Chapter 1
Leaves Leaving Me

November 2006

The autumn leaves are leaving me. I watch as they drop outside of my window, their slow descent reminding me of my last fall. “That’s my biggest fear”, she says out of the blue. I hear her words echo off my dorm-room walls but I can’t comprehend. I force my eyes away from the falling beauty and turn to her. “
Never finding love…that’s my biggest fear”, she repeats to me slowly. My mind is still wrapped around the maple tree, yet I’m starting to register her words. “Why?” I am confused about the origin and the intent behind her comment.
“Why would that be your biggest fear?”
“It’s not yours? You have never thought about it, about being alone for the rest of your life?” Her eyes are searching my calm expression for a hint of her desperation. “No…I mean, I’ve never really thought about it I suppose.”
I know she is disappointed in my answer but I don’t know what else to say, so I turn back to the leaves. Sarah doesn’t understand where my real fear lies. I am not afraid of living without love, I am afraid of a love I can’t live without. I glance back at my friend to see that she’s perusing a bridal magazine; this must be the source of her angst. All the smiling brides make me want to lose my lunch.
“I am going for a walk.”
I grab my coat and walk quickly out the door before she can respond. There’s always been something special about autumn to me; the brisk wind hits my cheeks, reminding me that winter is near. It was fitting to choose autumn as the perfect time to change my life. The winter had come soon after, and though it had been the hardest I had ever known, the rebirth was worth the death. I reached into my pocket to pull out my pack of ciggies. I had taken up a number of sins to cover the one I couldn’t forget.
My feet beat out the sounds of my thoughts as I walk briskly to the forest, remembering that lonely spring evening I had stood outside of John’s house. I remember the rain and the feel of the cold, paisley fabric as it clung to my shivering body. He had told me that night, “I couldn’t complete you.” I was shocked; scared at the implications of his words but now I realize how true they were. I had been a lost girl when I fell in love, and a woman searching for her independence when I jumped out. There’s a stain on November 17th that will never go away, and the way it all began…
I was sitting in traffic, waiting for the turn light on University Blvd. I was sitting patiently behind this woman in a Volkswagen when I quickly noticed her montage of bumper stickers and absentmindedly began reading them. “I love someone with Autism.” “American’s united for the fight against Autism.”…the signs read on and on. My eyes drifted back to the front of the vehicle and the woman behind the steering wheel, and then it struck me: this woman has a purpose. This woman is defined. Her pain was her power and I felt like a weak child staring in awe. My life had been a serious of incompletes, without purpose or drive. I knew then that I need a break, and who it would have to be from.