Chapter 1
Leaves Leaving Me
November 2006
The autumn leaves are leaving me. I watch as they drop outside of my window, their slow descent reminding me of my last fall. “That’s my biggest fear”, she says out of the blue. I hear her words echo off my dorm-room walls but I can’t comprehend. I force my eyes away from the falling beauty and turn to her. “
Never finding love…that’s my biggest fear”, she repeats to me slowly. My mind is still wrapped around the maple tree, yet I’m starting to register her words. “Why?” I am confused about the origin and the intent behind her comment.
“Why would that be your biggest fear?”
“It’s not yours? You have never thought about it, about being alone for the rest of your life?” Her eyes are searching my calm expression for a hint of her desperation. “No…I mean, I’ve never really thought about it I suppose.”
I know she is disappointed in my answer but I don’t know what else to say, so I turn back to the leaves. Sarah doesn’t understand where my real fear lies. I am not afraid of living without love, I am afraid of a love I can’t live without. I glance back at my friend to see that she’s perusing a bridal magazine; this must be the source of her angst. All the smiling brides make me want to lose my lunch.
“I am going for a walk.”
I grab my coat and walk quickly out the door before she can respond. There’s always been something special about autumn to me; the brisk wind hits my cheeks, reminding me that winter is near. It was fitting to choose autumn as the perfect time to change my life. The winter had come soon after, and though it had been the hardest I had ever known, the rebirth was worth the death. I reached into my pocket to pull out my pack of ciggies. I had taken up a number of sins to cover the one I couldn’t forget.
My feet beat out the sounds of my thoughts as I walk briskly to the forest, remembering that lonely spring evening I had stood outside of John’s house. I remember the rain and the feel of the cold, paisley fabric as it clung to my shivering body. He had told me that night, “I couldn’t complete you.” I was shocked; scared at the implications of his words but now I realize how true they were. I had been a lost girl when I fell in love, and a woman searching for her independence when I jumped out. There’s a stain on November 17th that will never go away, and the way it all began…
I was sitting in traffic, waiting for the turn light on University Blvd. I was sitting patiently behind this woman in a Volkswagen when I quickly noticed her montage of bumper stickers and absentmindedly began reading them. “I love someone with Autism.” “American’s united for the fight against Autism.”…the signs read on and on. My eyes drifted back to the front of the vehicle and the woman behind the steering wheel, and then it struck me: this woman has a purpose. This woman is defined. Her pain was her power and I felt like a weak child staring in awe. My life had been a serious of incompletes, without purpose or drive. I knew then that I need a break, and who it would have to be from.
Monday, February 19
Tuesday, February 6
The Indisputable Truth
Prologue- March 2005
“What was love supposed to be like?” She yells out to me through the rain. Her dress is soaked through and I immediately know she has been standing out here for hours. I stare at the shivering face of my fallen angel Maria. I haven’t seen her since the fall. The red and golden leaves drifted down to her as she descended with each lie. Maria, the girl that gave her heart to me at fifteen and took it back at twenty. I had the sudden urge to give her warmth. I opened my mouth to ask if she wanted to come in but my words were lost.
“What was love supposed to be like?” Her face pleaded with me for an answer.
“What were you waiting for?”
“Did you expect us to be perfect?”
“Were you waiting for me to be perfect?” Her questions are coming too fast and my mind can’t comprehend their meaning. Maria, oh Maria, you tasted like summer and always stopped to dance in the rain. I thought having her in my life made everyday mean something. I wish I could hold her again but then I remember…
“I couldn’t complete you”, the words tumble out of my mouth before I realize their consequence. Her face looks stung, her green eyes opened wide at the realization of my words. “I couldn’t complete you,” I continue because I have to tell her everything now, “You were beautiful, enchanting. You gave yourself to me in ways I never knew I needed but I couldn’t be enough for you. I wanted to fix you, I wanted my love to be enough but it never was…
“When you talked about us, you spoke of our love like it was an indisputable truth. You believed in me as much as you believed in God. I wasn’t waiting for us to be perfect, and I didn’t need you to be perfect. All I wanted was for you to stop thinking I was perfect. I was your savior and you…you were my downfall…
”Her hollowed frame turns from me slowly and I know I have broken her spirit once again. I watch as she walks back to her car, and slowly her taillights fade into the night. I turn to go inside my apartment, still in shock from the night’s events. I know I won’t sleep tonight but I suddenly feel exhausted. I sit down in my room to write this all down but the words won’t come. I find my drawing pens to express myself in my notebook but I can’t see the lines. I get up to fix myself some dinner but nothing seems to satisfy this hole that is left in the pit of my stomach.
Almost two years have past and I still can’t shake her from my memory. I am angry that she had the audacity to show herself here, but I’m also heartbroken over her determination. Where was it when we needed it the most? I stare at my empty house and know that I am a broken man. I feel as though something stopped that November and no matter how hard I try, I can’t move forward. I wake up every morning to relieve November 18th, the day after she told me what she had done. I wake up in between a memory and a dream of her dancing on the sea shore, her red dress floating in the wind, carrying my worries along with it. I remember her laughing and her green eyes sparkling as she said to me, “you are everything to me”. Her love for me was like an indisputable truth and I was only starting to believe.
