“Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, passed over but I look through”

It’s funny, this small thing known as human behavior. My friend told me the other day that the definition of insanity is ‘repeating the same process expecting different results’. She was using this definition to comment on a humorous situation but her words come to me now. I don’t know why we repeat our actions; especially those that hurt us the most. Maybe I could get Freudian here and think that it has something to do with my father. My father was never reliable when I was growing up, he still isn’t. He has gotten better but there will always be selfishness in him that I know he will never grow out of. It is this way with my ex. We try to be friends, or more he tries to be my friend and I acquiesce, knowing, always knowing, that he will only let me down again. I would like to think it wasn’t all this way but I remember the constant frustration of our relationship, trying to make plans with a man that simply cannot give you his word. Granted, there is always a reason; a friend’s birthday, a long meeting, or a project to finish but after a couple of months I knew the real excuse, he could never see beyond himself. I love him very much and I think he is a wonderful person but, like my father, there is an inherent selfishness that resides without reason; an imperfection that causes a man to never step outside of himself, his comfort zone, and try. And now I can no longer try. This is why I have given up on his friendship, I don’t know if he notices that I don’t call or have cancelled my connection to him. I don’t think he realizes it is my utter disappointment in his being that has driven me away from him. He probably never will, for it would require him to step outside of his world and think of another’s. Then again, I am as guilty for I have let this behavior continue. It is no more, may he have a wonderful life. Unlike my father, he does not hold me close to remind me that there might be hope after all. Unlike my father, he does not carry this bond of blood that remains unbreakable.