Josh says it's about unrequited homosexuality but I still love it anyway
For your delight- Dave Matthew's Band, #41:
Come see:
I swear by now (that) I'm playing time
I against my troubles (a battle to be won)
I'm coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance?
and while I'm in the front, the play on time is won
Oh, but the difficult is coming here
I will go in this way and find my own way out (away from you)
I won't tell you to be
But it's coming to much more: Me
(the end and beginning)
Come down, let the ghosts come back, reeling in you now (the ghosts of memories)
What if they came down crushing?
In the way I used to play for all of the loneliness that nobody....
Notice it now:
begging slow, I'm coming here
Only waiting
I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you
I'm only this far and only tomorrow leads the way (the answer lies ahead)
I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head
Please, I wouldn't pass this by (please) I wouldn't take any more than...
What sort of man goes by?
I will bring water
Why wont you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won't you run in the rain and play (and) let the tears (mine) splash all over you?
Friday, June 15
Tuesday, June 12
Chapter 5
A long way from that fool’s mistake
I suppose there are always conflicting accounts when it comes to any story of consequence. I am sure that if you were to ask John what happened he would state something about me not being satisfied in the relationship because I relied on him too much. There are always conflicting reports but there is also usually a bit of truth in each one. Here is mine:
“I met him when I was fifteen. I don’t know how to explain what it is like to meet the love of your life at that age. There was a moment of love at first sight, though I have since dismissed this notion. It wasn’t that I found him particularly handsome or breathtaking, he possessed a confidence and self-assurance there that made me thinks that he might actually be the best person that God ever created. It was like meeting the person you’ve always wanted to, before you knew who it was you were looking for. I was transfixed, a state that lasted for the next five years. Like a little girl dancing for her father, I was always interested in impressing John. I wanted to be his perfect girl. I suppose that my obsession placed a strain on him, to be the man that I believed he was but what he didn’t see was that there was no way I could ever think negatively of him. He was Jonathan, the beginning and end of my adolescent love. That is why I can’t understand November….
I paused to consider my next statement. There was a certain way that ugly truths must be said, and that is openly and deliberately.
“I can’t understand why I cheated on John, or what drove me to end the only thing on this earth I have ever known to be perfect. I suppose that five years of perfection had taken its toll and I wanted to know what it would be like to die in another’s arms.
“Something Corporate,” she comments on my use of the lyrics she had given me.
“Yes, but that’s what it was. I truly wanted something to die inside of me. I had been hurting for a long time and it was in ways that John either couldn’t or didn’t want to see. At the time, I didn’t know how to understand failure without it being full and complete. So I slept with someone else and immediately afterwards I knew that it was a mistake and I couldn’t tell Jonathan. If I told him, I knew it would kill him. I went on with my pain for the next couple of weeks, trying to think of how to overcome it without burdening him anymore with my sadness. I decided to take a pregnancy test when it had been over a month later and that is when it all began to come crashing down. John and I had begun sleeping together a couple of months earlier but I couldn’t stand the thought of a lifetime of not knowing who the father was.
I pause again to let the truth seep into the both of us.
“I…..yeah….received a….” It was so hard to say the word but I knew I had to press through this. I had never told anyone this entire story.
“I got an abortion.
I don’t know what Sarah’s eyes looked like because I couldn’t meet them.
“I went to the same clinic that John and I had put on our prayer list, the one that our church had picketed. It was a comfort in a way to think that they were now praying for me.”
“Things were becoming out of control and I wasn’t eating or sleeping anymore. I was completely overcome with my shame over my actions; I knew that I had to tell him. One night after a prayer meeting, I spilled my heart out to him, begging forgiveness and trying to find some sort of peace for my sins. He held me that night and told me that it was going to be alright. I believed him until a couple of days later when our preacher called me, he wanted to get together to talk. I didn’t know what he wanted, so I went up there. When he told me that John had told him about my abortion and that he wanted to pray for me, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that John had shared my secret, but it got worst. Soon other members of the church began to speak in hushed tones and watch me carefully. I realized that there had been a leak and others had found out what had happened. I couldn’t believe their reaction. These people who had claimed to have so much love were now turning their backs on me as though my sins were contagious. I was absolutely disgusted with the church and told John I thought so. But even though we had become strained, we were making it through. We had been in love for years, and it had never occurred to me that there was any other way to be.
