Who's Left and Who's Leaving


I'm back with scars to show
back with the streets I know will never take me anywhere but here...
we meet here for our dress rehearsal to say: "I wanted it this way"...
all this time lingers undefined
someone choose
who's left and who's leaving....
lists of all that you gave me
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest
the best parts of lonely....

This makes me think about my plans to leave the country. I remember one night in the airport in London, thinking of going home. I remember this thought hit me so powerfully, that some are left and others are leaving. I thought of ______'s anger that he was being left and my anger that he didn't understand what it meant to be leaving. Then I realized that it's the same. Whether you are the one being left, or the one leaving, it all hurts. The pain in each step as I walked away was echoed in them as they watched my feet.

Forgetting to Remember



"Tonight we drink to youth and holding fast the truth. I don't want to lose what I had as a boy. My heart still has a beat but love is now a feat as common as a cold day in L.A. Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder, is there a spell that I am under? Keeping me from seeing the real thing. Love hurts but sometimes it's a good hurt and it feels like I'm alive. Love sings when it transcends the bad things. Have a heart and try me, 'cause without love I won't survive."

So I've started dating again and met some really nice guys. I'm enjoying the process after my break from dating. It's amazing the things I've learned about myself. And since no one reads this anyways, I'm going to share some.

1. I've learned my girlfriends are my best-friends. Nothing beats a girlfriend, someone to party with, to laugh with, and to cry with. I've never been so close to this many females in my life and I love it. They get me and they make a great sounding board for all of my crazy guy stories.

2. I love concerts, especially when you can get a beer, sit back, and enjoy the show.

3. The best memories are events that weren't planned. This is where having a boyfriend is boring. Maybe it's the guys I've been picking but I have never had as much fun as these past couple of months. Except for Anthony, who I will count as a friend forever.

4. I love waking up alone and setting my own agenda for the day.

5. Law and Order is overrated...sorry mike. If given the choice, I'd watch The Daily Show, Without a Trace, or South Park...but truth be told I never watch t.v....too busy hanging out with my awesome girlfriends.

6. I want to live in Paris, study Law in New York, study life in Asia, and travel somewhere different every month for my job. I want to be a world citizen that loves theatre and knows her Italian wines.

7. My perfect guy is older, smarter, and more ambitious than me.

8. I think religion is true but has been polluted by the masses.

9. I have nothing leftover. I am thankful for Josh, disappointed with Michael, puzzled by Richard, wiser because of Marcos, and honest for Anthony. As the song says, "there is only me."

When all you got is hurt

I have seen:

A man walk aimless around an airport, holding a bouquet of mother’s day flowers for his long lost son, later, crying himself to sleep because his son never showed,

A friend ashamed, explaining that her mother is lost again in some bar on the main strip, lying next to me because she couldn’t stay at home,

A mother walk slowly through a church, as everyone stares, knowing that her son was just convicted of murder,

A girl afraid to spend the night alone because it is the anniversary of her rape, an act that stole her dignity and hope,

A young man cry, knowing his love is leaving and when she returns it will never be the same; trying to hold back tears behind his sunglass,

A father afraid of his daughter and the woman she has become, knowing he can never teach her all the things he hopes and prays for,

A woman consumed by her own restlessness, a constant need for change and the disappointment that follows; looking back at me in the mirror.



When was the last time I held you all through the night?
Never a worry would run through my heart like a knife.
Feels like a zillion years and I don't want to wait more.
To find you, is to lose you.
What is that for?
One more night and I might never know who you are;
tell me.

To someone who still reads this and maybe some others who don't....You are just another thing I've yet to fathom


"if you're going to talk about the things I need
then you're going to have to find out what they are
you remind me of a time when i was boring

i wash my hands of you...I have been asking myself "when am I going to learn?"

I never held you, you never hold me
it's happening all over again
I try to tempt you, you say i'm diluted
when will this foolishness cease?

every time I see you I start choking, I prefer to keep my eyes wide open...
patience is a virtue when you're near me
i wash my hands of you...I've been asking myself "when am I going to learn?"

i know you'll be fine now that you're not mine

i never held you, you never hold me.
it's happening all over again...
i tempted to slay you with old fashioned manners
but patience was never my thing
i said you were special, you know that I meant it
if you carry on like that you'll never make it, if you carry on like me you'll never make it. "


An english song for an english memory...

Bud Light presents real men of genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy. Men from lesser states may know their state’s capital but you, you know your states bird, tree, and even reptile (love that horny toad). You display your pride with your lone star tattoo, native Texan bumper sticker, and contempt for any state that doesn’t start with Tex and end with as. (That spells Texas). Sure, there are 49 other states in the union, but they are smaller, wussier, and the people talk funny (Yankee wussy). So crack open an ice cold Bud Light oh lover of the lone star state, cause all that flag waving must have made you mighty thirsty.

I'm getting excited about life. I went to see the Law School Advisor and now I'm so excited about my future. I really hope to move to New York soon and go to Law School. That would be my dream. I don't know what I'm going to do next year but I am hoping to either get a job in Europe or in New York; work on life before I go to Law School. But I'm in a really good place right now. I've gotten used to being by myself and I am starting to really enjoy it. I like being able to go wherever I want and the total freedom to choose what path my life will take next year. So yeah, I'm excited, about life. And it's beautiful.

That alright with You?

"Leave me out with the waste,
this is not what I do.
this is the wrong kind of place
to be cheating on you.
it's the wrong time,
she's pulling me through
it's a small crime and
I've got no excuse.
Is that alright?"

There are certain times of self-loathing. I have done things that I can never be proud of and will never try to justify. One of these things is cheating. I have cheated and I know that it was selfish and reprehensible but I find myself understanding other cheaters. Let me clarify, I have never had an affair. I have never had two relationships at one time. When I cheated, I told the person as soon as I could and ultimately we did break up. So, I find myself understanding those who were in a moment of weakness because through their selfishness and self-destruction they hurt someone else in a way that can never be mended. I understand that. The people I don't understand are those who cause people to cheat. In my paticular instance, I was a prize to be won. The guy even told me so. He knew I had a boyfriend and that we were long distance so he set out to "win me" away. But the fact was that he wasn't winning me because he thought he would be better with me but because he wanted a challenge. See, as soon as a hunter catches his prey the game is over and he loses interest. I figured this out a little late and after I broke up with him I was left alone. This experience fueled my utter disgust for people who would do this; set out to ruin another's happiness.
Then life experience hit me again. It was towards the end of the year in England and I had been single for a while. One of my good friends was not. Sure his relationship was a dead end (he was dating an English girl) but they were still dating, which made the kiss we shared that night wrong. Sure we were both quite tipsy and everyone thought we would make a better couple then him and his girlfriend but I immediately felt the self-loathing begin. I was one of those. I had caused him to cheat and I didn't know how to reconcile it within myself. The next night we went out again, this time his girlfriend was in tow.
I don't think I looked her in the eye the whole night.
Maybe she knew something, she probably didn't. We had never been more than acquaintances with various mutual friends but the guilt layed too heavily on me. I thought back to my previous experience and the one who had only pursued me as part of his game, how could he have slept at night when a simple kiss was wrenching my heart out? I remember once while we were dating he told me he didn't know if he could respect me, considering the situation surrounding our relationship.
I nearly laughed out loud.
Maybe one day I will find myself understanding him too. I understand cheaters but I still would never tolerate it. Shortly after my own experience my very good friend was cheated on. She asked me what to do and I told her to break up with him. She asked me how I could think that given my experience. I told her that it was simple; he is regrettful and he is very very sorry for what he did but cheating is only a sympton of a bigger disease. We had a moment of selfishness but it was because, when it comes down to it, we didn't love the other person more than ourselves. As a cheater, I know that it is not an inherent flaw in my being but born out of a flaw in my relationship. I know that when I find the right person I will love them more than myself and never hurt them.

