe that 'there is truth, that love is real'
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled 'quiet on the set'
And then called 'action!'
And I kissed you in a style that clark gable would have admired (I thought it classic)
I want so badly to believe that 'there is truth, that love is real'
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

Evil Home Stereo

my itunes is working against me. It has played Blind by Lifehouse three times already in the span of an hour. I am starting to wonder if there are any happy songs on there. How's it Going to Be by Third Eye Blind also played. So I'm feeling a little low and I don't know if its the hangover from last night or the songs that play in my mind as I study french.
I remember when I used to think there was a way to get back to something. I was always looking for a way to get back to when things were simpler. Finally I realized this was a point of growing up. I didn't appreciate the moments for what they were. Now, when I find myself sad, I see it as something that will be over in time and not a permanent situation. Cold Water by Damien Rice just came on..."and I can't let go of your hand, Lord can you hear me now?".
My computer is evil

"I'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry, trying not to ask why
Cause love is a mystery
Love is blinding when the timing's never right
Oh who am I to beg for difference?
Finding love in just an instant
Well I don't mind, at least I've tried"

I know I've gone about this before. I was joking with my friend Michael about this the other day. He asked if I was just trying to get laid, when I said I didn't know why I was dating because I didn't want to put the effort out there to have a relationship. I told him, honestly, that I was just lonely. I don't want a relationship. I have got way too much going on right now with working, school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Do I sound like I need a man on top of all that?!?!
And yet...
"You were everything I ever wanted, the sky, all I've ever known. if I told you, 'you were right,' would you take my hand tonight? If I told you the reasons why, would you leave your life and ride? You saw all my pieces broken, this darkness I could never show."

evil home stereo what good songs do you know?

Home is where the heart is, but away is where my mind is

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go to Law School/Grad School lately. A huge part of me wants to move across the nation just to find something new. But I am hesitant. I don't understand what constitutes my fears, considering I did move to another country for nine months. Compared to that, moving to another state for one year doesn't sound very intimidating. Maybe it's because I realize it is very likely that I will stay wherever I move to. The prospect of moving away from home for good sounds both exhilarating and terrifying. I am one of those people who always has hope for the future. I don't have to push the issue right now, because I believe I will have a chance later. Moving away means the end of my chances here. I would have to say good-bye knowing full well that I might not return.

But as my friend Celina told me, I can always come home.

Something

This is only feeling with no thought
is this love?
What happened to the promises I bought?
Is this love?
--Cary Brothers


Sometimes I think there is a crazy karma to the world. The more I try to instill wisdom, the more I realize I don't know. It's amazing how one week everything is normal and then the next you're staring at your computer screen trying to figure out what happened. And of course your eyes fall on your thoughtful words and you realize that it's all full of crap. I think I'm going to stick to lyrics.

i don't understand

sometimes I really don't get people. I was contacted recently by someone I haven't spoken to in a long time. I responded positively, openly, but he has not. I would be remiss to say I didn't understand on some level where he is coming from. I too have wanted to preserve myself and not open the communication lines to people. Therefore, I do not write or try to contact these people but I would like to think if they contacted me I would be open to what they have to say.
I suppose what I really don't understand is why he wrote in the first place. Why write if you don't want to answer? Why start speaking if you have nothing to say? Maybe he has realized that we truly do inhabit different worlds now. Maybe I should have seemed more introspective and saddened by the loss of our friendship. But the truth is that I am not these things anymore. It has been over two years since we parted ways, and if I were to continue to believe that a wrong was committed when we walked away from each other then I would not have been able to survive these past 28 months.
He spoke on failing Love, as though love was a great ideal that was supposed to make everything work out. I still did not understand. Love is not an ideal. Love is an emotion and an action that inhabits our beings for a period of time. Life happens and people are pulled apart but this does not mean that love was failed. It means we are still mortals, full of wrongs and self-doubt. Love is a gift and therefore as quick as it is given can be taken away.
I wanted to tell him that the answers aren't found in the past. I could go over and over all the things that I have done to others and the wrongs that have been done to me. But where would that lead? All we are given is today.
And the answer I need is, what can I do with today; because that's all I've got right now.

