Everyone is complicated. I remind myself of this whenever I feel torn and confused between my conflicting identities. On one hand, I love people. Just the other day I was invited to a party where I only barely knew the person who invited me but no one else. It was my last weekend in college station so I decided to throw caution to the wind and go to the party. I ended up staying there till 5am and becoming good friends with a couple of people. In fact, the next night we all watched a movie together and stayed up all night again. In this situation, and many others, I appear to have nerves of steel. I really like meeting new people, it's like an adrenaline rush. I am a communication major and have no qualms talking in front of my class. I recently took argumentation and debate and made an A without breaking a sweat.
But on the other hand there's an extremely private and vulnerable side to me that makes it so hard for me to move past good friends to intimate companions. My truly close friends I could count on one hand. Ask my old roommate, I'm a hard nut to crack. Whenever I finally let someone into my confidence I will hold on to their friendship like my own life. There's Suzie the wonderful eccentric that I have known for four years. We have always lived a good distance apart but we always visit one another once a year. We can go for months without talking and when we start again it's like we never stopped. I can write her a few lines and she always knows exactly what I mean. Then there's Melissa my old roommate. I found her name in an ad, we met once and decided to be roommates. She first met me at a very trying time in my life but soon we became closer than I could ever imagine. We could stay up all night swapping stories of love and heartbreak. Next comes Josh, my ex-boyfriend. We dated for two years and were friends a year before that. We don't talk a whole lot but I see our connection in the fact that we have both changed so much since we broke up yet we seem to still have so much in common. Though we are both growing it seems to be in the same direction. I'm so eccentric sometimes that I find it hard to find someone else who can be so much like me. We shared a lot of passions (art, nature, music) and a passion for each other.
This private side of me is the one that after I conquer a crowd, meeting everyone there, I am forced to retreat into myself and refuse to let others past the usual details of my life. You always hear about actors growing up in difficult homes. Acting to them becomes a chance to be whoever they want to be. I guess this is why I love meeting new people, they don't know the real me and I can pick and choose who I want to be to them. This is why my insides twist when I am being asked a lot of questions, the control is out of my hands. I am always ready to defend myself. At the slightest hint of rejection I curl inside myself and refuse to come out, this is something Mike is still learning. Speaking of him, I don't want it to sound we don't have a wonderful relationship. We laugh at everything, even when we are fighting it always ends up in a joke some way. This same joking is the thing that keeps us from getting too close. I can predict Michael but I can't tell you the way he thinks. We haven't been able to share that side of ourselves.
so what prompted this entry? I don't even know. I wanted to say something about how hard it is to wait for rejection when I'm pretty sure it is coming. Which is hard for anyone I think. Somewhere I got turned around to talking about my insecurities. This is why I love this blog so much. It fulfills my exhibitionist desire to shed my insecurities. Also, I don't know you, the reader, so I can show you who I really am. I'm just a girl trying to figure everything out, becoming more confused each day.