"I gave me away.
I could have knocked off the evening,
but I was lonelily looking
for someone to hold.
In a way, I lost all I believed in
and I never found myself
so alone."


*Endnotes: My friend and her boyfriend did end up breaking up and she is very happy now. When I reference cheaters I am NOT talking about adulterers or those who cheat multiple times. I am referencing those who find themselves in a moment of weakness and make a mistake. Also, I was cheated on this summer and well..to prove the old cliche true, I know how it feels to walk in my ex's shoes and have even more of a resolve to never ever hurt someone like that again.
The lyrics are from Damien Rice. The first set is from his new song 9 Crimes and the second is from Lonelily.

Self-Pity (too ugly for me)

Am I supposed to
what you have chosen to be?
understand your pain and fear
I say I do and yet,
there's a sadness to your voice
that rings hollow to me.
Months and years
and I just turn away.
You ask for me to believe,
but I simply can't see.
Want to hear my story?
Scarred, abused, scorned
used, discarded, burned.
And you're supposed to be
the one with all the pain?
Forgive me for looking away;
your weakness is too ugly,
too ugly for me.

A True Relationship Song

Well now then Mardy Bum I've seen your frown and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun. And it goes off And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away

Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Well now then Mardy Bum

Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Well can't we laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

And yeah I'm sorry I was late but I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

“Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, passed over but I look through”

It’s funny, this small thing known as human behavior. My friend told me the other day that the definition of insanity is ‘repeating the same process expecting different results’. She was using this definition to comment on a humorous situation but her words come to me now. I don’t know why we repeat our actions; especially those that hurt us the most. Maybe I could get Freudian here and think that it has something to do with my father. My father was never reliable when I was growing up, he still isn’t. He has gotten better but there will always be selfishness in him that I know he will never grow out of. It is this way with my ex. We try to be friends, or more he tries to be my friend and I acquiesce, knowing, always knowing, that he will only let me down again. I would like to think it wasn’t all this way but I remember the constant frustration of our relationship, trying to make plans with a man that simply cannot give you his word. Granted, there is always a reason; a friend’s birthday, a long meeting, or a project to finish but after a couple of months I knew the real excuse, he could never see beyond himself. I love him very much and I think he is a wonderful person but, like my father, there is an inherent selfishness that resides without reason; an imperfection that causes a man to never step outside of himself, his comfort zone, and try. And now I can no longer try. This is why I have given up on his friendship, I don’t know if he notices that I don’t call or have cancelled my connection to him. I don’t think he realizes it is my utter disappointment in his being that has driven me away from him. He probably never will, for it would require him to step outside of his world and think of another’s. Then again, I am as guilty for I have let this behavior continue. It is no more, may he have a wonderful life. Unlike my father, he does not hold me close to remind me that there might be hope after all. Unlike my father, he does not carry this bond of blood that remains unbreakable.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

you're sick of feeling numb
you're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
and i'll show you a world you can understand
this life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn't work
trust me and take my hand, when the lights go out you'll understand

well anger and agony are better than misery

PAIN
without love
PAIN
can't get enough
PAIN
like it rough

Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

--Three Days Grace, Pain

Words from a poetic man (or two)

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground
When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie so I changed
My plans and rented a camera and a van and then
I called you 'I need you to pretend that we are in love again' and you agreed to
I want so badly to believe that 'there is truth, that love is real'
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled 'quiet on the set'
And then called 'action!'
And I kissed you in a style that clark gable would have admired (I thought it classic)
I want so badly to believe that 'there is truth, that love is real'
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

Evil Home Stereo

my itunes is working against me. It has played Blind by Lifehouse three times already in the span of an hour. I am starting to wonder if there are any happy songs on there. How's it Going to Be by Third Eye Blind also played. So I'm feeling a little low and I don't know if its the hangover from last night or the songs that play in my mind as I study french.
I remember when I used to think there was a way to get back to something. I was always looking for a way to get back to when things were simpler. Finally I realized this was a point of growing up. I didn't appreciate the moments for what they were. Now, when I find myself sad, I see it as something that will be over in time and not a permanent situation. Cold Water by Damien Rice just came on..."and I can't let go of your hand, Lord can you hear me now?".
My computer is evil

"I'm looking for love this time, sounding hopeful but it's making me cry, trying not to ask why
Cause love is a mystery
Love is blinding when the timing's never right
Oh who am I to beg for difference?
Finding love in just an instant
Well I don't mind, at least I've tried"

I know I've gone about this before. I was joking with my friend Michael about this the other day. He asked if I was just trying to get laid, when I said I didn't know why I was dating because I didn't want to put the effort out there to have a relationship. I told him, honestly, that I was just lonely. I don't want a relationship. I have got way too much going on right now with working, school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Do I sound like I need a man on top of all that?!?!
And yet...
"You were everything I ever wanted, the sky, all I've ever known. if I told you, 'you were right,' would you take my hand tonight? If I told you the reasons why, would you leave your life and ride? You saw all my pieces broken, this darkness I could never show."

evil home stereo what good songs do you know?

Home is where the heart is, but away is where my mind is

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go to Law School/Grad School lately. A huge part of me wants to move across the nation just to find something new. But I am hesitant. I don't understand what constitutes my fears, considering I did move to another country for nine months. Compared to that, moving to another state for one year doesn't sound very intimidating. Maybe it's because I realize it is very likely that I will stay wherever I move to. The prospect of moving away from home for good sounds both exhilarating and terrifying. I am one of those people who always has hope for the future. I don't have to push the issue right now, because I believe I will have a chance later. Moving away means the end of my chances here. I would have to say good-bye knowing full well that I might not return.

But as my friend Celina told me, I can always come home.