“That is until he told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He felt as though I had turned away from God and the church. He had been speaking with his parents and the pastor about our relationship and they had advised him to distance himself from me. I couldn’t believe their inability to forgive. I couldn’t believe that they felt as though they had a right to ask for alms from me, as though my abortion had been a direct act against them. I was lying on my floor, crying my heart out and they thought that I was nothing more than a dirty whore. He told me later that he wanted to come to me and save me but that he knew he couldn’t do anything for me. I still can’t believe it. Five years and he knows he can’t help me. That’s not what you do. You don’t just sit back because there’s nothing to do. You sit and you hold someone until things begin to get better, you don’t give up. So I walked away. I walked away from him, his family, and the church. The depth to which that belief was ripped out of me is incomprehensible and unexplainable…”
It took me a moment to realize that I had stopped talking. Sarah was watching me with a look of disbelief and amazement on her face, her mouth agape. Slowly she began to speak, “I never knew…Maria, you realize that you are amazing.”
I couldn’t hide my bewilderment. “What do you mean?”
“You went through all of that and yet you are so…normal. I’m surprised you aren’t angrier.”
“I am angry. I am furious but the energy that it takes to show those emotions…I suppose I figure that they don’t deserve it,” I stared back into my cold latte, “Desmond Tutu said that forgiveness is about getting your own life back. For a long time I couldn’t even forgive myself for what happened. I felt that if I let myself off the hook that it would mean that I didn’t have a hand in what happened. I know that John is miserable and hurt and that I did that. I set the actions into motion. I know that but I also know if I don’t let myself be forgiven then I will never receive it.”
“What about the future? Do you think you and John will ever work it out?”
“Sarah, I don’t even know how to begin to ask myself that question. The disappointment and regret weigh down on me too much at times. Some days there isn’t enough liquor to make it disappear but other days I can find solace in the simple things. Sometimes when I sit on the hillside and smoke a cigarette, I can make myself believe that I am happier now. I can forget that I once had everything.”
“How do you find the energy to date other people, like Christopher, how did you get the courage to open yourself up?”
I laugh ruefully, “well I took a chance and when it fell apart there was a certain joy to it.”
She is looking at me perplexed as to how I could find such happiness in a breakup.
“You see, for once, it wasn’t my fault. It ended because he was the screwed up one, not me, and for that- I am thankful.”
Her laugh is hearty and exactly what is needed after our serious conversation. “I take back what I said about you being normal” she retorts with another laugh.
“Why do I hang out with you again?” I playfully shake my head, “Let’s get back to the dorms before you make me spill my heart out again.”
A long way from that fool’s mistake
I suppose there are always conflicting accounts when it comes to any story of consequence. I am sure that if you were to ask John what happened he would state something about me not being satisfied in the relationship because I relied on him too much. There are always conflicting reports but there is also usually a bit of truth in each one. Here is mine:
“I met him when I was fifteen. I don’t know how to explain what it is like to meet the love of your life at that age. There was a moment of love at first sight, though I have since dismissed this notion. It wasn’t that I found him particularly handsome or breathtaking, he possessed a confidence and self-assurance there that made me thinks that he might actually be the best person that God ever created. It was like meeting the person you’ve always wanted to, before you knew who it was you were looking for. I was transfixed, a state that lasted for the next five years. Like a little girl dancing for her father, I was always interested in impressing John. I wanted to be his perfect girl. I suppose that my obsession placed a strain on him, to be the man that I believed he was but what he didn’t see was that there was no way I could ever think negatively of him. He was Jonathan, the beginning and end of my adolescent love. That is why I can’t understand November….
I paused to consider my next statement. There was a certain way that ugly truths must be said, and that is openly and deliberately.
“I can’t understand why I cheated on John, or what drove me to end the only thing on this earth I have ever known to be perfect. I suppose that five years of perfection had taken its toll and I wanted to know what it would be like to die in another’s arms.
