Tell me About Europe

Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. For years I fought to understand the things I had done, for which I had to forgive myself, and the things that had been done to me, for which I had to forgive others. I think the hardest part was trying to understand myself. I couldn’t allow any slack in my judgment, I was my harshest critic. With others I used a tactic of avoidance, by not thinking of these things I had forgiven them. These issues converged to create a ‘great sadness’ in me. It was the cloud that shadowed my thoughts of the past. I was still happy and out-going Clare but those who were close could see how I struggled with myself at times. One of my parents’ friends who is a healer pulled me aside once and told me I needed to let whatever it was I was holding on to go. She told me I needed to thank the past for happening instead of trying to change it.

I thought she was crazy.

I mean these things are supposed to affect the rest of your life. At least that’s what Dr. Phil says. I was perfectly justified to be angry at the world. I loved break-up songs and angry songs, anything that would help me raise my middle finger to the world.

Then my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

It’s amazing how someone else’s suffering makes you realize how petty your own is. One of my sadness’ was that I had lost contact with my extended family after I moved to college. I told people my family was an independent bunch and the missed holidays didn’t mean much. As I was flying home I thought, “Why am I doing this?” I hadn’t spoken to my aunt in ages; I thought I didn’t need her anymore. She needed me. I was the prodigal child coming home. I didn’t know if anyone would say anything about how I had acted in the past, not visiting and ‘doing my own thing’. They didn't.

The moment I will never forget is when my aunt was laying in a hospital bed receiving chemo and I was sitting next to her. She took my hand, closed her eyes, and said “tell me about Europe.” My aunt who had never traveled in her life, due to a childhood bout with polio, wanted me to share my adventures. She told me she was so proud of me for studying abroad and becoming an independent woman. She was forgiving me.
I thought back to my parents’ friend and I said thank you.

Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. Sometimes you don’t know you’re in the process at all. Then one day you realize that the anger and bitterness are gone and life is beautiful.