Something

This is only feeling with no thought
is this love?
What happened to the promises I bought?
Is this love?
--Cary Brothers


Sometimes I think there is a crazy karma to the world. The more I try to instill wisdom, the more I realize I don't know. It's amazing how one week everything is normal and then the next you're staring at your computer screen trying to figure out what happened. And of course your eyes fall on your thoughtful words and you realize that it's all full of crap. I think I'm going to stick to lyrics.

i don't understand

sometimes I really don't get people. I was contacted recently by someone I haven't spoken to in a long time. I responded positively, openly, but he has not. I would be remiss to say I didn't understand on some level where he is coming from. I too have wanted to preserve myself and not open the communication lines to people. Therefore, I do not write or try to contact these people but I would like to think if they contacted me I would be open to what they have to say.
I suppose what I really don't understand is why he wrote in the first place. Why write if you don't want to answer? Why start speaking if you have nothing to say? Maybe he has realized that we truly do inhabit different worlds now. Maybe I should have seemed more introspective and saddened by the loss of our friendship. But the truth is that I am not these things anymore. It has been over two years since we parted ways, and if I were to continue to believe that a wrong was committed when we walked away from each other then I would not have been able to survive these past 28 months.
He spoke on failing Love, as though love was a great ideal that was supposed to make everything work out. I still did not understand. Love is not an ideal. Love is an emotion and an action that inhabits our beings for a period of time. Life happens and people are pulled apart but this does not mean that love was failed. It means we are still mortals, full of wrongs and self-doubt. Love is a gift and therefore as quick as it is given can be taken away.
I wanted to tell him that the answers aren't found in the past. I could go over and over all the things that I have done to others and the wrongs that have been done to me. But where would that lead? All we are given is today.
And the answer I need is, what can I do with today; because that's all I've got right now.

New Deep


I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened I can barely survive a night in my mind
I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it's been

Is there a God?
Why is he waiting?
Don't you think of it odd when he knows my address?
And look at the stars
Don't they remind you of just how feeble we are?
Well it used to, I guess

I'm a new man
I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you'll say, 'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'
But you're wrong this time
You're wrong

Numb is the new deep
Done with the old me
I'm over the analyzing tonight
Stop trying to figure it out
It will only bring you down

You know, I used to be the backporch poet with my book of rhymes
Always open, knowing all the time I'm problably never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For 'heavier things'

In an ugly way, so beautiful


I'm not saying it was your fault,
Although, you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done?
Your such a smiling sweetheart

Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way,
Something so beautiful

That everytime I look inside
I know that she knows that,
I'm not fond of asking.
True or false it may be
She's still out to get me

I may say it was your fault
Cause I know you could have done more

Oh you're so naive yet so

How could this be done
By such a smiling sweetheart?

Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way, something so beautiful

Everytime I look inside
I know that she knows that
I'm not fond of asking

True or false it may be
She's still out to get me

Just don't let me down
Hold on to your kite
Just don't let me down

The Perfect Dress

I had a sober cigarette today. I never considered myself a smoker because I would only light up around others who were smoking while I was drinking. I also was unable to finish more than two in a night. Tonight was different. I've never craved a ciggy when sober but there was something in me that needed to drive into the dark with a cigarette in one hand and the music turned up loud. My friend was having an after-game party so I drove to her house, full of my independence.
There's something addictive about being alone. Lately I've enjoyed my occasional night to myself. I've been taking 17 hours and working 20 so i don't have a lot of free time. And while some might find it strange wanting to stay in on a saturday night by yourself, I find it freeing.
I suppose this is the same reason I haven't been trying to date. This summer I was dating multiple people and it was fun. I was honest with all of them, never committing to an exclusive relationship. My friends would ask if I ever thought that by doing this I would lose all of them. I suppose I had thought of it but the truth was that I didn't want any of them. If I truly had liked one of them then I wouldn't have been dating other people. Dating is like shopping, you know when you've found the perfect dress and you shouldn't settle for someone you have to convince yourself into liking. I'm choosing to be single now because; a. I can, even though some of my friends don't believe me and b. I found the perfect dress but he lives in Montana. Being true to him isn't going to bring him back to Texas any sooner but it is going to make his return sweeter. I've been a bit, actually a lot, selfish in my life. I always chalked it up to immaturity and was ok with that. Now I want to be an adult, I've learned words are cheap and the only way to actually be a better person to do the right thing. Besides, I'm a legal adult now, might as well start acting like one.

Table for one

I have been 21 for one month and four days. I suppose something magical is supposed to happen when you turn 21, why else would the government entrust me with alcohol? Though the interesting thing is something has happened. For one, I haven't been drunk since my birthday. It's not for lack of trying, I go out at least twice a week, but more from lack of desire. I believe there are moments when everything changes in your life. Now, you might not realize that a moment has just occured and the effects might not be felt for weeks or months; but with the benefit of hindsight you can see that moment for what it was, life changing. That night for me was July 29. It has become so infamous that my roommate and I simply refer to it as "that night". I can't explain what all happened that night, nor do I want to. What I will say is this; I pushed my boundaries to see where they might lead and when I found their inevitable end, it freaked me out. I swore off alcohol the next morning but that ended the next weekend when my friend Anthony came to town. And then my best-friend flew in from Montana and so we had to party it up. Every time I woke up in the morning I wished I had had one drink less (or two or three some nights). It wasn't that I found anything wrong with drinking in and of itself. It was that I didn't like the way I acted when I was intoxicated.
After Mike and I had been dating for about 9 months he proposed. Granted, he was incredibly wasted, yet he got down on one knee in the middle of a pool hall and asked for my hand in marriage. He told me that "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". I believed this. I still turned him down, of course, but from that day on I believed that the way I acted when i was drunk was the real me. What was I like? Well I loved to dance, could talk to anyone, and was superb at flirting. I was a riot. My friends bought me drinks if I didn't have cash because they loved the ball of energy I turned into. Then things began to change.
I would sit watching people, wanting to be real. I wanted to say things I couldn't say before and wanted people to believe them. I remember falling head over heels for a friend of mine and finally telling him...when I was drunk. The next morning I felt like a fool. I had meant everything but the alcohol had voided all of it. Two days later was my birthday...
Now here I am. It's a friday night and I am writing on my computer instead of going out. This is probably the first friday I have stayed in since school began. Truth be told, I haven't had a drop of alcohol all week. I even bought my favorite wine to eat with dinner and ended up not opening it. Maybe something magical does happen when you turn 21, alcohol is no longer forbidden so I no longer crave it. Though I know that is a load of bollocks. I was England all last year and I partied with the best of them. Maybe I'm just growing up. I'm not saying I want to give up alcohol. I love sitting back with friends and drinking a cold Shiner Boch.
What I know is that I already have enough regrets to last a lifetime and I don't need any help making more.

I was raped.

