A True Relationship Song

Well now then Mardy Bum I've seen your frown and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun. And it goes off And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away

Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Well now then Mardy Bum

Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Well can't we laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

And yeah I'm sorry I was late but I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

“Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, passed over but I look through”

It’s funny, this small thing known as human behavior. My friend told me the other day that the definition of insanity is ‘repeating the same process expecting different results’. She was using this definition to comment on a humorous situation but her words come to me now. I don’t know why we repeat our actions; especially those that hurt us the most. Maybe I could get Freudian here and think that it has something to do with my father. My father was never reliable when I was growing up, he still isn’t. He has gotten better but there will always be selfishness in him that I know he will never grow out of. It is this way with my ex. We try to be friends, or more he tries to be my friend and I acquiesce, knowing, always knowing, that he will only let me down again. I would like to think it wasn’t all this way but I remember the constant frustration of our relationship, trying to make plans with a man that simply cannot give you his word. Granted, there is always a reason; a friend’s birthday, a long meeting, or a project to finish but after a couple of months I knew the real excuse, he could never see beyond himself. I love him very much and I think he is a wonderful person but, like my father, there is an inherent selfishness that resides without reason; an imperfection that causes a man to never step outside of himself, his comfort zone, and try. And now I can no longer try. This is why I have given up on his friendship, I don’t know if he notices that I don’t call or have cancelled my connection to him. I don’t think he realizes it is my utter disappointment in his being that has driven me away from him. He probably never will, for it would require him to step outside of his world and think of another’s. Then again, I am as guilty for I have let this behavior continue. It is no more, may he have a wonderful life. Unlike my father, he does not hold me close to remind me that there might be hope after all. Unlike my father, he does not carry this bond of blood that remains unbreakable.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

you're sick of feeling numb
you're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
and i'll show you a world you can understand
this life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn't work
trust me and take my hand, when the lights go out you'll understand

well anger and agony are better than misery

PAIN
without love
PAIN
can't get enough
PAIN
like it rough

Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

--Three Days Grace, Pain

Words from a poetic man (or two)

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground
When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie so I changed
My plans and rented a camera and a van and then
I called you 'I need you to pretend that we are in love again' and you agreed to
I want so badly to believe that 'there is truth, that love is real'
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled 'quiet on the set'
And then called 'action!'
And I kissed you in a style that clark gable would have admired (I thought it classic)
I want so badly to believe that 'there is truth, that love is real'
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

Evil Home Stereo

my itunes is working against me. It has played Blind by Lifehouse three times already in the span of an hour. I am starting to wonder if there are any happy songs on there. How's it Going to Be by Third Eye Blind also played. So I'm feeling a little low and I don't know if its the hangover from last night or the songs that play in my mind as I study french.
I remember when I used to think there was a way to get back to something. I was always looking for a way to get back to when things were simpler. Finally I realized this was a point of growing up. I didn't appreciate the moments for what they were. Now, when I find myself sad, I see it as something that will be over in time and not a permanent situation. Cold Water by Damien Rice just came on..."and I can't let go of your hand, Lord can you hear me now?".
My computer is evil

"I'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry, trying not to ask why
Cause love is a mystery
Love is blinding when the timing's never right
Oh who am I to beg for difference?
Finding love in just an instant
Well I don't mind, at least I've tried"

I know I've gone about this before. I was joking with my friend Michael about this the other day. He asked if I was just trying to get laid, when I said I didn't know why I was dating because I didn't want to put the effort out there to have a relationship. I told him, honestly, that I was just lonely. I don't want a relationship. I have got way too much going on right now with working, school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Do I sound like I need a man on top of all that?!?!
And yet...
"You were everything I ever wanted, the sky, all I've ever known. if I told you, 'you were right,' would you take my hand tonight? If I told you the reasons why, would you leave your life and ride? You saw all my pieces broken, this darkness I could never show."

evil home stereo what good songs do you know?

Home is where the heart is, but away is where my mind is

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go to Law School/Grad School lately. A huge part of me wants to move across the nation just to find something new. But I am hesitant. I don't understand what constitutes my fears, considering I did move to another country for nine months. Compared to that, moving to another state for one year doesn't sound very intimidating. Maybe it's because I realize it is very likely that I will stay wherever I move to. The prospect of moving away from home for good sounds both exhilarating and terrifying. I am one of those people who always has hope for the future. I don't have to push the issue right now, because I believe I will have a chance later. Moving away means the end of my chances here. I would have to say good-bye knowing full well that I might not return.

