An Honest Book
I want to apologize to the Blog community for letting things get a little personal on here. I should have considered the consequences of participating in a 'Blog fight'. As I sat at dinner with my friend last night and related the story to her, I realized how ridiculous this all is. Writing a long diatribe to accuse me of wrongdoings is ridiculous and responding to it with folksy wisdom is even more foolish...
Hopefully I can stand in front of my friends as I am, without worrying about the misconceptions that come from the written word. It’s hard to remember that these Blogs are more than spoken words said in the heat of the moment; they are testaments to our feelings and thoughts that are open for everyone to analyze. Maintaining your dignity in the online community is just as important as and sometimes harder than in the real world. In our face-to-face conversations and interactions we are granted a certain level of leniency. I feel this is missing here.
So, again, I apologize.
Editor’s note: I used the title Self-Defense because of the experience I have had in the courtroom. Many people waive their right to an attorney when they believe they have nothing to hide- this is how I feel. I am and always have been an open book, maybe a little hard to read at times, but honest none the less.
Wednesday, August 29
Tuesday, August 28
Put Your Link into It
"All the while, the middle class sits around debating Gay Marriage, or whatever else is popular like it is going to affect the fate of the universe, completely forgetting that the have to scratch and claw for every single thing they have as the rich just breeze through life. The rich may have worked hard to get rich, but that does not allow them to force the bulk of America's taxes on the rest of us"
http://musingsfromatree.blogspot.com
"All the while, the middle class sits around debating Gay Marriage, or whatever else is popular like it is going to affect the fate of the universe, completely forgetting that the have to scratch and claw for every single thing they have as the rich just breeze through life. The rich may have worked hard to get rich, but that does not allow them to force the bulk of America's taxes on the rest of us"
http://musingsfromatree.blogspot.com
Monday, August 27
Self- Defense
When I was living in Lancaster, I dated a young British man named Richard (yeah I’m going to talk about an ex). After a couple of weeks he decided that he didn’t want to date me anymore. I listened to him calmly as we sat together on my dorm room bed. I cannot remember his argument exactly but it centered somewhere around the fact that I was leaving to go back home in a couple of months. After he had stated his case, I told him that I thought he was right and that we should break-up. He sat there confused. He had expected a protest, I assume, and my acquiescence had startled him into thinking that I didn’t really want to date him at all. You see- as I calmly stated to him- that was not the case. I believe that if there is a point where you think that you should break up with, or no longer date, a person and if you believe in this reason strongly enough to tell them about it, then you should, most definitely, end the relationship. Because, if there can be a doubt in your mind strong enough to start the dialogue of a breakup then it will assuredly lead to one whether immediately or many years down the road. My statements had the strange effect of changing his mind and making him realize that he didn’t want to break up with me at all.
Three weeks later we broke up.
The point is this- sometimes we don’t take our own advice. There have been many times when I have decided that I shouldn’t be dating someone for a particular reason but I continue because they (or me) talked me back into it.
Reasons don’t just go away.
They also don’t just appear and acting like they did is only lying to yourself.
*As I slept on my brother’s couch Saturday night, I thought of this story. Birthdays usually don’t have a mental effect, but, somehow, at 22 I can say, ‘things are changing’.
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
Lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes…
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way that everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
When I was living in Lancaster, I dated a young British man named Richard (yeah I’m going to talk about an ex). After a couple of weeks he decided that he didn’t want to date me anymore. I listened to him calmly as we sat together on my dorm room bed. I cannot remember his argument exactly but it centered somewhere around the fact that I was leaving to go back home in a couple of months. After he had stated his case, I told him that I thought he was right and that we should break-up. He sat there confused. He had expected a protest, I assume, and my acquiescence had startled him into thinking that I didn’t really want to date him at all. You see- as I calmly stated to him- that was not the case. I believe that if there is a point where you think that you should break up with, or no longer date, a person and if you believe in this reason strongly enough to tell them about it, then you should, most definitely, end the relationship. Because, if there can be a doubt in your mind strong enough to start the dialogue of a breakup then it will assuredly lead to one whether immediately or many years down the road. My statements had the strange effect of changing his mind and making him realize that he didn’t want to break up with me at all.
Three weeks later we broke up.
The point is this- sometimes we don’t take our own advice. There have been many times when I have decided that I shouldn’t be dating someone for a particular reason but I continue because they (or me) talked me back into it.
