Chapter 4
You are just another thing I’ve yet to fathom

A rush of wind met me outside the church’s heavy doors. I found the campus’ infinite emptiness fitting for my present mood. “God is not insecure…” I always wondered why people talked about God as if he were human. It seemed to me that his mightiness could be better expressed than through broad generalities on the human condition. What the preacher and every misguided soul-saver I had met as of late misunderstood was that I was not an innocent non-believer. I was not a random soul that hadn’t heard of Christ, and could therefore be saved by their simple proclamations. I had been to the bible classes, and I had sat in the seminars on theology. I knew what there was to be offered by believing the omnipotent, omnipresent creature of God. They were literally preaching to the choir and all it did was push me farther away. I know that much of this began with John and I am wondering how it will end. He had said that I believed in him like I believed in God; I suppose one heresy deserves another.

I look up to see a couple of chavs walking my way. I slowly walk to the other side of the street to avoid the ruffians, and I am suddenly aware that I am a single female walking alone at night. I take out my phone to send off a quick text when I notice I have one waiting for me. Quickly, I scan the name and message, to my surprise it’s from Christopher and he wants to know if I want to get a pizza with him tomorrow. I start to place the phone back in my pocket, not ready to decide what I want; instead, I call Sarah and agree to meet her for a coffee at the campus coffee shop. I’m in the mood for conversation of a particular nature and she is the only one I know I can have it with. I still haven’t told her the entire story of me and John’s falling apart. She has asked me for the tale repeatedly but there are still a number of particulars that I cannot quite accept myself. The chavs have passed and I am alone again with my thoughts. The quiet streets surround me like a comforting blanket. I quickly lit up a cigarette and stop to gaze at the stars. Their presence reminds me of my desire to believe in something bigger than my life. I want to believe in God, love, people, and fate. I want to believe in all the things that they tell you to believe in when you are a child. I simply do not have the energy tonight to begin my quest back home, but there’s no work in the walking, so I set my stride towards the coffee house. I spot Sarah as I walk up to the Venue, she is clutching her jacket and I am reminded that the night is freezing. I had been too engrossed in my thoughts to ponder the weather and my lack of proper attire.
“You must be freezing!” She has spotted me and my light sweater/jean combo.
“I’m a’right, let’s get some coffee and I’ll be better.”
“I suppose your date didn’t go so well…” Again, she has reminded me of the obvious.
“Oh yeah, he was…under a false impression.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you are not allowed to pawn me off on guys from the club anymore because you have a boyfriend and want to live through me. I am giving up men.”
“Are you going to become a lesbian now?” She remarks with a smirk, she already knows my response.
“You know I would love to date you except for the whole sex thing.”
“We are slaves to the men and the problem is that we will never understand them.” She states as if it had been memorized from a Dr. Phil show.
“Oh, I understand men perfectly, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.” We laugh and know that we are both thinking of Christopher. I have always understood him, there has never been a moment when he was not completely himself and therefore completely predictable but with that knowledge came the realization that he would never change.
“He didn’t deserve you.” I glance at her to see that she has been watching me intently.
“Why do women always say that to each other?”
“Because it’s always true. Come on, I’ll buy you a soy latte and make you feel better.”
We settle down with our coffees at one of the nearby tables. I have always loved to watch the characters the campus coffee shop; the various students: mostly foreigners and occasional misguided brit.
“I was thinking about John again tonight. I can’t get it all out of my head. Sometimes I sit and wonder how it was that I was the one worth leaving.” I am staring deeply into my coffee as if it contains to the answer to my troubling thoughts.
“Maria, there’s always someone being left and another leaving. That’s the nature of life. You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that happened two years ago. I don’t know what happened exactly but it can’t be as bad as you have been making yourself feel about it.” The misguided brit coughs nearby and the humanity seems to be all too pressing tonight. I can’t help it when the words tumble out: “Sarah, it was.”