New Deep


I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened I can barely survive a night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

Is there a God?
Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd when he knows my address?
And look at the stars
Don't they remind you of just how feeble we are?
Well it used to, I guess

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say, 'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'
But you're wrong this time
You're wrong

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing tonight
Stop trying to figure it out
It will only bring you down

You know, I used to be the backporch poet with my book of rhymes
Always open, knowing all the time I'm problably never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For 'heavier things'

In an ugly way, so beautiful


I'm not saying it was your fault,
Although, you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done?
Your such a smiling sweetheart

Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way,
Something so beautiful

That everytime I look inside
I know that she knows that,
I'm not fond of asking.
True or false it may be
She's still out to get me

I may say it was your fault
Cause I know you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done
By such a smiling sweetheart?

Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way, something so beautiful

Everytime I look inside
I know that she knows that
I'm not fond of asking

True or false it may be
She's still out to get me

Just don't let me down
Hold on to your kite
Just don't let me down

The Perfect Dress

I had a sober cigarette today. I never considered myself a smoker because I would only light up around others who were smoking while I was drinking. I also was unable to finish more than two in a night. Tonight was different. I've never craved a ciggy when sober but there was something in me that needed to drive into the dark with a cigarette in one hand and the music turned up loud. My friend was having an after-game party so I drove to her house, full of my independence.
There's something addictive about being alone. Lately I've enjoyed my occasional night to myself. I've been taking 17 hours and working 20 so i don't have a lot of free time. And while some might find it strange wanting to stay in on a saturday night by yourself, I find it freeing.
I suppose this is the same reason I haven't been trying to date. This summer I was dating multiple people and it was fun. I was honest with all of them, never committing to an exclusive relationship. My friends would ask if I ever thought that by doing this I would lose all of them. I suppose I had thought of it but the truth was that I didn't want any of them. If I truly had liked one of them then I wouldn't have been dating other people. Dating is like shopping, you know when you've found the perfect dress and you shouldn't settle for someone you have to convince yourself into liking. I'm choosing to be single now because; a. I can, even though some of my friends don't believe me and b. I found the perfect dress but he lives in Montana. Being true to him isn't going to bring him back to Texas any sooner but it is going to make his return sweeter. I've been a bit, actually a lot, selfish in my life. I always chalked it up to immaturity and was ok with that. Now I want to be an adult, I've learned words are cheap and the only way to actually be a better person to do the right thing. Besides, I'm a legal adult now, might as well start acting like one.

Table for one

I have been 21 for one month and four days. I suppose something magical is supposed to happen when you turn 21, why else would the government entrust me with alcohol? Though the interesting thing is something has happened. For one, I haven't been drunk since my birthday. It's not for lack of trying, I go out at least twice a week, but more from lack of desire. I believe there are moments when everything changes in your life. Now, you might not realize that a moment has just occured and the effects might not be felt for weeks or months; but with the benefit of hindsight you can see that moment for what it was, life changing. That night for me was July 29. It has become so infamous that my roommate and I simply refer to it as "that night". I can't explain what all happened that night, nor do I want to. What I will say is this; I pushed my boundaries to see where they might lead and when I found their inevitable end, it freaked me out. I swore off alcohol the next morning but that ended the next weekend when my friend Anthony came to town. And then my best-friend flew in from Montana and so we had to party it up. Every time I woke up in the morning I wished I had had one drink less (or two or three some nights). It wasn't that I found anything wrong with drinking in and of itself. It was that I didn't like the way I acted when I was intoxicated.
After Mike and I had been dating for about 9 months he proposed. Granted, he was incredibly wasted, yet he got down on one knee in the middle of a pool hall and asked for my hand in marriage. He told me that "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". I believed this. I still turned him down, of course, but from that day on I believed that the way I acted when i was drunk was the real me. What was I like? Well I loved to dance, could talk to anyone, and was superb at flirting. I was a riot. My friends bought me drinks if I didn't have cash because they loved the ball of energy I turned into. Then things began to change.
I would sit watching people, wanting to be real. I wanted to say things I couldn't say before and wanted people to believe them. I remember falling head over heels for a friend of mine and finally telling him...when I was drunk. The next morning I felt like a fool. I had meant everything but the alcohol had voided all of it. Two days later was my birthday...
Now here I am. It's a friday night and I am writing on my computer instead of going out. This is probably the first friday I have stayed in since school began. Truth be told, I haven't had a drop of alcohol all week. I even bought my favorite wine to eat with dinner and ended up not opening it. Maybe something magical does happen when you turn 21, alcohol is no longer forbidden so I no longer crave it. Though I know that is a load of bollocks. I was England all last year and I partied with the best of them. Maybe I'm just growing up. I'm not saying I want to give up alcohol. I love sitting back with friends and drinking a cold Shiner Boch.
What I know is that I already have enough regrets to last a lifetime and I don't need any help making more.