This is something I can write, but I've never been able to say. Something that I hadn't thought about in years but was reminded of last week. I was on campus at Poor Yorick's Coffe Shop when I saw him. He was standing a couple people ahead of me and when I walked by, before noticing him, he had non-chalantly said "Hi". Remember how in those movies, moments like these are always shot in slow motion? Well it's true. I felt like I stared at him for hours, but it was only a second of hesitation before I responded with a tentative "hello". I quickly shuffled back into line, clutching my sandwich desperately. I wanted to run away, I looked around hurriedly, hoping there was someone else I knew. I felt trapped as if all the air was leaving the shop. Slowly the line dwindled and he paid for his order. Afterwards, he walked up to me and said "hello" again. I looked at him, unsure what to do. I hadn't seen him in over two years and I had so much to say but nothing was coming to my mind. Then he said it. He said he was sorry. "I've changed a lot in the last year and I want you to know I'm so sorry about what I did". I wanted to tell him that that wasn't enough, that I was 18 when it happend, that I had been a virgin. That I had thought of him everytime a friend recounted her story of her first time. That he was why I had become Pro-Choice. But I just stared blankly back, which prompted him to apologize again, assuming that I wasn't hearing him. Finally, I smiled (I don't know how but I did) and I told him I forgave him. I told him that it was two years ago and that people change and I accept that. I told him I had changed, that I was older and stronger. I didn't want to give him credit for all that I had gone through since then. I didn't want to confess my depression that had left me immobile for months. I couldn't let him think that he had been a positive change in my life but in reality the result of that depression, the counseling, my turn as a couselor to other young girls. It made me wonder if all that would have happened if I hadn't agreed to date him.

He walked away and I was left thinking all these things. I remembered what I had written on my facebook profile about "shit happens". I knew I had to live by my own words and retain the forgiveness I had given him years ago. But his confession had an opposite reaction on me. Now that I knew that he knew all along he had been wrong I wanted to make him feel worse. I wanted to tell him that I didn't forgive him, that I never could. I wanted to scream about how horrible of a person he was. Then I remembered my words again. "Shit happens, not forgiving someone only ruins your own life and proves how selfish you are to think you are the only one who has ever been hurt". And I knew that I would forgive him.

I've seen him twice since, he works in a building I have class in. He always says "hello" and I always respond. I have no desire for more or less. His presence reminds me of all that I have done and been forgiven for.

"Forgive them father, for they know not what they do"

and even if they do, forigve them anyways because life is too short to be angry.


Update: I saw him a lot that semester. It turned out that he worked in the same building that I had a class in. I thought our meetings twice a week were a cruel joke being played out by God at first. Then I realized that there had to be a bigger meaning. With each tentative 'Hello' I began to see him more as a person. There is something he took away from me that night but the ability to humanize him is what gave me the power to truly forgive him. Before, I had marginalized his actions by assuming he didn't know what he did. After he apologized, I had to come to grips with the fact that he had known full well the consequences of his actions- and he had still committed them. That was the hardest thing to forgive. I feel sorry for those who are never able to confront those who have perpetrated against them. These people have to live in the fear of the unknown. It's times like these that I know there is a God.
This entry has stayed as a draft for far too long and I'm submitting it now because...well, it's the truth and sometimes the truth needs to be heard.

State Street Residential

holding fast until
the rent checks wear thin
because it hasn't sunk in, so far
when it's a drab routine
the dust starts building
until its hard to come clean
then my months stack up to an addictive crush
as if the drink weren't enough
a stagger cannot compete
there's no charm in being
a residential state street

and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?

wish you could know
better than you show
with parted lips pointing down
that the whiskey soothes more than you could ever do
and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?

er what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make

and if i was sober
would i kill caution and stay over?
and if i was sober
would i rip hearts apart like paper?

what a difference it'd make
and what a different it'd make

may you only touch lightly
upon my broken dreams
a thought, a mind of you
given to me in weakness and truth

years past the simple words
spoken in, may I still claim
to know your thought
in the way i knew myself that day

you write on simplicity
and I am complicated by it
had I believed once you would only
touch lightly, i had been mistaken

response to seconds, and I am left shaking

She slept soundly next to me and I knew that her sleep was far easier than the questions that would occur upon her waking. I stared blankly out the window, watching the passing hills that had come to define my broken heart. I was leaving again and I wanted to scream. I wanted to say..
Fuck Leaving
Fuck Goodbyes
Anger is easier than sadness. She moved next to me, shifting to an unknown dream. I couldn't begin to explain what her presence meant to me. It had been a last minute revelation, that she would be travelling with me to the airport. I had been moved beyond words, never knowing this intimacy before. I had known love before with my family, strangers thrown together and commanded to love another. I had had lovers before, strangers who sleep together and therefore are commanded to love one another. This love was different. There was no give and take, just a state of being. A presence that did not require words. With no requests, all I could do was give.
Fuck Leaving
The train came to a slow stop and I softly bumped her shoulder. She awoke and I motioned with my eyes that it was time to go. It was I who led the way to the airport, having been through this station too many times. I had resolved to remain strong, the silence of our friendship helped. After we had found my flight and checked in my bags we went to eat breakfast. She had chosen a Burger King breakfast meal while I had bought a muffin and an extra water for her. She smiled gratefully and we settled back into our silence. It was these exchanges that others didn't understand. We would exchange small favors for each other without a word about paybacks or who had spent more on whom.............to be continued

“Liverpool Airport does not make announcements, please check your flight number and gate number”

The intercom buzzed with its announcement that the airport does not make announcements. I had always found this humorous but today it merely irritated me. I had been half-asleep in a plastic lounge chair, trying to forget all that I was leaving. I was only going home to Texas for Easter Break but this trip felt like practice for when I would really be leaving England. The thought left me feeling empty. It hurt even more that no one back home could understand. All my friends had been awaiting my arrival back home but for me it was no happy reunion. I looked around me at the empty airport. I had been forced to spend the night here because of my early morning plane. Airports are the loneliest places in the world and I had been through enough of them this past year to leave a permanent scar. There had been those friends and family who had tried to convince me not to leave and I found myself angry at them as I sat alone in this existence of my own making. Didn’t they understand how hard it was to constantly be leaving? The toll these airports had taken on my spirit couldn’t be measured and yet they were mad at me? I suppose that it’s the same either way. Leaving is as hard as being left. As a tear slid down my cheek I thought of those I would one day be leaving forever with the false promises of another tomorrow. I didn’t want to imagine how this would feel in June when I left Lancaster forever. Maybe I would be getting back to my ‘real life’ and I would be seeing all my friends and family that had missed me these past months. I couldn’t shake the feeling that even after I returned to them I would still have an empty space left by this past year.

I looked up at the computer screen to find my flight was boarding. Realizing that this would be like any relationship that you know must end, I walked away. I walked away from the thoughts that I knew would return in a few months. I walked away because staying would have been a pain I could not bear.

A good song

"If you don't know why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight.

If you don't know Honey why don't you just say so?
Cause I need this now more than I ever did
If you don't well Honey then you dont.

I left you waiting.
At the least can we be friends?
Should have never started,
Aint' that the way it always ends?

On my life I'll try today, there's so much I felt I should say
But even if your heart would listen I doubt I could explain

If you don't know why'd you say so?
Would you mean this please if it happens?
If you don't know why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight...

I'm sorry that I'm such a mess
I drank all my money could get
I took everything you let me have
and then I never loved you back...

If you don't know, Honey, why'd you just say so?
Cause I need this now yeah need this
If you don't well, Honey, then you don't
and if you don't well, Honey, then you don't
If you don't know, Honey, then you don't."



