Mommy and Me
We are the same person separated by 41 years. Our physical similarities are obvious; we share the same blond hair and speckle-green eyes, but it is our personalities that are most similar. My mother is an adventurer- in every since of the word. She doesn’t find her happiness in routine or stability. She loves fiercely and gives dutifully. She approaches people unafraid; as though she has never known hurt before, but when you speak with her you quickly realize she has lived a long life of ups and downs.
In truth, I can only hope we are the same person separated by a 41 years.
When I first told her I was thinking of moving to France to work after I graduated she responded, “of course”. This weekend when I timidly told her that I was thinking that I wanted to stay overseas for longer than a year she responded, “I was wondering when you were going to tell me.” She knows and understands me so well that it amazes me at times. She is smart and quick, always looking for more information to learn and expand her horizons. She understands it all but there is one point where we stand at opposite ends of a chasm- religion.
My mother is a missionary. I know; I can’t believe it at times either. She travels to India and Haiti to work with orphans. That’s right- ORPHANS.
Mother Theresa is my mother and sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. I want so badly to talk to her about my own struggles with the church. I want to tell her that I’m trying; oh I’m trying, to understand how the Sunday-school stories and the newspaper speak of the same planet. That I’m trying to understand how “God told me” is a valid answer to any question when this is the same woman that never believed in using the phrase ‘Because I told you so”. She raised me to question and to pursue everything yet when it comes to Christianity she becomes docile and submissive. I want to understand why my mother has cried over her inability to speak in tongues. Why she has been made to feel less-than because she is unmarried and, well, a little weird. I want to love her and believe her with everything but my skepticism begins to creep in and I suddenly need more than a calm pat on the hand. I need more than her clear green eyes closed in prayer, but I’m going to keep trying because I want to believe again. I want to say “God told me”, just so I can have one ounce of assurance in my life. I want to lie in peace, enveloped in a love that is strong enough to break this wild horse.
I want to be the same person separated by 41 years.
*for clarification- My mother was 41 years old when I was born. She has led a very interesting life as a war activist/ labor union president/ free-loving hippie. She is finally doing what my friends have told me to do for years- she’s having a book written about her. She has asked me to write a chapter; something that will explain my perspective on her life. I’m not ready yet but hopefully I will be soon.
We are the same person separated by 41 years. Our physical similarities are obvious; we share the same blond hair and speckle-green eyes, but it is our personalities that are most similar. My mother is an adventurer- in every since of the word. She doesn’t find her happiness in routine or stability. She loves fiercely and gives dutifully. She approaches people unafraid; as though she has never known hurt before, but when you speak with her you quickly realize she has lived a long life of ups and downs.
In truth, I can only hope we are the same person separated by a 41 years.
When I first told her I was thinking of moving to France to work after I graduated she responded, “of course”. This weekend when I timidly told her that I was thinking that I wanted to stay overseas for longer than a year she responded, “I was wondering when you were going to tell me.” She knows and understands me so well that it amazes me at times. She is smart and quick, always looking for more information to learn and expand her horizons. She understands it all but there is one point where we stand at opposite ends of a chasm- religion.
My mother is a missionary. I know; I can’t believe it at times either. She travels to India and Haiti to work with orphans. That’s right- ORPHANS.
Mother Theresa is my mother and sometimes I don’t know what to do about it. I want so badly to talk to her about my own struggles with the church. I want to tell her that I’m trying; oh I’m trying, to understand how the Sunday-school stories and the newspaper speak of the same planet. That I’m trying to understand how “God told me” is a valid answer to any question when this is the same woman that never believed in using the phrase ‘Because I told you so”. She raised me to question and to pursue everything yet when it comes to Christianity she becomes docile and submissive. I want to understand why my mother has cried over her inability to speak in tongues. Why she has been made to feel less-than because she is unmarried and, well, a little weird. I want to love her and believe her with everything but my skepticism begins to creep in and I suddenly need more than a calm pat on the hand. I need more than her clear green eyes closed in prayer, but I’m going to keep trying because I want to believe again. I want to say “God told me”, just so I can have one ounce of assurance in my life. I want to lie in peace, enveloped in a love that is strong enough to break this wild horse.
I want to be the same person separated by 41 years.
*for clarification- My mother was 41 years old when I was born. She has led a very interesting life as a war activist/ labor union president/ free-loving hippie. She is finally doing what my friends have told me to do for years- she’s having a book written about her. She has asked me to write a chapter; something that will explain my perspective on her life. I’m not ready yet but hopefully I will be soon.
4 comments:
I like that you are staying in Europe longer. That way I will be able to see you while I am there...are you going to be staying in France or no?
Now down to business. There is nothing wrong in questioning religion...faith doesn't mean that you can't wonder. If anything having questions but still holding your faith makes it that much stronger. Personally, I think that God, whoever or whatever he/she/it is, doesn't really care what you believe as long as you do believe. I think that it is more important to just be a good person rather than hammering out every inch of your faith with a set of rules. If God is really the omniscient being the vast majority of the world claim him to be I think he will be able to figure out that the big part(just believing) is the important part. I mean I figured it out, and God can't be too much dumber than me right?
You have an awesome mom.
HAHA
Yes, I suppose God can't be much dumber than you.
But you're pretty smart so that's saying a lot.
Hi Clara and padraig the almighty. I came across this blog as a link from a friend's friend, "fighting for a lost cause". I must say, Clara, I really loved this post. The artistic ability that flows from you is quite impressive. I really enjoyed the way you verbalized the conflict between your mother's lifestyle and beliefs and yours in this entry. Just thought I'd let you know.
Furthermore, I respectfully disagree with your comment, padraig. While I don't know you and don't doubt you an intelligent individual, I do know the character of the one so many call Lord and Savior. And it is in light of that character that I'd have to disagree with your thoughts that believing in a god is enough. Under the intellectual reasoning that Jesus came and repremanded the pharisee's sheer belief in their own ways of worshiping God and also the fact that in the book of James, it talkes about faith without works being dead. In this instance and in many other instances of the Word and Truth, it is not merely enough to believe but we must believe in "the way and the Truth and the life" only. And I think it's that very belief in such a specific God that catches most of the world at a standstill and causes many not to believe.
I am not apologizing for my faith, but I really do how my words did not instult you personally padraig. I hope you too will give me respect in just listening. Even though I don't know you, thanks for being brave enough to share your opinion. I really enjoy learning other's thoughts.
Thanks Anonymous! I always like to hear new voices on the blog. I work hard on my writing and appreciate any feedback, especially positive, that I receive.
On the other matter- Where I stand in my faith is between the two of you. I believe in a Christian God that had a son named Jesus Christ. I believe that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. But I do not have all the kinks "hammered out" as Padraig said. I don't know where the Creation story comes in. I don't know why the Old Testament authors said it is better to be miserable than happy. I don't know why God calls us to obey and pray for our leaders when they are killing our fellow citizens. I still have faith. My biggest issue is with the church. I want to reiterate to all those that read this blog that when I speak of the Church and religion, I am not referring to the personal relationship between an individual and God. I am speaking of the leaders of the Christian movement who have led us astray and made me wonder if Religion truly is the opium of the masses...
this is a rant that will have to be saved for another entry.
Thanks again, anonymous.
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