Prologue- March 2005
“What was love supposed to be like?” She yells out to me through the rain. Her dress is soaked through and I immediately know she has been standing out here for hours. I stare at the shivering face of my fallen angel Maria. I haven’t seen her since the fall. The red and golden leaves drifted down to her as she descended with each lie. Maria, the girl that gave her heart to me at fifteen and took it back at twenty. I had the sudden urge to give her warmth. I opened my mouth to ask if she wanted to come in but my words were lost.
“What was love supposed to be like?” Her face pleaded with me for an answer.
“What were you waiting for?”
“Did you expect us to be perfect?”
“Were you waiting for me to be perfect?” Her questions are coming too fast and my mind can’t comprehend their meaning. Maria, oh Maria, you tasted like summer and always stopped to dance in the rain. I thought having her in my life made everyday mean something. I wish I could hold her again but then I remember…
“I couldn’t complete you”, the words tumble out of my mouth before I realize their consequence. Her face looks stung, her green eyes opened wide at the realization of my words. “I couldn’t complete you,” I continue because I have to tell her everything now, “You were beautiful, enchanting. You gave yourself to me in ways I never knew I needed but I couldn’t be enough for you. I wanted to fix you, I wanted my love to be enough but it never was…
“When you talked about us, you spoke of our love like it was an indisputable truth. You believed in me as much as you believed in God. I wasn’t waiting for us to be perfect, and I didn’t need you to be perfect. All I wanted was for you to stop thinking I was perfect. I was your savior and you…you were my downfall…
”Her hollowed frame turns from me slowly and I know I have broken her spirit once again. I watch as she walks back to her car, and slowly her taillights fade into the night. I turn to go inside my apartment, still in shock from the night’s events. I know I won’t sleep tonight but I suddenly feel exhausted. I sit down in my room to write this all down but the words won’t come. I find my drawing pens to express myself in my notebook but I can’t see the lines. I get up to fix myself some dinner but nothing seems to satisfy this hole that is left in the pit of my stomach.
Almost two years have past and I still can’t shake her from my memory. I am angry that she had the audacity to show herself here, but I’m also heartbroken over her determination. Where was it when we needed it the most? I stare at my empty house and know that I am a broken man. I feel as though something stopped that November and no matter how hard I try, I can’t move forward. I wake up every morning to relieve November 18th, the day after she told me what she had done. I wake up in between a memory and a dream of her dancing on the sea shore, her red dress floating in the wind, carrying my worries along with it. I remember her laughing and her green eyes sparkling as she said to me, “you are everything to me”. Her love for me was like an indisputable truth and I was only starting to believe.
Sunday, February 4
I would never again....the ending
She slept soundly next to me and I knew that her sleep was far easier than the questions that would occur upon her waking. I stared blankly out the window, watching the passing hills that had come to define my broken heart. I was leaving again and I wanted to scream. I wanted to say..
Fuck Leaving
Fuck Goodbyes
Anger is easier than sadness. She moved next to me, shifting to an unknown dream. I couldn't begin to explain what her presence meant to me. It had been a last minute revelation, that she would be travelling with me to the airport. I had been moved beyond words, never knowing this intimacy before. I had known love before with my family, strangers thrown together and commanded to love another. I had had lovers before, strangers who sleep together and therefore are commanded to love one another. This love was different. There was no give and take, just a state of being. A presence that did not require words. With no requests, all I could do was give.
Fuck Leaving
The train came to a slow stop and I softly bumped her shoulder. She awoke and I motioned with my eyes that it was time to go. It was I who led the way to the airport, having been through this station too many times. I had resolved to remain strong, the silence of our friendship helped. After we had found my flight and checked in my bags we went to eat breakfast. She had chosen a Burger King breakfast meal while I had bought a muffin and an extra water for her. She smiled gratefully and we settled back into our silence. It was these exchanges that others didn't understand. We would exchange small favors for each other without a word about paybacks or who had spent more on whom. I knew we both wanted to say something meaningful, but instead we discussed each others' schedules for the next week. I had wanted so much more for this moment, to have said or felt something that could be remembered forever. Instead I was left gazing at the airplanes coming in. Slowly, we began to watch the people around us, lives intermingling through a mixture of hellos and goodbyes.
Fuck Goodbyes
I knew it was getting late but we lingered longer at the table. I suppose we both believed that if we never moved towards the security gate I would never leave and this amazing experience would last forever. I was facing leaving a country where I had made my home for the past 9 months and yet...I could only sit there. Slowly we stood up and made our way to the gate. As we were walking, her eyes began to fill with tears. I was jealous over her ability to express all the emotions that were left alone in me. She reached into her bag and handed me a letter. I protested at first, embarassed that I had not thought of a similar token but she insisted that it was nothing. I took her gift and walked away. Once inside the safety of the airport lounge I opened her letter. She had copied down lyrics to our favorite songs and wrote about a friendship that would last forever.
