I was raped.

This is something I can write, but I've never been able to say. Something that I hadn't thought about in years but was reminded of last week. I was on campus at Poor Yorick's Coffe Shop when I saw him. He was standing a couple people ahead of me and when I walked by, before noticing him, he had non-chalantly said "Hi". Remember how in those movies, moments like these are always shot in slow motion? Well it's true. I felt like I stared at him for hours, but it was only a second of hesitation before I responded with a tentative "hello". I quickly shuffled back into line, clutching my sandwich desperately. I wanted to run away, I looked around hurriedly, hoping there was someone else I knew. I felt trapped as if all the air was leaving the shop. Slowly the line dwindled and he paid for his order. Afterwards, he walked up to me and said "hello" again. I looked at him, unsure what to do. I hadn't seen him in over two years and I had so much to say but nothing was coming to my mind. Then he said it. He said he was sorry. "I've changed a lot in the last year and I want you to know I'm so sorry about what I did". I wanted to tell him that that wasn't enough, that I was 18 when it happend, that I had been a virgin. That I had thought of him everytime a friend recounted her story of her first time. That he was why I had become Pro-Choice. But I just stared blankly back, which prompted him to apologize again, assuming that I wasn't hearing him. Finally, I smiled (I don't know how but I did) and I told him I forgave him. I told him that it was two years ago and that people change and I accept that. I told him I had changed, that I was older and stronger. I didn't want to give him credit for all that I had gone through since then. I didn't want to confess my depression that had left me immobile for months. I couldn't let him think that he had been a positive change in my life but in reality the result of that depression, the counseling, my turn as a couselor to other young girls. It made me wonder if all that would have happened if I hadn't agreed to date him.

He walked away and I was left thinking all these things. I remembered what I had written on my facebook profile about "shit happens". I knew I had to live by my own words and retain the forgiveness I had given him years ago. But his confession had an opposite reaction on me. Now that I knew that he knew all along he had been wrong I wanted to make him feel worse. I wanted to tell him that I didn't forgive him, that I never could. I wanted to scream about how horrible of a person he was. Then I remembered my words again. "Shit happens, not forgiving someone only ruins your own life and proves how selfish you are to think you are the only one who has ever been hurt". And I knew that I would forgive him.

I've seen him twice since, he works in a building I have class in. He always says "hello" and I always respond. I have no desire for more or less. His presence reminds me of all that I have done and been forgiven for.

"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do"

and even if they do, forigve them anyways because life is too short to be angry.


Update: I saw him a lot that semester. It turned out that he worked in the same building that I had a class in. I thought our meetings twice a week were a cruel joke being played out by God at first. Then I realized that there had to be a bigger meaning. With each tentative 'Hello' I began to see him more as a person. There is something he took away from me that night but the ability to humanize him is what gave me the power to truly forgive him. Before, I had marginalized his actions by assuming he didn't know what he did. After he apologized, I had to come to grips with the fact that he had known full well the consequences of his actions- and he had still committed them. That was the hardest thing to forgive. I feel sorry for those who are never able to confront those who have perpetrated against them. These people have to live in the fear of the unknown. It's times like these that I know there is a God.
This entry has stayed as a draft for far too long and I'm submitting it now because...well, it's the truth and sometimes the truth needs to be heard.