Chapter 2
I Loved You First

There’s a certain beauty to being young- when regrets are only lessons and dreams are thoughts of tomorrow. This thought comes to me again as I sit on the English hillside: I am young, and I am free. I have become defined, but the memory still persists. I am dancing on the beach in my summer dress and he is there. “You are everything to me,” I had said it, but had I meant it?
“Maria, you shouldn’t be so anti-social all the time,” I look up to see Peter’s grinning face looking down at me.
“Sorry Peter, I was just…thinking,” I am unsure about sharing my anxiety. He had caught me in a fragile moment but the sudden interruption had caused my thoughts to shift so violently, I was unsure if I could get them back.
‘Oh yes, Maria, the girl with the great sadness,” his words were playful but striking. “I’ll leave you alone to your thoughts…if I can get a cigarette first.”
As I watch him walk back to the dorm rooms, I think of his words. Was I really the girl with the great sadness? Had I let this particular sadness live too long within me? These thoughts continue to dance on my mind as I watch the other students on the hillside. It is a rare, crisp autumn day. People had warned me that it rained everyday in England. This was, in fact, not entirely true; everyday it drizzles. The skies were clear for once and everyone was taking an advantage by playing various sports. I spotted Christopher playing football at the end of the slope with some of his students, and the familiar pang hit me again. When we had met, I had been bowled over by his intelligence and drive. He had big dreams and as we talked politics over pints, I felt like they could be my dreams also. That was six months ago and now he was nothing more than a stranger to me. This sense of rejection was particularly sharp because I still hadn’t figured out why we had fallen apart in the first place. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a professor but he had treated me as a colleague and confidant. I thought we had a connection that would transcend the differences others had pointed out so blatantly. I had been the one to drop the final shoe..
"You are going to miss my love," he had said openly, smugly.
"I never had it anyway," I felt empowered by the realization that I was losing something I had never owned in the first place. It was over now and as sure as I knew it, I knew I would be moving on soon. I had always been a traveler, and though I had always considered myself to be one who was traveling toward something, I felt this time I might be traveling away from someone.
“Fuck!” In my search for answers I had forgotten all about my cigarette until it burned my hand as a reminder of reality. “Fuck,” I said softly, this time for reasons other than my hand. I had promised myself when I drove away from John’s house that I would show love with no remorse, it was proving harder than I had imagined. “Afraid of being alone,” that is what Sara had said. She was afraid because, to her, it meant being unwanted. To me, the goal of a relationship is to find a partner, and the truth was I only worked alone.
I glanced at my pack of cigarettes, considering lighting up another. Right now, cancer seemed a much better alternative to the thoughts in my head but I decided against it.