But as my friend Celina told me, I can always come home.

Something

This is only feeling with no thought
is this love?
What happened to the promises I bought?
Is this love?
--Cary Brothers


Sometimes I think there is a crazy karma to the world. The more I try to instill wisdom, the more I realize I don't know. It's amazing how one week everything is normal and then the next you're staring at your computer screen trying to figure out what happened. And of course your eyes fall on your thoughtful words and you realize that it's all full of crap. I think I'm going to stick to lyrics.

i don't understand

sometimes I really don't get people. I was contacted recently by someone I haven't spoken to in a long time. I responded positively, openly, but he has not. I would be remiss to say I didn't understand on some level where he is coming from. I too have wanted to preserve myself and not open the communication lines to people. Therefore, I do not write or try to contact these people but I would like to think if they contacted me I would be open to what they have to say.
I suppose what I really don't understand is why he wrote in the first place. Why write if you don't want to answer? Why start speaking if you have nothing to say? Maybe he has realized that we truly do inhabit different worlds now. Maybe I should have seemed more introspective and saddened by the loss of our friendship. But the truth is that I am not these things anymore. It has been over two years since we parted ways, and if I were to continue to believe that a wrong was committed when we walked away from each other then I would not have been able to survive these past 28 months.
He spoke on failing Love, as though love was a great ideal that was supposed to make everything work out. I still did not understand. Love is not an ideal. Love is an emotion and an action that inhabits our beings for a period of time. Life happens and people are pulled apart but this does not mean that love was failed. It means we are still mortals, full of wrongs and self-doubt. Love is a gift and therefore as quick as it is given can be taken away.
I wanted to tell him that the answers aren't found in the past. I could go over and over all the things that I have done to others and the wrongs that have been done to me. But where would that lead? All we are given is today.
And the answer I need is, what can I do with today; because that's all I've got right now.

New Deep


I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened I can barely survive a night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

Is there a God?
Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd when he knows my address?
And look at the stars
Don't they remind you of just how feeble we are?
Well it used to, I guess

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say, 'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'
But you're wrong this time
You're wrong

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing tonight
Stop trying to figure it out
It will only bring you down

You know, I used to be the backporch poet with my book of rhymes
Always open, knowing all the time I'm problably never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For 'heavier things'

In an ugly way, so beautiful


I'm not saying it was your fault,
Although, you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done?
Your such a smiling sweetheart

Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way,
Something so beautiful

That everytime I look inside
I know that she knows that,
I'm not fond of asking.
True or false it may be
She's still out to get me

I may say it was your fault
Cause I know you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done
By such a smiling sweetheart?

Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way, something so beautiful

Everytime I look inside
I know that she knows that
I'm not fond of asking

True or false it may be
She's still out to get me

Just don't let me down
Hold on to your kite
Just don't let me down

The Perfect Dress

I had a sober cigarette today. I never considered myself a smoker because I would only light up around others who were smoking while I was drinking. I also was unable to finish more than two in a night. Tonight was different. I've never craved a ciggy when sober but there was something in me that needed to drive into the dark with a cigarette in one hand and the music turned up loud. My friend was having an after-game party so I drove to her house, full of my independence.
There's something addictive about being alone. Lately I've enjoyed my occasional night to myself. I've been taking 17 hours and working 20 so i don't have a lot of free time. And while some might find it strange wanting to stay in on a saturday night by yourself, I find it freeing.
I suppose this is the same reason I haven't been trying to date. This summer I was dating multiple people and it was fun. I was honest with all of them, never committing to an exclusive relationship. My friends would ask if I ever thought that by doing this I would lose all of them. I suppose I had thought of it but the truth was that I didn't want any of them. If I truly had liked one of them then I wouldn't have been dating other people. Dating is like shopping, you know when you've found the perfect dress and you shouldn't settle for someone you have to convince yourself into liking. I'm choosing to be single now because; a. I can, even though some of my friends don't believe me and b. I found the perfect dress but he lives in Montana. Being true to him isn't going to bring him back to Texas any sooner but it is going to make his return sweeter. I've been a bit, actually a lot, selfish in my life. I always chalked it up to immaturity and was ok with that. Now I want to be an adult, I've learned words are cheap and the only way to actually be a better person to do the right thing. Besides, I'm a legal adult now, might as well start acting like one.