Reasons don’t just go away.
They also don’t just appear and acting like they did is only lying to yourself.
*As I slept on my brother’s couch Saturday night, I thought of this story. Birthdays usually don’t have a mental effect, but, somehow, at 22 I can say, ‘things are changing’.
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
Lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes…
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way that everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Thursday, August 23
You are My Favorite
Inspired by:
Padraig’s My Girl-
On those days that I admit to myself that I want a guy, I began to wonder what shape that fabled man might take. What color would his perfectly tinted eyes be? What shade of hair would I find between my fingers? What would we talk about as we laid on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon? I would want him to be a writer, or at least some type of artist, because, as my father once told me, only one artist can understand another. I’m mostly over the physical characteristics, though a dark brunette can still make me stop and stare. He would be successful, or at least driven, because there is still that part of me that can’t stand mediocrity. We would have a weekly date of wine and conversation. I would catch him watching me as I made cookies, with a tender look in his eyes and I would know that he loved me more than he could have ever imagined. He would let me put my feet on his while I am sleeping because they get cold at night. He would understand that sometimes I have to run away to know what I am coming back to; that there is a part of me that is restless and it has nothing to do with him at all. I would call him by a nickname that his mother had used for him as a child and he wouldn’t mind at all. If I told him that I loved him more he would respond “I know” and I would act hurt so that he would kiss me on the forehead. We would drive out to the country so we could sit on the hood of his car and listen to the lyrics of songs while we counted the stars. If we got lost, we would remember all the details and relate them in funny voices to friends who weren’t there. And every night, before we fell asleep, we would push the hair back from my eyes and say, “you are my favorite.”
Inspired by:
Padraig’s My Girl-
On those days that I admit to myself that I want a guy, I began to wonder what shape that fabled man might take. What color would his perfectly tinted eyes be? What shade of hair would I find between my fingers? What would we talk about as we laid on the couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon? I would want him to be a writer, or at least some type of artist, because, as my father once told me, only one artist can understand another. I’m mostly over the physical characteristics, though a dark brunette can still make me stop and stare. He would be successful, or at least driven, because there is still that part of me that can’t stand mediocrity. We would have a weekly date of wine and conversation. I would catch him watching me as I made cookies, with a tender look in his eyes and I would know that he loved me more than he could have ever imagined. He would let me put my feet on his while I am sleeping because they get cold at night. He would understand that sometimes I have to run away to know what I am coming back to; that there is a part of me that is restless and it has nothing to do with him at all. I would call him by a nickname that his mother had used for him as a child and he wouldn’t mind at all. If I told him that I loved him more he would respond “I know” and I would act hurt so that he would kiss me on the forehead. We would drive out to the country so we could sit on the hood of his car and listen to the lyrics of songs while we counted the stars. If we got lost, we would remember all the details and relate them in funny voices to friends who weren’t there. And every night, before we fell asleep, we would push the hair back from my eyes and say, “you are my favorite.”
Monday, August 20
Letters from the Other Side
The edges that had once defined a star so bright that she closed her eyes now cut her with their strength of character. Wounds that were left untreated grew greater until the poison and hurt were too much to begin to bear. She forced her pained eyes to open and to gaze at this star that had now become her enemy. A cool gaze met in reply that could watch for days but never understand the sight. The twins in black converse shoes and blonde ponytails that bobbed as they giggled at jokes made secret by the depth of their experiences. Could it ever be again? How does one break up with a best-friend?
The edges that had once defined a star so bright that she closed her eyes now cut her with their strength of character. Wounds that were left untreated grew greater until the poison and hurt were too much to begin to bear. She forced her pained eyes to open and to gaze at this star that had now become her enemy. A cool gaze met in reply that could watch for days but never understand the sight. The twins in black converse shoes and blonde ponytails that bobbed as they giggled at jokes made secret by the depth of their experiences. Could it ever be again? How does one break up with a best-friend?
