I'm ranting while I'm raving: "There's nothing here worth saving!"

So tell me now what more do you need?

Miguelos, I've lost the will for fighting over everything.   

and there's a few things I gotta say... make no mistake I'm mad.                                                   

Cause every good thing I had abandoned me.

Oh sad and lonesome me     

I'm the walking wounded                                                    

Did I say it to your face?                   

No? I guess I just can't find my place          

Why can't you just tell me what more do you need?                                             

She chose to kill love on New Year's day.

She had felt the love leaving her slowly, as through a mortal wound, therefore this choice was merely a formality. The clock had struck twelve and a chord within. She glanced up from the melée, found the hands standing perfectly in time, and noted her decision with simple acceptance. It was like a death passing in the night- a thing unnoticed. She chose to kill love so that it would stop killing her. New Year's was simply the day upon which it occured, for she did not believe in resolutions, like man could change the turns of destiny through the difference in one second. She peered down at her hands, inspecting the wrists, uncertain that the feeling of suicide inside did not have an outward effect. She would live another year alone because it was better this way.
It was better to be destroyed by one's own hands.

palms pressed firmly together
thoughts intertwined
I miss these moments with you
that exist only in my mind

Damn Lucky


Here’s the problem. I’ve got to be blown away. I mean, AMAZED. Then again, I have to be adored. The two don’t seem to mix. I mean, if I am truly amazed by a guy then what is the likelihood he will feel the same way about me? Whereas, if I am not amazed by the guy but he is amazed by me we will continue to play a charade where I keep going on date after date hoping that at some point I am amazed by him all the while knowing that even if I were to get into a relationship with this person I would not be happy because I would be constantly thinking about how they just do not blow me away.
Got it?
So maybe this is why I’ve been so utterly single for the past sixteen months unless you count the blip that was Kip, but I don’t (unless he does) -which I’m sure he doesn’t. So I am back to the beginning. I’ve got a bit of a problem and my friends are tired of hearing about it. One of my friends says I’m way too picky and I need to lower my standards and give someone a fucking chance.
“For Christsakes Clare, give him a fucking chance!”
And then my other friend, well she listens quite quietly and then responds “Well Clare you see it’s not really that big of a deal. It doesn’t really matter at all. Next week someone new will ask you out and you will replace this heartbreak with a new one. Don’t you see that you never have to be upset because there’s always a replacement? Well, at least for girls like you.”
You would think I didn’t have a heart. I can steal feel…whether it be for one or twenty.
(Whoa that sounds messed up)
Then my ex says “You’re damn lucky you’re pretty. You as annoying as hell and no one would put up with that sarcasm of yours if you weren’t so damn pretty.” And I think, shit he’s right. I am severely messed up and every day and date that goes by proves the point even further. I want to think it wasn’t always this way. Once, when asked how old I was the last time I was single, I responded…”I don’t know…12”. Yeah, it happened.
But through a dramatic course of events that involved one birthday, a chocolate pie, a Myspace page, and an extremely pissed-off Clare, I decided to take a break. I hung up my dancing shoes. I didn’t go on a single date for three months. Then there was New Years, some garbage-can punch, and one serious conversation in the bathroom. Again, I was left smarting.
Well, I made that birthday call again this year but left out the chocolate pie. As I sat down the phone, I looked at my best-friend (the one with the boyfriend) and we both said “What a difference a year makes”.
The point is that, I am still single and I’m OK. I’m moving to France in two months for a year abroad until I start law school. Honestly, I’m in love with my life right now. Do I wish there was someone to share it with? Sometimes, but more often than not, I am content.
At the end of the day, I’m still friends with all my exes (minus one), my friends ask for my advice on their relationships (so I must not be too messed-up), and my guy friends do wonderful things like tell me I’m the epitome of amazingness (I heart Pat).
You know, being the single friend isn’t so bad after all.

Darlin'

"I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips, and
they both tell me we're better than this.
'Cause that's what I'm waiting for.
that's what i'm waiting for, aren't I?
that's what I'm waiting for darlin'. "


When did waiting for better become acting for nothing?

Last year around this time, I began the 'single thing'. I purposefuly remained single to clarify my mind and figure myself out. It all sounded very Zen. I would work out more, drink less, and come to find who the real 'clare' was. My longtime friends cheered my independence; I had always been the girl with the boyfriend and they were excited to see what I might find on my own. So I began my journey, full of my own pride and thinking that, when the time came, I could end my fast on love. Many long runs and attempted Yoga positions later, I decided to accept a date and get back out there. It all started out innocently enough, with someone I had known and wanted to date for a long time. But then one thing led to another and nothing seemed to work out. My friends who had cheered me at the starting line were now considering the various effects this jaunt into self-fulfillment had cost me. They began doing what is the gravestone of every single person's life: they set me up with their boyfriend's friends. A couple of dinners and some polite conversation later, I began to wonder where this Zen journey had left me. I had completed the journey; I had figured out exactly what I wanted, now I just had to find the guy. Three strikes was brought down to one and nobody was able to measure up. Not funny enough, not serious enough, oh wait too serious, but not smart enough, and definitely not cute enough... and again and again.

fuck Zen

I think my one year sojourn has become two

"Yeah!" they'll say, "You're a free woman!" they'll rant all the while whispering..."do you think we should set her up with Paul or Thomas?"