I know this is an older song from Jimmy Eat World. It's always been my favorite though. I love the cycle that the song writer is going through. He's blaming the girl at the same time that he is apologising. It reminds me of a breakup when you know you've messed up big time but you keep asking the person to make a decision about you. The girl is going back and forth and can't make her mind up about him. He's trying to work out the way he treated her in the past and the fact that he misses her now. But in the end he understands that she can't make a decision because he knows what he has done to her. Good stuff from the wonderful Jimmy Eat World...or JEW as I heard them nicknamed once.

A Tired Game

it's such a tired game
will it ever stop?
how will this all play out
out of sight out of mind
By now we should know how to communicate
Instead of coming to blows, we're on a roll...
It's such a crying, crying, crying shame"

I know these lyrics by Jack Johnson are about war but they came to my mind today as I was talking to a friend about her recent break-up. My friend and I had met our respective boyfriends a week apart from each other and had really grown together as a foursome. When my boyfriend and I broke early this year they both talked to me about it and helped to show me that there was good in my ex. Now I am doing the same. It's hard when you're dealing with broken hearts because the gut reaction is to make the other to be pure evil. So as a friend to both of them I find myself in the sticky situation of showing my friend that her ex isn't that terrible of a person, just someone who made mistakes.
It makes me wonder about love and relationships at all. I have stated that I don't want to find Mr. Right yet because I'm not ready to settle down. But if that's what I really want then I am basically asking for another break-up. Another ritual mud-slinging contest to see who was the worse partner. And honestly I don't understand why it has to be this way. I fight myself constantly to not take my exe's words in the wrong context since we have now become friends. There are times when I still want to say that he is a crappy, no-good jerk but I refrain because I know these feelings are coming from a place of anger and pain that I thought was gone. A place in my heart that will grow smaller as time passes. As my friend will one day look back at her ex and see him as another person that she shared her life with for a while, a person that through his faults gave her more happiness than pain.

3 Libras by A Perfect Circle

Threw you the obvious and you
Flew with it on your back, a
Name in your recollection
Down among a million same

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through
To see you naked but oblivious

And you don't see
Me

But I threw you the obvious just to
See if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

'Cause I threw you the obvious to
See what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Oh well
Apparently nothing at all
You don't, you don't, you don't see me
You don't see
You don't see me at all

I was talking about this song yesterday with a friend and it came back to my mind today. We had decided that it was about trying to reach someone who can't be reached. The lyrics that I highlighted where he says that it's "difficult not to feel a bit disappointed and passed over" show that he is trying to communicate with this person but he sees that they can't accept his message. But he also sees past their defense and understands why they can't accept him, because they are a "tragedy".
I read this on a SongMeanings this morning, it's from the lead singer...

Up until the mid twentieth century the mountain gorilla was considered a myth. Oddly enough, a legend not unlike bigfoot or the loch ness monster. The chance of actually seeing/experiencing this elusive shadow was as likely as finding ones soulmate.
Rare.
Precious.
Even once discovered they seemed unapproachable. The only way to get close to this magnificent creature was to become empathetic. Abandon all pretense and preconceptions. To bare an open throat. To collapse into the arms of vulnerability. All but extinct, these beings/moments are threatened by the black hearted. The cold and oblivious. The empty eyed profit seekers that overlook these
Rare
Precious
Moments."

Life of Pi

"I can well imagine an atheist's last words: 'White, white! L-L-Love! My God!'--and the deathbed leap of faith. Whereas the agnostic, if he stays true to his reasonable self, if he stays beholden to dry, yeastless factuality, might try to explain the warm light bathing him by saying, 'Possibly a f-f-failing oxygenation of the b-b-brain,' and, to the very end, lack imagination and miss the better story."

_______________

"And that wasn't the end of it. There are always those who take it upon themselves to defend God, as if the Ultimate Reality, as if the sustaining frame of existence, were something weak and helpless. These people walk by a widow deformed by leprosy begging for a few paise, walk by children dressed in rags living in the street, and they think, "Business as usual." But if they perceive a slight against God, it is a different story. Their faces go red, their chests heave mightily, they sputter angry words. The degree of their indignation is astonishing. Their resolve is frightening.

"These people fail to realize that it is on the inside that God must be defended, not on the outside. They should direct their anger at themselves. For evil in the open is but evil from within that has been let out. The main battlefield for good is not the open ground of the public arena but the small clearing of each heart. Meanwhile, the lot of widows and homeless children is very hard, and it is to their defence, not God's, that the self-righteous should rush.

"Once an oaf chased me away from the Great Mosque. When I went to church the priest glared at me so that I could not feel the peace of Christ. A Brahmin sometimes shooed me away from darshan. My religious doings were reported to my parents in the hushed, urgent tones of treason revealed.

"As if this small-mindedness did God any good.

"To me, religion is about our dignity, not our depravity."

______________

"God is not insecure"--unknown

Tell me About Europe

Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. For years I fought to understand the things I had done, for which I had to forgive myself, and the things that had been done to me, for which I had to forgive others. I think the hardest part was trying to understand myself. I couldn’t allow any slack in my judgment, I was my harshest critic. With others I used a tactic of avoidance, by not thinking of these things I had forgiven them. These issues converged to create a ‘great sadness’ in me. It was the cloud that shadowed my thoughts of the past. I was still happy and out-going Clare but those who were close could see how I struggled with myself at times. One of my parents’ friends who is a healer pulled me aside once and told me I needed to let whatever it was I was holding on to go. She told me I needed to thank the past for happening instead of trying to change it.

I thought she was crazy.

I mean these things are supposed to affect the rest of your life. At least that’s what Dr. Phil says. I was perfectly justified to be angry at the world. I loved break-up songs and angry songs, anything that would help me raise my middle finger to the world.

Then my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

It’s amazing how someone else’s suffering makes you realize how petty your own is. One of my sadness’ was that I had lost contact with my extended family after I moved to college. I told people my family was an independent bunch and the missed holidays didn’t mean much. As I was flying home I thought, “Why am I doing this?” I hadn’t spoken to my aunt in ages; I thought I didn’t need her anymore. She needed me. I was the prodigal child coming home. I didn’t know if anyone would say anything about how I had acted in the past, not visiting and ‘doing my own thing’. They didn't.

The moment I will never forget is when my aunt was laying in a hospital bed receiving chemo and I was sitting next to her. She took my hand, closed her eyes, and said “tell me about Europe.” My aunt who had never traveled in her life, due to a childhood bout with polio, wanted me to share my adventures. She told me she was so proud of me for studying abroad and becoming an independent woman. She was forgiving me.
I thought back to my parents’ friend and I said thank you.

Forgiveness is a process of understanding and acceptance. Sometimes you don’t know you’re in the process at all. Then one day you realize that the anger and bitterness are gone and life is beautiful.

When we met light was shed. At that moment everything was easy and made sense. The world no longer seemed like a place full of confusion and anger. I knew you would affect the rest of my life. I remember watching you when you weren’t looking, you moved so effortlessly. The stride in your step gave me reassurance. The strength in your glance was given to me and I felt complete.