Friday, August 17
Abortion, Welfare, Genocide, and everywhere in between
“These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.” --- Life of Pi
There has been a shift in our country. The people have moved away from the leaders and whether it is from distrust or displeasure, the evidence of this shift is blatant as we watch the circus that has become the Presidential Election. The contenders are numerous and have begun their fights earlier than many have ever seen. We are already looking to the future with such unabashed joy that people have chosen their favorites for president a full year before the election. All this is to say that there is a shift. The world has become smaller through technology and information has been made readily available to the public like never before. Our generation is educated on the world but with knowledge comes responsibility. This past weekend, I was with my mother and grandmother. I asked my grandmother if Americans knew about the Concentration Camps in WWII. She said they had heard rumors but no one knew the extent until the American soldiers opened the gates of the camps and saw for themselves the horrors of the Nazi regime. Fast forward to present day, me sitting on the couch and watching CNN. There is a genocide going on in Darfur and we are doing nothing about it. America- the land of the free and the defender of democracy- doesn’t give a crap that thousands of Africans are dying by the hands of their own government. Oh wait, actually we do give a crap. You see, good ol’ George has called this government out in meetings – while they sit in the back and laugh at his condemnations- but the problem is this: They have information on terrorists and somewhere along the line information about terrorists is more important than preventing genocide.
But that’s not where my rant ends- If you were worried that I would leave out the good faithful people of the Church, rest assured I have condemnation for them too. Where is the church on this? Why aren’t we doing something about it or at least praying about it? When I feel frustrated and lash out at the newspapers- something that happened yesterday morning- my aunt calmly says the only thing we can do is pray about it. Even more, the only thing we can hope for is a Christian President because he will know the right thing to do. Bullshit. A smart president will know the right thing to do. A president with good advisors will know the right thing to do. A president that cares more about the people than oil would know the right thing to do. Christians believe their purpose is to save souls, but what souls are there to save if people die? This reminds me of a dichotomy I should not bring up:
Abortion and Welfare.
Say it together.
Christian right- very much against abortion and welfare. Now, why, might you ask, would they want to save the babies of woman who can’t afford to have the babies in the first place? We shouldn’t give out free birth control because that contributes to promiscuity and we shouldn’t have abortion because they shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place and we shouldn’t support welfare because people shouldn’t be having kids they can’t afford….
I just gave myself a headache.
So, I can already see the comments on this one. I know I shouldn’t be looking at people; they aren’t perfect only Christ is, but when did that become a scapegoat to personal responsibility. When did the fact that a reincarnated divine being living a mystic existence in your soul allow you to be exempt from caring about people, or, even better, pretending to care. This is why my mother is one of the few devout I can bare to stand. She does care and she goes multiple times a year to places across the world or to her next door neighbor and proves that she cares.
All this to say that I think we need to act more. I don’t know how to begin but I think that if the Church wanted to do something to change the world they could begin by spending less time on evangelizing and spend more money on the needy.
There. Done.
“These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.” --- Life of Pi
There has been a shift in our country. The people have moved away from the leaders and whether it is from distrust or displeasure, the evidence of this shift is blatant as we watch the circus that has become the Presidential Election. The contenders are numerous and have begun their fights earlier than many have ever seen. We are already looking to the future with such unabashed joy that people have chosen their favorites for president a full year before the election. All this is to say that there is a shift. The world has become smaller through technology and information has been made readily available to the public like never before. Our generation is educated on the world but with knowledge comes responsibility. This past weekend, I was with my mother and grandmother. I asked my grandmother if Americans knew about the Concentration Camps in WWII. She said they had heard rumors but no one knew the extent until the American soldiers opened the gates of the camps and saw for themselves the horrors of the Nazi regime. Fast forward to present day, me sitting on the couch and watching CNN. There is a genocide going on in Darfur and we are doing nothing about it. America- the land of the free and the defender of democracy- doesn’t give a crap that thousands of Africans are dying by the hands of their own government. Oh wait, actually we do give a crap. You see, good ol’ George has called this government out in meetings – while they sit in the back and laugh at his condemnations- but the problem is this: They have information on terrorists and somewhere along the line information about terrorists is more important than preventing genocide.
But that’s not where my rant ends- If you were worried that I would leave out the good faithful people of the Church, rest assured I have condemnation for them too. Where is the church on this? Why aren’t we doing something about it or at least praying about it? When I feel frustrated and lash out at the newspapers- something that happened yesterday morning- my aunt calmly says the only thing we can do is pray about it. Even more, the only thing we can hope for is a Christian President because he will know the right thing to do. Bullshit. A smart president will know the right thing to do. A president with good advisors will know the right thing to do. A president that cares more about the people than oil would know the right thing to do. Christians believe their purpose is to save souls, but what souls are there to save if people die? This reminds me of a dichotomy I should not bring up:
Abortion and Welfare.