I cried.
As my tears fell over my smile I knew; these were not the ones I had been waiting for. All the sadness I had been trying to express was lost in my overwhelming pride for our friendship. I looked up at the people around me, unconcerned about whether they had seen my reaction to her words. I wanted them to see that I had been given something that most people would never know, a true friendship. I wanted them to know that I would never again have to say goodbye.
She slept soundly next to me and I knew that her sleep was far easier than the questions that would occur upon her waking. I stared blankly out the window, watching the passing hills that had come to define my broken heart. I was leaving again and I wanted to scream. I wanted to say..
Fuck Leaving
Fuck Goodbyes
Anger is easier than sadness. She moved next to me, shifting to an unknown dream. I couldn't begin to explain what her presence meant to me. It had been a last minute revelation, that she would be travelling with me to the airport. I had been moved beyond words, never knowing this intimacy before. I had known love before with my family, strangers thrown together and commanded to love another. I had had lovers before, strangers who sleep together and therefore are commanded to love one another. This love was different. There was no give and take, just a state of being. A presence that did not require words. With no requests, all I could do was give.
Fuck Leaving
The train came to a slow stop and I softly bumped her shoulder. She awoke and I motioned with my eyes that it was time to go. It was I who led the way to the airport, having been through this station too many times. I had resolved to remain strong, the silence of our friendship helped. After we had found my flight and checked in my bags we went to eat breakfast. She had chosen a Burger King breakfast meal while I had bought a muffin and an extra water for her. She smiled gratefully and we settled back into our silence. It was these exchanges that others didn't understand. We would exchange small favors for each other without a word about paybacks or who had spent more on whom. I knew we both wanted to say something meaningful, but instead we discussed each others' schedules for the next week. I had wanted so much more for this moment, to have said or felt something that could be remembered forever. Instead I was left gazing at the airplanes coming in. Slowly, we began to watch the people around us, lives intermingling through a mixture of hellos and goodbyes.
Fuck Goodbyes
I knew it was getting late but we lingered longer at the table. I suppose we both believed that if we never moved towards the security gate I would never leave and this amazing experience would last forever. I was facing leaving a country where I had made my home for the past 9 months and yet...I could only sit there. Slowly we stood up and made our way to the gate. As we were walking, her eyes began to fill with tears. I was jealous over her ability to express all the emotions that were left alone in me. She reached into her bag and handed me a letter. I protested at first, embarassed that I had not thought of a similar token but she insisted that it was nothing. I took her gift and walked away. Once inside the safety of the airport lounge I opened her letter. She had copied down lyrics to our favorite songs and wrote about a friendship that would last forever.
I cried.
As my tears fell over my smile I knew; these were not the ones I had been waiting for. All the sadness I had been trying to express was lost in my overwhelming pride for our friendship. I looked up at the people around me, unconcerned about whether they had seen my reaction to her words. I wanted them to see that I had been given something that most people would never know, a true friendship. I wanted them to know that I would never again have to say goodbye.
Thursday, February 1
Other people's shit
"Don't Take Anything Personally. There is an awful lot of negative energy out there and some of it is directed at us by other people. If you take it personally and take on the poison of another's words, it becomes a very negative agreement you have with yourself. What anybody thinks about you, or says about you, is really about them. Not taking it personally allows you to be in relationship with anyone and not get trapped in their stuff."
yesterday I had someone send me something that was intended to be very hurtful to me. At the time, I did get angry but after I had had some time to reflect on the issue I realized that the situation wasn't about me. I have not done anything wrong here and if they choose to lash out because of their insecurities...then that's their own issue. I don't have to take on other people's problems because that's not my responsibility. I believe in the dignity of people. I don't believe in religion but I believe in a God because there is dignity to people. Some of us have lost our dignity. When we let fear and anger control our lives we lose our dignity. I respect myself and others, and that is where my dignity comes from...
Respect yourself and then maybe you'll learn to respect others.
"Don't Take Anything Personally. There is an awful lot of negative energy out there and some of it is directed at us by other people. If you take it personally and take on the poison of another's words, it becomes a very negative agreement you have with yourself. What anybody thinks about you, or says about you, is really about them. Not taking it personally allows you to be in relationship with anyone and not get trapped in their stuff."
yesterday I had someone send me something that was intended to be very hurtful to me. At the time, I did get angry but after I had had some time to reflect on the issue I realized that the situation wasn't about me. I have not done anything wrong here and if they choose to lash out because of their insecurities...then that's their own issue. I don't have to take on other people's problems because that's not my responsibility. I believe in the dignity of people. I don't believe in religion but I believe in a God because there is dignity to people. Some of us have lost our dignity. When we let fear and anger control our lives we lose our dignity. I respect myself and others, and that is where my dignity comes from...
Respect yourself and then maybe you'll learn to respect others.
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