I was raped.

This is something I can write, but I've never been able to say. Something that I hadn't thought about in years but was reminded of last week. I was on campus at Poor Yorick's Coffe Shop when I saw him. He was standing a couple people ahead of me and when I walked by, before noticing him, he had non-chalantly said "Hi". Remember how in those movies, moments like these are always shot in slow motion? Well it's true. I felt like I stared at him for hours, but it was only a second of hesitation before I responded with a tentative "hello". I quickly shuffled back into line, clutching my sandwich desperately. I wanted to run away, I looked around hurriedly, hoping there was someone else I knew. I felt trapped as if all the air was leaving the shop. Slowly the line dwindled and he paid for his order. Afterwards, he walked up to me and said "hello" again. I looked at him, unsure what to do. I hadn't seen him in over two years and I had so much to say but nothing was coming to my mind. Then he said it. He said he was sorry. "I've changed a lot in the last year and I want you to know I'm so sorry about what I did". I wanted to tell him that that wasn't enough, that I was 18 when it happend, that I had been a virgin. That I had thought of him everytime a friend recounted her story of her first time. That he was why I had become Pro-Choice. But I just stared blankly back, which prompted him to apologize again, assuming that I wasn't hearing him. Finally, I smiled (I don't know how but I did) and I told him I forgave him. I told him that it was two years ago and that people change and I accept that. I told him I had changed, that I was older and stronger. I didn't want to give him credit for all that I had gone through since then. I didn't want to confess my depression that had left me immobile for months. I couldn't let him think that he had been a positive change in my life but in reality the result of that depression, the counseling, my turn as a couselor to other young girls. It made me wonder if all that would have happened if I hadn't agreed to date him.

He walked away and I was left thinking all these things. I remembered what I had written on my facebook profile about "shit happens". I knew I had to live by my own words and retain the forgiveness I had given him years ago. But his confession had an opposite reaction on me. Now that I knew that he knew all along he had been wrong I wanted to make him feel worse. I wanted to tell him that I didn't forgive him, that I never could. I wanted to scream about how horrible of a person he was. Then I remembered my words again. "Shit happens, not forgiving someone only ruins your own life and proves how selfish you are to think you are the only one who has ever been hurt". And I knew that I would forgive him.

I've seen him twice since, he works in a building I have class in. He always says "hello" and I always respond. I have no desire for more or less. His presence reminds me of all that I have done and been forgiven for.

"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do"

and even if they do, forigve them anyways because life is too short to be angry.


Update: I saw him a lot that semester. It turned out that he worked in the same building that I had a class in. I thought our meetings twice a week were a cruel joke being played out by God at first. Then I realized that there had to be a bigger meaning. With each tentative 'Hello' I began to see him more as a person. There is something he took away from me that night but the ability to humanize him is what gave me the power to truly forgive him. Before, I had marginalized his actions by assuming he didn't know what he did. After he apologized, I had to come to grips with the fact that he had known full well the consequences of his actions- and he had still committed them. That was the hardest thing to forgive. I feel sorry for those who are never able to confront those who have perpetrated against them. These people have to live in the fear of the unknown. It's times like these that I know there is a God.
This entry has stayed as a draft for far too long and I'm submitting it now because...well, it's the truth and sometimes the truth needs to be heard.

State Street Residential

holding fast until
the rent checks wear thin
because it hasn't sunk in, so far
when it's a drab routine
the dust starts building
until its hard to come clean
then my months stack up to an addictive crush
as if the drink weren't enough
a stagger cannot compete
there's no charm in being
a residential state street

and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?

wish you could know
better than you show
with parted lips pointing down
that the whiskey soothes more than you could ever do
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?

er what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make

and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?

what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make

may you only touch lightly
upon my broken dreams
a thought, a mind of you
given to me in weakness and truth

years past the simple words
spoken in, may I still claim
to know your thought
in the way i knew myself that day

you write on simplicity
and I am complicated by it
had I believed once you would only
touch lightly, i had been mistaken

response to seconds, and I am left shaking