Say it together.
Christian right- very much against abortion and welfare. Now, why, might you ask, would they want to save the babies of woman who can’t afford to have the babies in the first place? We shouldn’t give out free birth control because that contributes to promiscuity and we shouldn’t have abortion because they shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place and we shouldn’t support welfare because people shouldn’t be having kids they can’t afford….
I just gave myself a headache.
So, I can already see the comments on this one. I know I shouldn’t be looking at people; they aren’t perfect only Christ is, but when did that become a scapegoat to personal responsibility. When did the fact that a reincarnated divine being living a mystic existence in your soul allow you to be exempt from caring about people, or, even better, pretending to care. This is why my mother is one of the few devout I can bare to stand. She does care and she goes multiple times a year to places across the world or to her next door neighbor and proves that she cares.
All this to say that I think we need to act more. I don’t know how to begin but I think that if the Church wanted to do something to change the world they could begin by spending less time on evangelizing and spend more money on the needy.
There. Done.
Thursday, August 16
Something Good......
"Obviously I believe the RCC is true. If I didn't, I wouldn't be Catholic. For me, it represents the fullness of Truth, insofar as we're able to perceive it in this life. Other people find their Truth with a capital "t" in other places. If my path is true for me, and yours is true for you, maybe we're seeing little pieces of something bigger than either of us. I like the fact that Catholic theology allows for this, and at the heart of the matter, salvation and who God decides to give that grace to is a complete gift and mystery. Asking a Catholic if they're saved will probably get you a puzzled look in response. The right answer is, "I don't know!" or "God only knows." There's no positive assurance, but there's hope in God's limitless mercy. This is stuff that keeps me coming back, Sunday after Sunday through all the bullcrap people like to sling at each other in the name of orthodoxy."
http://bigumuse.blogspot.com/2007/05/cfoyc-part-3-salvation-other-religions.html
"Obviously I believe the RCC is true. If I didn't, I wouldn't be Catholic. For me, it represents the fullness of Truth, insofar as we're able to perceive it in this life. Other people find their Truth with a capital "t" in other places. If my path is true for me, and yours is true for you, maybe we're seeing little pieces of something bigger than either of us. I like the fact that Catholic theology allows for this, and at the heart of the matter, salvation and who God decides to give that grace to is a complete gift and mystery. Asking a Catholic if they're saved will probably get you a puzzled look in response. The right answer is, "I don't know!" or "God only knows." There's no positive assurance, but there's hope in God's limitless mercy. This is stuff that keeps me coming back, Sunday after Sunday through all the bullcrap people like to sling at each other in the name of orthodoxy."
http://bigumuse.blogspot.com/2007/05/cfoyc-part-3-salvation-other-religions.html
Tuesday, August 14
In regards to France:
I feel as though I’m running full speed towards the edge, waiting for the moment when I sprout wings.
In regards to Home:
Like an outfit that doesn’t quite fit and isn’t your color, I feel out of place and, at times, blaringly so.
In regards to Love:
I don’t want another goodbye. I don’t know how to be genuine without being cliché and I don’t know how to hope without being naïve.
In regards to Family:
God, I miss them already. England showed me what I’ve got and now I’m realizing what exactly it is that I am leaving behind.
In regards to Friends:
I couldn’t be happier. I am closer to more people than I have been in my entire life and I love it.
In regards to Life:
My friend Keil said it best this weekend: “Things are amazing right now. In fact, they are so amazing it is making me nervous. I have never felt so good and I can’t help but wait to be brought back down to reality.”
I don’t have time to wait for the other shoe to drop. I am jumping in to the life I’ve been waiting for 21 years to live. I am happy and I am content, but most importantly- I have peace. I feel as though I'm traveling down the road of life; I don't have all the directions but I know I'm traveling in the right direction.
I feel as though I’m running full speed towards the edge, waiting for the moment when I sprout wings.
In regards to Home:
Like an outfit that doesn’t quite fit and isn’t your color, I feel out of place and, at times, blaringly so.
In regards to Love:
I don’t want another goodbye. I don’t know how to be genuine without being cliché and I don’t know how to hope without being naïve.
In regards to Family:
God, I miss them already. England showed me what I’ve got and now I’m realizing what exactly it is that I am leaving behind.
