That alright with You?

"Leave me out with the waste,
this is not what I do.
this is the wrong kind of place
to be cheating on you.
it's the wrong time,
she's pulling me through
it's a small crime and
I've got no excuse.
Is that alright?"

There are certain times of self-loathing. I have done things that I can never be proud of and will never try to justify. One of these things is cheating. I have cheated and I know that it was selfish and reprehensible but I find myself understanding other cheaters. Let me clarify, I have never had an affair. I have never had two relationships at one time. When I cheated, I told the person as soon as I could and ultimately we did break up. So, I find myself understanding those who were in a moment of weakness because through their selfishness and self-destruction they hurt someone else in a way that can never be mended. I understand that. The people I don't understand are those who cause people to cheat. In my paticular instance, I was a prize to be won. The guy even told me so. He knew I had a boyfriend and that we were long distance so he set out to "win me" away. But the fact was that he wasn't winning me because he thought he would be better with me but because he wanted a challenge. See, as soon as a hunter catches his prey the game is over and he loses interest. I figured this out a little late and after I broke up with him I was left alone. This experience fueled my utter disgust for people who would do this; set out to ruin another's happiness.
Then life experience hit me again. It was towards the end of the year in England and I had been single for a while. One of my good friends was not. Sure his relationship was a dead end (he was dating an English girl) but they were still dating, which made the kiss we shared that night wrong. Sure we were both quite tipsy and everyone thought we would make a better couple then him and his girlfriend but I immediately felt the self-loathing begin. I was one of those. I had caused him to cheat and I didn't know how to reconcile it within myself. The next night we went out again, this time his girlfriend was in tow.
I don't think I looked her in the eye the whole night.
Maybe she knew something, she probably didn't. We had never been more than acquaintances with various mutual friends but the guilt layed too heavily on me. I thought back to my previous experience and the one who had only pursued me as part of his game, how could he have slept at night when a simple kiss was wrenching my heart out? I remember once while we were dating he told me he didn't know if he could respect me, considering the situation surrounding our relationship.
I nearly laughed out loud.
Maybe one day I will find myself understanding him too. I understand cheaters but I still would never tolerate it. Shortly after my own experience my very good friend was cheated on. She asked me what to do and I told her to break up with him. She asked me how I could think that given my experience. I told her that it was simple; he is regrettful and he is very very sorry for what he did but cheating is only a sympton of a bigger disease. We had a moment of selfishness but it was because, when it comes down to it, we didn't love the other person more than ourselves. As a cheater, I know that it is not an inherent flaw in my being but born out of a flaw in my relationship. I know that when I find the right person I will love them more than myself and never hurt them.

"I gave me away.
I could have knocked off the evening,
but I was lonelily looking
for someone to hold.
In a way, I lost all I believed in
and I never found myself
so alone."


*Endnotes: My friend and her boyfriend did end up breaking up and she is very happy now. When I reference cheaters I am NOT talking about adulterers or those who cheat multiple times. I am referencing those who find themselves in a moment of weakness and make a mistake. Also, I was cheated on this summer and well..to prove the old cliche true, I know how it feels to walk in my ex's shoes and have even more of a resolve to never ever hurt someone like that again.
The lyrics are from Damien Rice. The first set is from his new song 9 Crimes and the second is from Lonelily.