Chapter 8

The Night before the Night

October, 2004

The hot water streams over my face mixing with the sweat and tears that had bathed it earlier. The water is splashing over onto my matted hair but I can’t muster the strength to begin to wash it. I could stand here for hours, letting the scalding rain shower my closed eyes and open mouth. It hurts but I’m not sure what ‘it’ is. The drive to my shower had been one that did not require thought, I had simply known that this is what I needed most of all. I place my head against the cold tile, letting the water fall onto my neck and shoulders.
“Damn it” I scream this word over and over in my head but only a single utterance slips out.
I roll my forehead back and forth against the tile considering what my steps will be when I walk out of this shower. There is a moment when you are the only one privy to a secret. At that moment you realize that if you simply stand still and do nothing, it might remain your secret and yours alone for forever.
I could still feel the ghosts of his touch on my skin- brief flashes of memory that remind me exactly what happened last night. I want to be washed away in the shower’s strong current and forget this day and all that led to it.

You see, the story just doesn’t fit. There’s no quality to the truth that makes it worth telling. I am staring at my computer monitor trying to summon the strength to explain the night before the night and I…can’t. There’s that ugly truth that throws itself out in front of the crowd because its grotesque nature cannot be kept silent…and then there’s real life. This is real life. I would like to think there was a breaking point. A moment of total despair at which point I jumped back into the arms of the one that I loved the most but it wasn’t like that. I wanted life to be like something I could see on a movie screen but all that surrounded me were hollow scripts and vapid characters. In the very pit of my selfishness, I at least knew enough to understand this one truth: that there is no fairytale and if you try to create one then you have to live with it. You have to live with life after the fairy tale. I should have broken down. I should have cried on my knees and begged him to say. Better yet, I should have never said a word at all. I could have lived that perfect lie -life- for years. I would have been happy. I know I would have. Yet the story just doesn’t fit. I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I try and try to find the words to say it all. I try to find the perfect package, to present my life in neat rows typed on a clean white paper, and I come up with nothing. Like my prayers, my words are empty.

I glance at the clock and realize I’m going to be late for the taxi again. Sarah is always late and taxi drivers are notorious for leaving if you aren’t at the pickup point so I grab my bag and run out of my dorm room. My bag is light with the shorts and tank tops I had packed in anticipation for the Spanish weather. England is known for its terrible weather but nothing can prepare you for the all encompassing sadness of the low slung clouds and damp air. I stop suddenly to see Sarah hailing down the taxi on the corner in front of the chapel. It’s strange how best friends surprise you right at the moment you need it most. I run over to the other side of the taxi and jump in the back.
“Passport?”
“Yep. Plane tickets?”
“Yes ma’am”
Our exchange had become a ritual over the passing months as we jetted to different countries in search of new adventure.
“Any men this time?”
“Yeah…well, let’s just kiss…no bringing anyone home. I don’t trust the Spaniards.”
“Werd”
Again, our exchange continues under the curious eye of the taxi driver. We always set out our parameters for men before we leave. This way if either one of us gets too drunk the other knows the guidelines that have already been set up. Sarah has saved me from way too many mistakes and I like to think I’ve saved her from a few.
I am settled into my seat on the train headed to Liverpool Lime Street before I realize I left my computer on, my heart in plain view, and my door wide open.