Pieces (peace is) Broken Again

Black and white stress unnecessary words….words whose power lie in their being. An email again, fuck, why do we always have to be a world apart? Words stress and I’ve been here before. Cold sanitary rooms stretch unending. Hear the IV drip as nurses slip through quiet corridors. Who was here before…she….who? Here before, I lost myself somewhere along the way. A little piece….a little peace….it’s what you gave me then yet here we are again. I walk to quiet places and scream.

FUCK
YOU
ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!

God….God?

Goddamn

Black and white, did you have to do it again?

That Crazy Clare, She's Planning Again....


A lot has been going on lately. My father was in for a visit. He was supposed to be here for ten days but he had to leave early this morning beause my step-mom fell from the second story of their house in Tennessee. She shattered her ankle and hip and broke her shoulder. For those who do pray, I appreciate your concern.

I was thankful to be with my dad for the few days he was here. My brother came down this weekend so we could all hang out as a big happy family. We sat around on the lazy saturday afternoon and talked about politics and religion. Yeah, my family is like that. We're all philosophers in our own right and very much enjoy hearing the thought processes of one another.

It was also a healing weekend. My father and I have had our ups and downs over the years. Mostly starting with when I was born and he went through a mid-life crisis. He has been stepping up to the plate lately and I've been relying on him more and more. He even said he would take me to visit my dream school in D.C. when I'm visiting him later this month.

My dream school- I had heard of this school before but hadn't researched it fully until lately. Washington College of Law has a program where you spend the first two years in D.C. at the law school there and then spend two years at the University of Paris X-Nanterre. Upon graduation and passage of the bar, you will be certified to practice law in D.C. and the European Union (and possibly in Africa, Asia, and South America). Obviously, to me, the perfect program. But it is another commitment. I'm already looking at leaving and this will mean leaving again but for a much longer time. I've heard it all before- do it while you are young and unmarried. I am heading their advice obviously but I'm hoping that one day I will slow down because in the deepest part of me I do want a family and a sense of home. I've decided to apply Earl Decision (for anyone who doesn't know that means I have a better chance of getting in but, if I do, the decision is binding). I started working on my application's personal statement last night- pretty good if I don't say so myself.

Also, I got my visa and plane ticket, which means all my paperwork is done!

So that's the update. Other than that, I'm doing great. For those who know me- you know I'm happiest when I have my five-year plan ironed out.

A Little Piece

I recently went home to Texas to help take care of my Aunt Jane. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to be moved to Houston to receive chemotherapy. None of my family lives in Houston so I felt that I should travel back so that I could be by her side everyday. I was unsure how the experience would pan out. I was expecting a depressing three weeks filled with hospital visits and soothing my aunt's fears. This is roughly how the first week went. The first chemo treatment was grueling. My aunt has anxiety attacks so my focus was on keeping her calm and helping her remain lighthearted during the procedure. We were at the hospital for 12 hours and I was finding it hard to not let my exhaustion show. I thought to myself that I was unsure how I was going to make it for three weeks. Then something amazing happened. My aunt made it through the treatments beautifully, she was not heavily fatigued or nauseous. She was so happy to have me next to her that her feelings transferred to me. I began to take joy in the days I would see my aunt and her smiling face. I was able to spend time with her like I hadn't since I was a child. We talked about boys, school and friends. She told me about my grandmother and my great aunt the spinster. The hospitals changed from buildings full of death to people full of life. I think when people know their days are numbered they stop being petty and heartless with each other. I recognized the regulars and asked how their families were doing. I realized that death is inevitable and as some fight it most begin to see it as what it is, a part of life that must be accepted as other things are. Because someone is dying doesn't mean they stop living. Instead of searching for peace, they gave me a little piece of theirs.

A Jack Johnson song I never noticed before but seems appropriate now.


A brand new baby was born yesterday, just in time
papa cried, baby cried, said your tears are like mine
i heard some words from a friend on the phone
that didn't sound so good
the doctor gave him two weeks to live
i would give him more if i could
you know that i would now
if only I could
you know that i would
if only I could
down the middle drops one more grain of sand
they say that new life makes loosing life easier to understand
words are kind they help ease the mind
I miss my old friend
though you got to go
we'll keep a piece of your soul
one goes out
one comes in
you know that I would now
If I could
you know that I would now
If I could