I breathe by your looks and you look right through me. My strength is gone now that you have left. I was once the independent who loved to walk alone, now I wander for days. I try to reclaim your memories. Your voice no longer rings in my memories. Did you have an accent? Was your voice as strong as you made it seem?

And some great need in me starts to bleed. Years have passed since you came to me. I should no longer be waking with your name on my lips. I have discovered a hole I thought was full long ago. Though I know all of this is only a phase. You are gone and soon your memory will be too. I will wait to heal because I know there is beauty in the waiting.

--this is just a free writing exercise. I am not writing about anyone in particular. I was inspired by the lyrics of a song (in italics).

I am dead.
I've jumped from the railing above the underpass. Have you ever wondered if our bodies really do make that splat sound you hear in the cartoons? Well we do, it is the sound of our soul leaving our bodies, either that or our bodies colliding with the pavement...
Cough
I am awoken from my day dream of death. I have been sitting in the University library longer than I would like to admit. Staring out the window watching passerbys and hoping that one of them will have the guts to do it, to jump. I look up at the ceiling, a basic white with modernistic carvings of squares. I wonder which architect thought it was a good idea to make an university library, boring and average in every way, have a modern art ceiling. Was he trying to infuse a bit of interest into his otherwise dull creation?
Another cough
Great right before I die from absolute boredom I am going to catch Avian Flu. Of course I could always just jump...
and this is why I pay to go to University.

America! Fuck Yeah!

"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America"--Bill Clinton


"There's the country of America, which you have to defend, but there's also the idea of America. America is more than just a country, it's an idea. An idea that's supposed to be contagious."--Bono


"England and America are two countries separated by a common language"--George Bernard Shaw


"Europe will never be like America. Europe is a product of history. America is a product of philosophy"-Margaret Thatcher


"I just want to say this. I want to say it gently but I want to say it firmly: There is a tendency for the world to say to America, "the big problems of the world are yours, you go and sort them out," and then to worry when America wants to sort them out."--Tony Blair


"America lives in the heart of every man everywhere who wishes to find a region where he will be free to work out his destiny as he chooses."--Woodrow Wilson

Gorillaz-Dirty Harry
I've liked this song for a while but never listened to the lyrics.

Your water's from a bottle
Mine's from a canteen
At night I hear the shots
Ring so I'm a light sleeper
The cost of life, it seems to get cheaper
out in the desert with my street sweeper
The war is over
So said the speaker with his flight suit on
Maybe to him I'm just a pawn
So he can advance
Remember when I used to dance
Man, all I want to do is dance

No Other Way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep
And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way--Jack Johnson

"America is a vast conspiracy to make people happy"--John Updike

I've been thinking about America and how it feels to be American. With the number of people I've met here that would like to live in America one day I am perplexed by my home country. The American dream and all of that...what effect does it really have on us as Americans and how we think of ourselves?

Counting Crows and Love

"It seems like I should say, 'As long as this is Love'. But it's not all that easy."--Anna Begins, Counting Crows

Yeah that's right, the Counting Crows are doing a tour this summer. It is quite possible that I will die from excitement if I go. So to all my friends, goodbye.

On a serious note; I was reading my Bible this morning and I read one of my favorite passages. I know it's a lot of people's favorite but it's so great that I had to share it.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought ike a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see fce to face. Now I know in part,; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remian: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

"This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time I bleed for you"--fuel

Sometimes you got to say no.

This is by one of my favorite artist Barbar Kruger. I really like her work because she uses simple images and words to convey big meanings.

A Little Piece

I recently went home to Texas to help take care of my Aunt Jane. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to be moved to Houston to receive chemotherapy. None of my family lives in Houston so I felt that I should travel back so that I could be by her side everyday. I was unsure how the experience would pan out. I was expecting a depressing three weeks filled with hospital visits and soothing my aunt's fears. This is roughly how the first week went. The first chemo treatment was grueling. My aunt has anxiety attacks so my focus was on keeping her calm and helping her remain lighthearted during the procedure. We were at the hospital for 12 hours and I was finding it hard to not let my exhaustion show. I thought to myself that I was unsure how I was going to make it for three weeks. Then something amazing happened. My aunt made it through the treatments beautifully, she was not heavily fatigued or nauseous. She was so happy to have me next to her that her feelings transferred to me. I began to take joy in the days I would see my aunt and her smiling face. I was able to spend time with her like I hadn't since I was a child. We talked about boys, school and friends. She told me about my grandmother and my great aunt the spinster. The hospitals changed from buildings full of death to people full of life. I think when people know their days are numbered they stop being petty and heartless with each other. I recognized the regulars and asked how their families were doing. I realized that death is inevitable and as some fight it most begin to see it as what it is, a part of life that must be accepted as other things are. Because someone is dying doesn't mean they stop living. Instead of searching for peace, they gave me a little piece of theirs.

"Picture me with you but you couldn't do it. Everything I said was true but I couldn't prove it"

This is just an ad for a single lady. Losers without jobs or intellect need not apply.

"You are just another thing I've yet to fathom"

There are moments in life when you realize that from this day forward everything will have to be different. It's hard for others to understand because these moments don't usually have physical manifestations. What I mean is that one can't simply look at a person and know that they are different than they were the day before. Also, words are words until we follow them with action. I've had one of these moments. Though the moment was approximately two weeks ago things have been different. At that moment I realized that I needed to start living with the integrity I had prided myself on in the past. There are some that say the things that oppress us are religions and society. These people are trying to change the world with their new "intellectual" insight. But they've missed what people have known for centuries, trying to live for yourself with your own rules doesn't work. We do not always know what is best for us. My dad owns a book called the four agreements, basically they are the four rules one should live by. They are: Always be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Do your best, Don't make assumptions. I agree whole heartedly with these basic principles on life but there has to be something more. These do not tell us to love others, the greatest commandment of all. At the end of the day that's all we have, Love. God's love, our friend's love, our familie's love. Nourish those relationships that contain true love because giving up on them is one of the biggest mistakes a person can make.

Mindless Muttering


Thoughts regress into the blank truth
Bold heartache giving way to mindless muttering
Missing a thought more than a person
Wanting a touch and not caring who it is from
These inclinations is what drives me
They drive me into arms I have no place to be
You don’t understand how someone can do
All the things that I do to you and neither can
I, dream of something that might be truth or peace
A faceless entity of love that could be you or someone else
I awake knowing you are a mixture of everything
I’ve made you to be, you are what I perceive you to be
We are looking for something outside of ourselves
To believe in and give our hearts to but then we find
That our belief is found inside and is made of us

A Jack Johnson song I never noticed before but seems appropriate now.


A brand new baby was born yesterday, just in time
papa cried, baby cried, said your tears are like mine
i heard some words from a friend on the phone
that didn't sound so good
the doctor gave him two weeks to live
i would give him more if i could
you know that i would now
if only I could
you know that i would
if only I could
down the middle drops one more grain of sand
they say that new life makes loosing life easier to understand
words are kind they help ease the mind
I miss my old friend
though you got to go
we'll keep a piece of your soul
one goes out
one comes in
you know that I would now
If I could
you know that I would now
If I could

Excited about your party in some second-rate bar on St. Patty's?

going to ireland for St. Patrick's Day. Be back to blogging next week.

so let's review; MY LIFE IS COOLER THAN YOURS

A Little Selfish

So I was told the other day that most blogs are pointless introspective dribble. Well that's probably true and I'm sure mine has been that at times. But I like to write and I like entertaining other people so I'm going to try to make more interesting blog entries.