“Something Corporate,” she comments on my use of the lyrics she had given me.
“Yes, but that’s what it was. I truly wanted something to die inside of me. I had been hurting for a long time and it was in ways that John either couldn’t or didn’t want to see. At the time, I didn’t know how to understand failure without it being full and complete. So I slept with someone else and immediately afterwards I knew that it was a mistake and I couldn’t tell Jonathan. If I told him, I knew it would kill him. I went on with my pain for the next couple of weeks, trying to think of how to overcome it without burdening him anymore with my sadness. I decided to take a pregnancy test when it had been over a month later and that is when it all began to come crashing down. John and I had begun sleeping together a couple of months earlier but I couldn’t stand the thought of a lifetime of not knowing who the father was.
I pause again to let the truth seep into the both of us.
“I…..yeah….received a….” It was so hard to say the word but I knew I had to press through this. I had never told anyone this entire story.
“I got an abortion.
I don’t know what Sarah’s eyes looked like because I couldn’t meet them.
“I went to the same clinic that John and I had put on our prayer list, the one that our church had picketed. It was a comfort in a way to think that they were now praying for me.”
“Things were becoming out of control and I wasn’t eating or sleeping anymore. I was completely overcome with my shame over my actions; I knew that I had to tell him. One night after a prayer meeting, I spilled my heart out to him, begging forgiveness and trying to find some sort of peace for my sins. He held me that night and told me that it was going to be alright. I believed him until a couple of days later when our preacher called me, he wanted to get together to talk. I didn’t know what he wanted, so I went up there. When he told me that John had told him about my abortion and that he wanted to pray for me, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that John had shared my secret, but it got worst. Soon other members of the church began to speak in hushed tones and watch me carefully. I realized that there had been a leak and others had found out what had happened. I couldn’t believe their reaction. These people who had claimed to have so much love were now turning their backs on me as though my sins were contagious. I was absolutely disgusted with the church and told John I thought so. But even though we had become strained, we were making it through. We had been in love for years, and it had never occurred to me that there was any other way to be.
“That is until he told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He felt as though I had turned away from God and the church. He had been speaking with his parents and the pastor about our relationship and they had advised him to distance himself from me. I couldn’t believe their inability to forgive. I couldn’t believe that they felt as though they had a right to ask for alms from me, as though my abortion had been a direct act against them. I was lying on my floor, crying my heart out and they thought that I was nothing more than a dirty whore. He told me later that he wanted to come to me and save me but that he knew he couldn’t do anything for me. I still can’t believe it. Five years and he knows he can’t help me. That’s not what you do. You don’t just sit back because there’s nothing to do. You sit and you hold someone until things begin to get better, you don’t give up. So I walked away. I walked away from him, his family, and the church. The depth to which that belief was ripped out of me is incomprehensible and unexplainable…”
It took me a moment to realize that I had stopped talking. Sarah was watching me with a look of disbelief and amazement on her face, her mouth agape. Slowly she began to speak, “I never knew…Maria, you realize that you are amazing.”
I couldn’t hide my bewilderment. “What do you mean?”
“You went through all of that and yet you are so…normal. I’m surprised you aren’t angrier.”
“I am angry. I am furious but the energy that it takes to show those emotions…I suppose I figure that they don’t deserve it,” I stared back into my cold latte, “Desmond Tutu said that forgiveness is about getting your own life back. For a long time I couldn’t even forgive myself for what happened. I felt that if I let myself off the hook that it would mean that I didn’t have a hand in what happened. I know that John is miserable and hurt and that I did that. I set the actions into motion. I know that but I also know if I don’t let myself be forgiven then I will never receive it.”
“What about the future? Do you think you and John will ever work it out?”
“Sarah, I don’t even know how to begin to ask myself that question. The disappointment and regret weigh down on me too much at times. Some days there isn’t enough liquor to make it disappear but other days I can find solace in the simple things. Sometimes when I sit on the hillside and smoke a cigarette, I can make myself believe that I am happier now. I can forget that I once had everything.”
“How do you find the energy to date other people, like Christopher, how did you get the courage to open yourself up?”