Find yourself a girl and settle down
live a simple life in a quiet town
steady as she goes, steady as she goes.
your friend have shown a kink in the single life
you've had too much to think now you need a wife
steady as she goes, steady as she goes
well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend that knows you well
but no matter what you do you always feel as though you've tripped and fell
so steady as she goes....

My friends tell me I'm the maneater and I'm starting to believe them. I've been on so many first dates the past couple of months I don't know what to do with myself. I always seem to get bored with guys and can't commit to anyone. So here I am, waiting for another date tonight and I am wondering if I am finally going to be interested.

The Perfect Dress

I had a sober cigarette today. I never considered myself a smoker because I would only light up around others who were smoking while I was drinking. I also was unable to finish more than two in a night. Tonight was different. I've never craved a ciggy when sober but there was something in me that needed to drive into the dark with a cigarette in one hand and the music turned up loud. My friend was having an after-game party so I drove to her house, full of my independence.
There's something addictive about being alone. Lately I've enjoyed my occasional night to myself. I've been taking 17 hours and working 20 so i don't have a lot of free time. And while some might find it strange wanting to stay in on a saturday night by yourself, I find it freeing.
I suppose this is the same reason I haven't been trying to date. This summer I was dating multiple people and it was fun. I was honest with all of them, never committing to an exclusive relationship. My friends would ask if I ever thought that by doing this I would lose all of them. I suppose I had thought of it but the truth was that I didn't want any of them. If I truly had liked one of them then I wouldn't have been dating other people. Dating is like shopping, you know when you've found the perfect dress and you shouldn't settle for someone you have to convince yourself into liking. I'm choosing to be single now because; a. I can, even though some of my friends don't believe me and b. I found the perfect dress but he lives in Montana. Being true to him isn't going to bring him back to Texas any sooner but it is going to make his return sweeter. I've been a bit, actually a lot, selfish in my life. I always chalked it up to immaturity and was ok with that. Now I want to be an adult, I've learned words are cheap and the only way to actually be a better person to do the right thing. Besides, I'm a legal adult now, might as well start acting like one.

Table for one

I have been 21 for one month and four days. I suppose something magical is supposed to happen when you turn 21, why else would the government entrust me with alcohol? Though the interesting thing is something has happened. For one, I haven't been drunk since my birthday. It's not for lack of trying, I go out at least twice a week, but more from lack of desire. I believe there are moments when everything changes in your life. Now, you might not realize that a moment has just occured and the effects might not be felt for weeks or months; but with the benefit of hindsight you can see that moment for what it was, life changing. That night for me was July 29. It has become so infamous that my roommate and I simply refer to it as "that night". I can't explain what all happened that night, nor do I want to. What I will say is this; I pushed my boundaries to see where they might lead and when I found their inevitable end, it freaked me out. I swore off alcohol the next morning but that ended the next weekend when my friend Anthony came to town. And then my best-friend flew in from Montana and so we had to party it up. Every time I woke up in the morning I wished I had had one drink less (or two or three some nights). It wasn't that I found anything wrong with drinking in and of itself. It was that I didn't like the way I acted when I was intoxicated.
After Mike and I had been dating for about 9 months he proposed. Granted, he was incredibly wasted, yet he got down on one knee in the middle of a pool hall and asked for my hand in marriage. He told me that "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". I believed this. I still turned him down, of course, but from that day on I believed that the way I acted when i was drunk was the real me. What was I like? Well I loved to dance, could talk to anyone, and was superb at flirting. I was a riot. My friends bought me drinks if I didn't have cash because they loved the ball of energy I turned into. Then things began to change.
I would sit watching people, wanting to be real. I wanted to say things I couldn't say before and wanted people to believe them. I remember falling head over heels for a friend of mine and finally telling him...when I was drunk. The next morning I felt like a fool. I had meant everything but the alcohol had voided all of it. Two days later was my birthday...
Now here I am. It's a friday night and I am writing on my computer instead of going out. This is probably the first friday I have stayed in since school began. Truth be told, I haven't had a drop of alcohol all week. I even bought my favorite wine to eat with dinner and ended up not opening it. Maybe something magical does happen when you turn 21, alcohol is no longer forbidden so I no longer crave it. Though I know that is a load of bollocks. I was England all last year and I partied with the best of them. Maybe I'm just growing up. I'm not saying I want to give up alcohol. I love sitting back with friends and drinking a cold Shiner Boch.
What I know is that I already have enough regrets to last a lifetime and I don't need any help making more.