So I'm reading the Fountainhead right now and for anyone who hasn't read it, do it. The book brings up a lot of good points and observations about life. This book is my boyfriend's favorite and he was explaining Objectivism, the author's philosophy on life. There's one point that at first didn't go over so well with me but as I put it into practice I found that it is a great concept. The basic idea is that we should love other people and such but first over all look after our own interest in the long run. This isn't short-term selfishness but long-term. If people were to truly take care of themselves and see what would be best for their life than I think we would all be a lot happier. Case in point, I have an ex-boyfriend I was trying and trying to be cordial and nice to. I was making myself miserable to show him that I was sorry about breaking up. I didn't want to get back together with him I was just putting his interest first because I thought that's what love was. Then I realized that I needed to be more selfish. If talking to him makes me miserable then why should I? I need to look after my own emotional and mental health number one. It seems we make ourselves miserable everday because we feel we owe it to somebody. We don't. People only have the power over you that you give them. Or put differently, we teach others how to treat us.

So from now I'm going to be more selfish. But being selfish in the long-term also means loving people, not burning bridges but walking away calmly. Having my friends and family is in my best interest in the long term so I will continue to give them all my love. I just won't waste my emotion on those who don't deserve it.

My Serenity

There’s something to be gained
By walking slowly in the rain
I know this much is true

Feeling the small trickle of heaven
Drops coldly count to seven
They feel like you

To walk undefeated below a cloud
Unclearly covered in a shroud
I am invisible, unbeatable

I dare heaven to hold me back again
Dare to doubt the minds of men
My knowledge untouchable

I am here, I scream without permit
I live, breath without consent
This independence is cold

The world is heavy on my shoulders
Gone faith that moved boulders
Twenty seems so old

I am left alone in an ancient wood
That told me what I should
Respect all above me

But this wood has become my fiend
Does not know what I’ve seen
Heaven on earth

Our creation shared by a common author
Does it too hate our father?
Hell is our worth

I guess there’s something to be gained
As my thoughts fall into the rain
Questions of identity

Where is my serenity?

Beyond My Scope

Bright open skies of future
Carried on the back of hope
May the winds of realization
Cure this queer fixation

Searching for a clean sheet
Paper to write my story upon
Memories fill each line before
My hands can ask for more

Clouds shadow opportunity
Recollection causes despair
No new leaf to turn around
The broken clips of sound

I will walk back to that sky
My open sky of future
I will carry on my back the hope
Of a future that is beyond my scope

OMG! I went for a run at 9am and it was nice and sunny. Went to class at 11 and it was still beautiful. Came out of class at 1pm and everything was covered in snow!

"Why'd you sing Hallelujah if it means nothing to you?"--Damien Rice, Delicate

I love me some Jack Johnson

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard. No song that i could sing. but I could try for your heart. Our dreams, they are made of real things like a shoebox of photographs with sepiatone loving. Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like, why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together. It's always better when we're together. Yeah, look at the stars when we're together. Well, it's always better when we're together. Yeah, It's always better when we're together. And all of these moments just might find their way into my dreams tonight. But I know that they'll be gone when the light sings and brings new things. For tomorrow night you see that they'll be gone too. Too many things I have to do. But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between with only two, just me and you. Not so many things we got to do or places we got to be. We'll sit beneath the mango treee now. I believe in memories. They look so, so pretty when I sleep. Hey now, and when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me. But there is not enough time, and there is no song I could sing and there is no combination of words I could say. But I will still tell you one thing, we're better together.

"what if I got it wrong
and no poet or song
could put right what I got wrong
or make you feel I belong"--Coldplay, What If

I was reading some other blogs yesterday and I realized that there are issues I have yet to address on mine, namely Christianity. I don't know why it took me so long to get around to my own personal feelings on the subject. I have been a Christian since I was 13 years old. As I look back now it seems so young but my life has always been full of heartache so at thirteen I was far from the innocent girl you might think. Though the biggest test of my faith came much later at the age of 18. It's amazing how close two years ago can still seem sometimes. A number of factors came together to leave me feeling alone and unable to control my surroundings. If you have read earlier entries then you know about my battle with various eating disorders, namely bulemia. After reaching my bottom I went to Christian counseling and it quite literally saved my life. Now being here has been a test on its own. Europe is not religion central, to say the least. Out of my core group of friends, two are athiests, one is an agnostic, and the other is a struggling Christian like myself. One of my athiest friends tried to break my resolve toward Christianity by showing me how foolish it was. We would go rounds around each other and I tried all the basic "salvation arguments" in the book. Finally I told him about the things I had gone through two summers ago and what Christianity had done for me. I told him that I could never turn my back on God completely because of this experience. Finally he understood and we haven't fought over it since. We occasionally talk about theology but I'm not trying to convert him and he's not trying to convert me. Maybe there are those out there who think that I'm not doing my Christian duty by letting his beliefs be. Maybe I'm not. But in the end God isn't insecure and neither am I. My Christian walk is more of a stumbling, meandering stagger. I don't read my Bible like I should or go to church at all. I get annoyed when people act like Christianity is the only thing in their life worth talking about, namely my mother. As someone once so eloquently put it, "i'm not one of those christians that oozes with Godliness".

I don't know what any of this entry was supposed to mean except that my friends back home don't need to start worrying about my salvation yet and my friends here don't have to worry about me throwing a Bible at them yet.

"I'm not losing me, I'm gaining you"

I heard a long time ago, in an effort to keep me chaste, that every time you have sex with someone you give a piece of yourself away. Now I maintain that this is true and I'm not condoning casual sex. Though I was thinking about this in the context of Love. Everytime you love someone you give them a piece of you. I know this every time I look at my friend who has never loved someone. There is something freeing about giving yourself away but somehow I feel a little more broken than she is. Then it occured to me that if I'm giving myself away then so are they and it is their gift to me that fills the space my gift has left. It's like the Counting Crows said, "me but all you but still me". I am a mixture of people that have come in and out of my life. I might have a track record but it makes me a better person in the end, having all these pieces that converge to make me the complex individual I am. This is why you should choose the choice of your affection wisely, they will be with you long after they have gone.