I laugh ruefully, “well I took a chance and when it fell apart there was a certain joy to it.”
She is looking at me perplexed as to how I could find such happiness in a breakup.
“You see, for once, it wasn’t my fault. It ended because he was the screwed up one, not me, and for that- I am thankful.”
Her laugh is hearty and exactly what is needed after our serious conversation. “I take back what I said about you being normal” she retorts with another laugh.
“Why do I hang out with you again?” I playfully shake my head, “Let’s get back to the dorms before you make me spill my heart out again.”
Sunday, June 10
Chapter 4
You are just another thing I’ve yet to fathom
A rush of wind met me outside the church’s heavy doors. I found the campus’ infinite emptiness fitting for my present mood. “God is not insecure…” I always wondered why people talked about God as if he were human. It seemed to me that his mightiness could be better expressed than through broad generalities on the human condition. What the preacher and every misguided soul-saver I had met as of late misunderstood was that I was not an innocent non-believer. I was not a random soul that hadn’t heard of Christ, and could therefore be saved by their simple proclamations. I had been to the bible classes, and I had sat in the seminars on theology. I knew what there was to be offered by believing the omnipotent, omnipresent creature of God. They were literally preaching to the choir and all it did was push me farther away. I know that much of this began with John and I am wondering how it will end. He had said that I believed in him like I believed in God; I suppose one heresy deserves another.
I look up to see a couple of chavs walking my way. I slowly walk to the other side of the street to avoid the ruffians, and I am suddenly aware that I am a single female walking alone at night. I take out my phone to send off a quick text when I notice I have one waiting for me. Quickly, I scan the name and message, to my surprise it’s from Christopher and he wants to know if I want to get a pizza with him tomorrow. I start to place the phone back in my pocket, not ready to decide what I want; instead, I call Sarah and agree to meet her for a coffee at the campus coffee shop. I’m in the mood for conversation of a particular nature and she is the only one I know I can have it with. I still haven’t told her the entire story of me and John’s falling apart. She has asked me for the tale repeatedly but there are still a number of particulars that I cannot quite accept myself. The chavs have passed and I am alone again with my thoughts. The quiet streets surround me like a comforting blanket. I quickly lit up a cigarette and stop to gaze at the stars. Their presence reminds me of my desire to believe in something bigger than my life. I want to believe in God, love, people, and fate. I want to believe in all the things that they tell you to believe in when you are a child. I simply do not have the energy tonight to begin my quest back home, but there’s no work in the walking, so I set my stride towards the coffee house. I spot Sarah as I walk up to the Venue, she is clutching her jacket and I am reminded that the night is freezing. I had been too engrossed in my thoughts to ponder the weather and my lack of proper attire.
“You must be freezing!” She has spotted me and my light sweater/jean combo.
“I’m a’right, let’s get some coffee and I’ll be better.”
“I suppose your date didn’t go so well…” Again, she has reminded me of the obvious.
“Oh yeah, he was…under a false impression.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you are not allowed to pawn me off on guys from the club anymore because you have a boyfriend and want to live through me. I am giving up men.”
“Are you going to become a lesbian now?” She remarks with a smirk, she already knows my response.
“You know I would love to date you except for the whole sex thing.”
“We are slaves to the men and the problem is that we will never understand them.” She states as if it had been memorized from a Dr. Phil show.
“Oh, I understand men perfectly, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.” We laugh and know that we are both thinking of Christopher. I have always understood him, there has never been a moment when he was not completely himself and therefore completely predictable but with that knowledge came the realization that he would never change.
“He didn’t deserve you.” I glance at her to see that she has been watching me intently.
“Why do women always say that to each other?”
“Because it’s always true. Come on, I’ll buy you a soy latte and make you feel better.”
We settle down with our coffees at one of the nearby tables. I have always loved to watch the characters the campus coffee shop; the various students: mostly foreigners and occasional misguided brit.
“I was thinking about John again tonight. I can’t get it all out of my head. Sometimes I sit and wonder how it was that I was the one worth leaving.” I am staring deeply into my coffee as if it contains to the answer to my troubling thoughts.
