The Perfect Dress

I had a sober cigarette today. I never considered myself a smoker because I would only light up around others who were smoking while I was drinking. I also was unable to finish more than two in a night. Tonight was different. I've never craved a ciggy when sober but there was something in me that needed to drive into the dark with a cigarette in one hand and the music turned up loud. My friend was having an after-game party so I drove to her house, full of my independence.
There's something addictive about being alone. Lately I've enjoyed my occasional night to myself. I've been taking 17 hours and working 20 so i don't have a lot of free time. And while some might find it strange wanting to stay in on a saturday night by yourself, I find it freeing.
I suppose this is the same reason I haven't been trying to date. This summer I was dating multiple people and it was fun. I was honest with all of them, never committing to an exclusive relationship. My friends would ask if I ever thought that by doing this I would lose all of them. I suppose I had thought of it but the truth was that I didn't want any of them. If I truly had liked one of them then I wouldn't have been dating other people. Dating is like shopping, you know when you've found the perfect dress and you shouldn't settle for someone you have to convince yourself into liking. I'm choosing to be single now because; a. I can, even though some of my friends don't believe me and b. I found the perfect dress but he lives in Montana. Being true to him isn't going to bring him back to Texas any sooner but it is going to make his return sweeter. I've been a bit, actually a lot, selfish in my life. I always chalked it up to immaturity and was ok with that. Now I want to be an adult, I've learned words are cheap and the only way to actually be a better person to do the right thing. Besides, I'm a legal adult now, might as well start acting like one.