When all you got is hurt

I have seen:

A man walk aimless around an airport, holding a bouquet of mother’s day flowers for his long lost son, later, crying himself to sleep because his son never showed,

A friend ashamed, explaining that her mother is lost again in some bar on the main strip, lying next to me because she couldn’t stay at home,

A mother walk slowly through a church, as everyone stares, knowing that her son was just convicted of murder,

A girl afraid to spend the night alone because it is the anniversary of her rape, an act that stole her dignity and hope,

A young man cry, knowing his love is leaving and when she returns it will never be the same; trying to hold back tears behind his sunglass,

A father afraid of his daughter and the woman she has become, knowing he can never teach her all the things he hopes and prays for,

A woman consumed by her own restlessness, a constant need for change and the disappointment that follows; looking back at me in the mirror.



When was the last time I held you all through the night?
Never a worry would run through my heart like a knife.
Feels like a zillion years and I don't want to wait more.
To find you, is to lose you.
What is that for?
One more night and I might never know who you are;
tell me.

To someone who still reads this and maybe some others who don't....You are just another thing I've yet to fathom


"if you're going to talk about the things I need
then you're going to have to find out what they are
you remind me of a time when i was boring

i wash my hands of you...I have been asking myself "when am I going to learn?"

I never held you, you never hold me
it's happening all over again
I try to tempt you, you say i'm diluted
when will this foolishness cease?

every time I see you I start choking, I prefer to keep my eyes wide open...
patience is a virtue when you're near me
i wash my hands of you...I've been asking myself "when am I going to learn?"

i know you'll be fine now that you're not mine

i never held you, you never hold me.
it's happening all over again...
i tempted to slay you with old fashioned manners
but patience was never my thing
i said you were special, you know that I meant it
if you carry on like that you'll never make it, if you carry on like me you'll never make it. "


An english song for an english memory...

Bud Light presents real men of genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy. Men from lesser states may know their state’s capital but you, you know your states bird, tree, and even reptile (love that horny toad). You display your pride with your lone star tattoo, native Texan bumper sticker, and contempt for any state that doesn’t start with Tex and end with as. (That spells Texas). Sure, there are 49 other states in the union, but they are smaller, wussier, and the people talk funny (Yankee wussy). So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh lover of the lone star state, cause all that flag waving must have made you mighty thirsty.

I'm getting excited about life. I went to see the Law School Advisor and now I'm so excited about my future. I really hope to move to New York soon and go to Law School. That would be my dream. I don't know what I'm going to do next year but I am hoping to either get a job in Europe or in New York; work on life before I go to Law School. But I'm in a really good place right now. I've gotten used to being by myself and I am starting to really enjoy it. I like being able to go wherever I want and the total freedom to choose what path my life will take next year. So yeah, I'm excited, about life. And it's beautiful.

That alright with You?

"Leave me out with the waste,
this is not what I do.
this is the wrong kind of place
to be cheating on you.
it's the wrong time,
she's pulling me through
it's a small crime and
I've got no excuse.
Is that alright?"

There are certain times of self-loathing. I have done things that I can never be proud of and will never try to justify. One of these things is cheating. I have cheated and I know that it was selfish and reprehensible but I find myself understanding other cheaters. Let me clarify, I have never had an affair. I have never had two relationships at one time. When I cheated, I told the person as soon as I could and ultimately we did break up. So, I find myself understanding those who were in a moment of weakness because through their selfishness and self-destruction they hurt someone else in a way that can never be mended. I understand that. The people I don't understand are those who cause people to cheat. In my paticular instance, I was a prize to be won. The guy even told me so. He knew I had a boyfriend and that we were long distance so he set out to "win me" away. But the fact was that he wasn't winning me because he thought he would be better with me but because he wanted a challenge. See, as soon as a hunter catches his prey the game is over and he loses interest. I figured this out a little late and after I broke up with him I was left alone. This experience fueled my utter disgust for people who would do this; set out to ruin another's happiness.
Then life experience hit me again. It was towards the end of the year in England and I had been single for a while. One of my good friends was not. Sure his relationship was a dead end (he was dating an English girl) but they were still dating, which made the kiss we shared that night wrong. Sure we were both quite tipsy and everyone thought we would make a better couple then him and his girlfriend but I immediately felt the self-loathing begin. I was one of those. I had caused him to cheat and I didn't know how to reconcile it within myself. The next night we went out again, this time his girlfriend was in tow.
I don't think I looked her in the eye the whole night.
Maybe she knew something, she probably didn't. We had never been more than acquaintances with various mutual friends but the guilt layed too heavily on me. I thought back to my previous experience and the one who had only pursued me as part of his game, how could he have slept at night when a simple kiss was wrenching my heart out? I remember once while we were dating he told me he didn't know if he could respect me, considering the situation surrounding our relationship.
I nearly laughed out loud.
Maybe one day I will find myself understanding him too. I understand cheaters but I still would never tolerate it. Shortly after my own experience my very good friend was cheated on. She asked me what to do and I told her to break up with him. She asked me how I could think that given my experience. I told her that it was simple; he is regrettful and he is very very sorry for what he did but cheating is only a sympton of a bigger disease. We had a moment of selfishness but it was because, when it comes down to it, we didn't love the other person more than ourselves. As a cheater, I know that it is not an inherent flaw in my being but born out of a flaw in my relationship. I know that when I find the right person I will love them more than myself and never hurt them.

"I gave me away.
I could have knocked off the evening,
but I was lonelily looking
for someone to hold.
In a way, I lost all I believed in
and I never found myself
so alone."


*Endnotes: My friend and her boyfriend did end up breaking up and she is very happy now. When I reference cheaters I am NOT talking about adulterers or those who cheat multiple times. I am referencing those who find themselves in a moment of weakness and make a mistake. Also, I was cheated on this summer and well..to prove the old cliche true, I know how it feels to walk in my ex's shoes and have even more of a resolve to never ever hurt someone like that again.
The lyrics are from Damien Rice. The first set is from his new song 9 Crimes and the second is from Lonelily.

Self-Pity (too ugly for me)

Am I supposed to
what you have chosen to be?
understand your pain and fear
I say I do and yet,
there's a sadness to your voice
that rings hollow to me.
Months and years
and I just turn away.
You ask for me to believe,
but I simply can't see.
Want to hear my story?
Scarred, abused, scorned
used, discarded, burned.
And you're supposed to be
the one with all the pain?
Forgive me for looking away;
your weakness is too ugly,
too ugly for me.