“Maria, there’s always someone being left and another leaving. That’s the nature of life. You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that happened two years ago. I don’t know what happened exactly but it can’t be as bad as you have been making yourself feel about it.” The misguided brit coughs nearby and the humanity seems to be all too pressing tonight. I can’t help it when the words tumble out: “Sarah, it was.”
You are just another thing I’ve yet to fathom
A rush of wind met me outside the church’s heavy doors. I found the campus’ infinite emptiness fitting for my present mood. “God is not insecure…” I always wondered why people talked about God as if he were human. It seemed to me that his mightiness could be better expressed than through broad generalities on the human condition. What the preacher and every misguided soul-saver I had met as of late misunderstood was that I was not an innocent non-believer. I was not a random soul that hadn’t heard of Christ, and could therefore be saved by their simple proclamations. I had been to the bible classes, and I had sat in the seminars on theology. I knew what there was to be offered by believing the omnipotent, omnipresent creature of God. They were literally preaching to the choir and all it did was push me farther away. I know that much of this began with John and I am wondering how it will end. He had said that I believed in him like I believed in God; I suppose one heresy deserves another.
I look up to see a couple of chavs walking my way. I slowly walk to the other side of the street to avoid the ruffians, and I am suddenly aware that I am a single female walking alone at night. I take out my phone to send off a quick text when I notice I have one waiting for me. Quickly, I scan the name and message, to my surprise it’s from Christopher and he wants to know if I want to get a pizza with him tomorrow. I start to place the phone back in my pocket, not ready to decide what I want; instead, I call Sarah and agree to meet her for a coffee at the campus coffee shop. I’m in the mood for conversation of a particular nature and she is the only one I know I can have it with. I still haven’t told her the entire story of me and John’s falling apart. She has asked me for the tale repeatedly but there are still a number of particulars that I cannot quite accept myself. The chavs have passed and I am alone again with my thoughts. The quiet streets surround me like a comforting blanket. I quickly lit up a cigarette and stop to gaze at the stars. Their presence reminds me of my desire to believe in something bigger than my life. I want to believe in God, love, people, and fate. I want to believe in all the things that they tell you to believe in when you are a child. I simply do not have the energy tonight to begin my quest back home, but there’s no work in the walking, so I set my stride towards the coffee house. I spot Sarah as I walk up to the Venue, she is clutching her jacket and I am reminded that the night is freezing. I had been too engrossed in my thoughts to ponder the weather and my lack of proper attire.
“You must be freezing!” She has spotted me and my light sweater/jean combo.
“I’m a’right, let’s get some coffee and I’ll be better.”
“I suppose your date didn’t go so well…” Again, she has reminded me of the obvious.
“Oh yeah, he was…under a false impression.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you are not allowed to pawn me off on guys from the club anymore because you have a boyfriend and want to live through me. I am giving up men.”
“Are you going to become a lesbian now?” She remarks with a smirk, she already knows my response.
“You know I would love to date you except for the whole sex thing.”
“We are slaves to the men and the problem is that we will never understand them.” She states as if it had been memorized from a Dr. Phil show.
“Oh, I understand men perfectly, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.” We laugh and know that we are both thinking of Christopher. I have always understood him, there has never been a moment when he was not completely himself and therefore completely predictable but with that knowledge came the realization that he would never change.
“He didn’t deserve you.” I glance at her to see that she has been watching me intently.
“Why do women always say that to each other?”
“Because it’s always true. Come on, I’ll buy you a soy latte and make you feel better.”
We settle down with our coffees at one of the nearby tables. I have always loved to watch the characters the campus coffee shop; the various students: mostly foreigners and occasional misguided brit.
“I was thinking about John again tonight. I can’t get it all out of my head. Sometimes I sit and wonder how it was that I was the one worth leaving.” I am staring deeply into my coffee as if it contains to the answer to my troubling thoughts.
“Maria, there’s always someone being left and another leaving. That’s the nature of life. You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that happened two years ago. I don’t know what happened exactly but it can’t be as bad as you have been making yourself feel about it.” The misguided brit coughs nearby and the humanity seems to be all too pressing tonight. I can’t help it when the words tumble out: “Sarah, it was.”
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