In regards to Friends:
I couldn’t be happier. I am closer to more people than I have been in my entire life and I love it.
In regards to Life:
My friend Keil said it best this weekend: “Things are amazing right now. In fact, they are so amazing it is making me nervous. I have never felt so good and I can’t help but wait to be brought back down to reality.”
I don’t have time to wait for the other shoe to drop. I am jumping in to the life I’ve been waiting for 21 years to live. I am happy and I am content, but most importantly- I have peace. I feel as though I'm traveling down the road of life; I don't have all the directions but I know I'm traveling in the right direction.
Saturday, August 11
Friday, August 10
Mon anniversaire
Seventeen and grubby knees outside the dorm room window on grass
That stained the dreams in adolescent heads and stars which burned
Closer than the sky had ever been with tiki torch lighting the way
Eighteen and pulling scabs on knees to feel the pains of growing
Heat with air pressing in tight watching you walk backwards
From a heart that bled all its years forever and a day today
Nineteen and hello, goodbye blink open eyes seeing it all
In front and behind the door and this girl then a woman
Wanting more but wondering what all they would say
Twenty and flying oceans dream in gingerbread castles
Filled with a bubbly word it drank on vodka and novelty
Live life watched only from distance a movie screen away
Twenty-one and crash American dreams create kaleidoscope
The twist and shape your colors bend the lights in my foresight
The perfect memory where ought and naught all that is left to say
Twenty-two and mirrored numbers meet to watch I fly ocean again
The balanced title that devises even days and nights ahead in perfect
Symmetry to whisper après moi a woman that needs not break or fray
Seventeen and grubby knees outside the dorm room window on grass
That stained the dreams in adolescent heads and stars which burned
Closer than the sky had ever been with tiki torch lighting the way
Eighteen and pulling scabs on knees to feel the pains of growing
Heat with air pressing in tight watching you walk backwards
From a heart that bled all its years forever and a day today
Nineteen and hello, goodbye blink open eyes seeing it all
In front and behind the door and this girl then a woman
Wanting more but wondering what all they would say
Twenty and flying oceans dream in gingerbread castles
Filled with a bubbly word it drank on vodka and novelty
Live life watched only from distance a movie screen away
Twenty-one and crash American dreams create kaleidoscope
The twist and shape your colors bend the lights in my foresight
The perfect memory where ought and naught all that is left to say
Twenty-two and mirrored numbers meet to watch I fly ocean again
The balanced title that devises even days and nights ahead in perfect
Symmetry to whisper après moi a woman that needs not break or fray
Thursday, August 9
So.......
I'm working on a new chapter but I've committed to writing on this blog at least every other day- which I haven't decided is good or bad for my writing- but, either way, I'm going to write something now, because, well, it's that time again kidos.
*that has to be one of the longest sentences ever recorded by man....in fact, I'm sure it is.
Stuff I've been thinking about lately ( because I'm sure you want to know )
1. Whether I should stay in Europe forever or come back and go to Law School. Though, Pat thinks I should stay in europe, and since I sometimes confuse his with the voice of God, I'm leaning that way.
2. I've been working out ALOT lately...that and studying my LSAT material. In fact, it reminds me of the days when I focused on school and health because I was ambitious and driven; instead of now when I just live in a REALLY boring town.
3. I Feel Fine by the Riddlin Kids has been on repeat in my car. I'm not sure why exactly but I think it has something to do with a previous conversatin where I said "I'm fine being single" and he responded "No, you're not."
Who says that?!?!
4. I took pictures of my car to put up on the internet and since have been looking at them whilst at work. I think, "Damn that's a nice car". But that is how much I love Europe, I'm willing to sell it...Maybe God will see my anguish and give me both?!?! Please Pretty Please.
5. If you're still reading this you eithr think I'm EXTREMELY neurotic or that it is really really boring to work at a law office. It's usually the former but today a bit of the latter.
I'm working on a new chapter but I've committed to writing on this blog at least every other day- which I haven't decided is good or bad for my writing- but, either way, I'm going to write something now, because, well, it's that time again kidos.
*that has to be one of the longest sentences ever recorded by man....in fact, I'm sure it is.
Stuff I've been thinking about lately ( because I'm sure you want to know )
1. Whether I should stay in Europe forever or come back and go to Law School. Though, Pat thinks I should stay in europe, and since I sometimes confuse his with the voice of God, I'm leaning that way.
2. I've been working out ALOT lately...that and studying my LSAT material. In fact, it reminds me of the days when I focused on school and health because I was ambitious and driven; instead of now when I just live in a REALLY boring town.
3. I Feel Fine by the Riddlin Kids has been on repeat in my car. I'm not sure why exactly but I think it has something to do with a previous conversatin where I said "I'm fine being single" and he responded "No, you're not."
Who says that?!?!
4. I took pictures of my car to put up on the internet and since have been looking at them whilst at work. I think, "Damn that's a nice car". But that is how much I love Europe, I'm willing to sell it...Maybe God will see my anguish and give me both?!?! Please Pretty Please.
5. If you're still reading this you eithr think I'm EXTREMELY neurotic or that it is really really boring to work at a law office. It's usually the former but today a bit of the latter.
Tuesday, August 7
Mommy and Me
We are the same person separated by 41 years. Our physical similarities are obvious; we share the same blond hair and speckle-green eyes, but it is our personalities that are most similar. My mother is an adventurer- in every since of the word. She doesn’t find her happiness in routine or stability. She loves fiercely and gives dutifully. She approaches people unafraid; as though she has never known hurt before, but when you speak with her you quickly realize she has lived a long life of ups and downs.
In truth, I can only hope we are the same person separated by a 41 years.
When I first told her I was thinking of moving to France to work after I graduated she responded, “of course”. This weekend when I timidly told her that I was thinking that I wanted to stay overseas for longer than a year she responded, “I was wondering when you were going to tell me.” She knows and understands me so well that it amazes me at times. She is smart and quick, always looking for more information to learn and expand her horizons. She understands it all but there is one point where we stand at opposite ends of a chasm- religion.
My mother is a missionary. I know; I can’t believe it at times either. She travels to India and Haiti to work with orphans. That’s right- ORPHANS.
Mother Theresa is my mother and sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. I want so badly to talk to her about my own struggles with the church. I want to tell her that I’m trying; oh I’m trying, to understand how the Sunday-school stories and the newspaper speak of the same planet. That I’m trying to understand how “God told me” is a valid answer to any question when this is the same woman that never believed in using the phrase ‘Because I told you so”. She raised me to question and to pursue everything yet when it comes to Christianity she becomes docile and submissive. I want to understand why my mother has cried over her inability to speak in tongues. Why she has been made to feel less-than because she is unmarried and, well, a little weird. I want to love her and believe her with everything but my skepticism begins to creep in and I suddenly need more than a calm pat on the hand. I need more than her clear green eyes closed in prayer, but I’m going to keep trying because I want to believe again. I want to say “God told me”, just so I can have one ounce of assurance in my life. I want to lie in peace, enveloped in a love that is strong enough to break this wild horse.
I want to be the same person separated by 41 years.
*for clarification- My mother was 41 years old when I was born. She has led a very interesting life as a war activist/ labor union president/ free-loving hippie. She is finally doing what my friends have told me to do for years- she’s having a book written about her. She has asked me to write a chapter; something that will explain my perspective on her life. I’m not ready yet but hopefully I will be soon.
We are the same person separated by 41 years. Our physical similarities are obvious; we share the same blond hair and speckle-green eyes, but it is our personalities that are most similar. My mother is an adventurer- in every since of the word. She doesn’t find her happiness in routine or stability. She loves fiercely and gives dutifully. She approaches people unafraid; as though she has never known hurt before, but when you speak with her you quickly realize she has lived a long life of ups and downs.
In truth, I can only hope we are the same person separated by a 41 years.
When I first told her I was thinking of moving to France to work after I graduated she responded, “of course”. This weekend when I timidly told her that I was thinking that I wanted to stay overseas for longer than a year she responded, “I was wondering when you were going to tell me.” She knows and understands me so well that it amazes me at times. She is smart and quick, always looking for more information to learn and expand her horizons. She understands it all but there is one point where we stand at opposite ends of a chasm- religion.
My mother is a missionary. I know; I can’t believe it at times either. She travels to India and Haiti to work with orphans. That’s right- ORPHANS.
Mother Theresa is my mother and sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. I want so badly to talk to her about my own struggles with the church. I want to tell her that I’m trying; oh I’m trying, to understand how the Sunday-school stories and the newspaper speak of the same planet. That I’m trying to understand how “God told me” is a valid answer to any question when this is the same woman that never believed in using the phrase ‘Because I told you so”. She raised me to question and to pursue everything yet when it comes to Christianity she becomes docile and submissive. I want to understand why my mother has cried over her inability to speak in tongues. Why she has been made to feel less-than because she is unmarried and, well, a little weird. I want to love her and believe her with everything but my skepticism begins to creep in and I suddenly need more than a calm pat on the hand. I need more than her clear green eyes closed in prayer, but I’m going to keep trying because I want to believe again. I want to say “God told me”, just so I can have one ounce of assurance in my life. I want to lie in peace, enveloped in a love that is strong enough to break this wild horse.
I want to be the same person separated by 41 years.
*for clarification- My mother was 41 years old when I was born. She has led a very interesting life as a war activist/ labor union president/ free-loving hippie. She is finally doing what my friends have told me to do for years- she’s having a book written about her. She has asked me to write a chapter; something that will explain my perspective on her life. I’m not ready yet but hopefully I will be soon.
Friday, August 3
Well, I Remember
conversations #2
The air was warm and thick, the way East Texas summers are. The lazy atmosphere consumed even the sun during its nightly descent, as the golden rays seemingly basked them for hours. The crickets sang a chorus that complimented the silence that sat between them. Lovers that had once found comfort in every utterance were now separated by the immense time that had left their relationship fragile. The woman that now sat beside him was a mystery; her green eyes presented an enigma as they coldly gazed over the lake.
“You came to see me the other day.” His statement felt safe in the myriad of questions that surrounded him. He could see that her heart was full of them, questions of purpose and meaning. He felt his statement was feeble and lacking, but he concentrated his gaze on her face, looking vainly for a flicker of response.
“You came to see me and I wasn’t there.” This delicate dance was going to be slow. Her eyes remained fixed ahead, watching an unknown scene.
“No.” He was struck by the quiet but strong word that had materialized between them. Her face remained unchanged but her voice had been too definitive to be a figment. “You were there.” She turned to him slowly, but her eyes remained fixed ahead as she measured her words. “You were there and you left. I reached for you and…” Her eyes darted to her hands as she gathered the strength to go on. “…and you pulled back. You left. You were always the one that was there, quietly unassuming and reassuring with your constant love. Now…I don’t know you anymore.” Her words cut him deeply as her eyes finally looked into his. The emerald of her eyes had shifted into a hard jade. Her gaze fell back to her hands and a revelation suddenly gripped her mind. “I reached for you.” Her hand shot out at the precise moment she awoke alone in her bed. Her cry was filled with confusion, hope and despair, “oh God,” but silence was her only answer.
conversations #2
The air was warm and thick, the way East Texas summers are. The lazy atmosphere consumed even the sun during its nightly descent, as the golden rays seemingly basked them for hours. The crickets sang a chorus that complimented the silence that sat between them. Lovers that had once found comfort in every utterance were now separated by the immense time that had left their relationship fragile. The woman that now sat beside him was a mystery; her green eyes presented an enigma as they coldly gazed over the lake.
“You came to see me the other day.” His statement felt safe in the myriad of questions that surrounded him. He could see that her heart was full of them, questions of purpose and meaning. He felt his statement was feeble and lacking, but he concentrated his gaze on her face, looking vainly for a flicker of response.
“You came to see me and I wasn’t there.” This delicate dance was going to be slow. Her eyes remained fixed ahead, watching an unknown scene.
“No.” He was struck by the quiet but strong word that had materialized between them. Her face remained unchanged but her voice had been too definitive to be a figment. “You were there.” She turned to him slowly, but her eyes remained fixed ahead as she measured her words. “You were there and you left. I reached for you and…” Her eyes darted to her hands as she gathered the strength to go on. “…and you pulled back. You left. You were always the one that was there, quietly unassuming and reassuring with your constant love. Now…I don’t know you anymore.” Her words cut him deeply as her eyes finally looked into his. The emerald of her eyes had shifted into a hard jade. Her gaze fell back to her hands and a revelation suddenly gripped her mind. “I reached for you.” Her hand shot out at the precise moment she awoke alone in her bed. Her cry was filled with confusion, hope and despair, “oh God,” but silence was her only answer.
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