I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new

I'm leaving to go to Norway tomorrow morning and this fact is both the worst thing and the best thing. I want nothing more than to get away from it all but I'm so tired of dealing with all the traveling. My body is tired and my soul is tired. Here is a song that gives me hope that there is healing, acceptance, and most of all Love at the end. It's by Blue Merle and named Part of your history

I always knew that you'd do great things
didn't ever want to slow you down
I was there when you learned to use your wings
and I saw you leave the ground

time spent in your sweet arms
was the best time that i've known
maybe the reason i was here at all
is to see you carry on

don't you know i'm still remembering
i was once someone to you
girl you were meant for something better
it doesn't matter anymore what you think of me
just proud to be part of your history

I knew the time was coming soon
'cause you were growing up so fast
sometimes you can lose so much
when you try to make it last

I always knew you'd do great things
didn't ever want to slow you down
i was there when you learned to use your wings
and i saw you leave the ground

don't you know i'm still remembering
i was once someone to you
girl you were meant for something bigger
it doesn't matter anymore what you think of me
just proud to be part of your history

doesn't matter anymore 'cause you set me free
just proud to be part of your history

"I can look in to your eyes and see the mess we're in. Well darling if it's shit came out then I suppose that its shit went in."

I'm pissed.
I was telling my friend that has never had a boyfriend that there are different types of break-ups. There are those that tear your heart apart because you really thought you were going to be together forever, those are the ones you never really get over. Then there are the ones that it hits you one day that you don't quite go together as a couple and really shouldn't date anymore, those are relatively peaceful and can end with the two of you being friends. Then there are those that you fight for and fight for only to realize that one day that maybe it's better if you're not together. Once you've been a part for a while and see what the other person is really like you become severely pissed off that you even wasted so much time on the relationship in the first place. I am there.

so I went to Turino, Italia this weekend for the Winter Olympics. Totally awesome and since I know I will have to tell this story a million times here is a condensed version so I can at least pretend that it will decrease the number of times I repeat this story.

So we started out on Friday evening at 7. We (Kirsten, Elizabeth, Fran, and I) had to take a train to London, a subway to the bus station, a bus to the airport and then sleep in the airport so we could make our 10am flight. We survived the first night on the tile floor and later some semi-comfortable chairs. We arrived in Italy and took a bus into the town center. We didn't have a place to stay for the night so we wondered around the city, looking at the different plazas. We ran into some Italian guys and then American guys who gave us the idea of going to a pub to get out of the cold for a while. When I walked in to the pub I immediately spotted these two girls wearing Texas A&M shirts. We sat down with them to drink and eat and soon discovered that most people in the bar were in the same predictament as we were, without a place to stay. The rest of the night was amazing. We stayed at the pub till 4am making friends with tons of countries. By the end of the night Kirsten and I were friends with nearly everyone in the bar. Finally the time came to leave our new best friends to catch our train to Milan where we had reserved a hostel. We found some americans that were living in Switzerland that were staying in Milan also and rode with them.
We arrived in Milan at 730am and proceeded to go to our Hostel. Mind you I hadn't had sleep in almost 36 hours at this point. When we got to the hostel they told us that we could not go to our rooms till 11 and that we could not sit in the lobby, we were thrown back out into the streets of Milan. We managed to find a McDonalds, after Kirsten tried to sleep on the floor of the subway station, and realized that the McDonalds didn't open till 9am. We sat outside dead tired, starving, and hung over. Kirsten said it was the worst moment of her life, to which I responded that she must have a great life because we were still in Italy watching the Olympics which was pretty freaking awesome. Finally when they opened the doors we rushed in to discover that they didn't start serving food till 10 and that the only morsel we could have was from the coffee bar which had a selection of croissants. we sat down in teh warm store trying not to pass out and buying random food items so that they wouldn't kick us out. We waited around till right before 11 and went back to the Hostel. Upon our arrival we were told that the first receptionist was wrong, our room would not be ready till 2pm. I think the lady saw the look on our faces and told the maid to please rush our rooms, we were in by 12. We slept away the rest of our stay in Milan and awoke at 1am to catch a train back to Turin, or so we thought.
See Elizabeth had failed to notice that there wasn't an earlier train to Turin because the train station didn't even open till 4am. We were told this little tidbit by our cab driver on the way to the station. so we were forced to sit outside the train station in the early morning hours waiting for it to open. Once the station did open our train sitll wasn't scheduled to leave for another hour and a half so we snuck on and slept in the dark of the train. When we arrived in Italy we had to find the bus to get to the Olympic village, the easiest feat yet, and arrived on time to the curling competition at 9am. Curling was pretty awesome, I have to admit I had never watched the sport before so I was quite intrigued. Afterwards, we had 6 hours till our next even. what we thought was plenty of time.
After we got back to the Olympic village we got on the wrong city bus and ended up an hour later stopped in some random neighborhood as the lone occupants of the bus. After another half hour ride we decided to just get off and find our own way around with the map. we preceeded to get lost though thankfully an english speaking italian noticed our plight and pointed us to a bus stop that would get us to where we needed to go. We decided to split up when we got to the train station so that kirsten and fran could order us some lunch at a nearby pizzeria and elizabeth and I could check into the hostel. When Elizbeth and I got the Hostel we found that the room was meant only for two people and therefore there were only two small (smaller than my university dorm room bed) beds in the room meant for the four of us. At that point, a bed was a bed and we really didn't care anymore. We made it back to the local pizzeria that fran and kirsten were supposed to be at but it was closed because the italians were taking their midday break. we found the two at the pub we had frequented two nights before and we gorged ourselves on pizza, jacket potatoes, and burgers, it was our first real meal since the trip had began.
We made it to skiing, though we barely made it to the train (the doors were closed and we had to convince the conductor to let us on) and that night we pushed the beds together to sleep like only people who have been without proper sleep in so long can.
At this point you might wonder what else could go wrong. well nothing did. we had a wonderful italian meal and toured turin the last day. We made it back to Uni by 1030 that night. With everything that went wrong I have to say that I never felt so alive than this weekend. It will forever stand out as one of the best times of my life.

"The past is told by those who win. What matters is what hasn't been"--Jimmy Eat World

I recently saw The Vagina Monologues. Now for those of you out there who think this is an opening for a feminist rant then I'd hate to disappoint but it's not. I loved the play, I thought it was brilliant and hilarious but also had it's stumbles. To further increase the anxiety of listening to women talk about their vaginas for two hours I went with a male friend of mine. He was a good sport about the play though I could tell there were times when he was thoroughly uncomfortable, compounded by the fact that he doesn't have any sisters to help him understand the mystery that is women. So back to the beginning, I was watching the Vagina Monologues and for those who haven't seen the play it consist of 25 women acting different monologues about various women issues. One of the women was speaking and I was struck by her voice and trying to decide if she was American or not. This may sound silly to those who have never studied abroad but there are two major things that can make deciphering an American accent difficult. First of all, since I am constantly surrounded by varying accents my ears have come to accept each voice as its own without immediately trying to decipher the origin of the accent. Secondly, many international schools have American teachers and are attended by American children so it is entirely possible that someone can have an accent that on the surface seems American but in fact is not. So I asked my companion if the girl was American and he responded in the affirmative. He also mentioned that there was another American girl he had noticed at the beginning of the play. I quickly scanned the crowd of women and immediately my eyes fell on her. I can't explain what an American woman looks like unless you have spent a fair time in another country. I had heard English men speak of the beauty of American women but I was unsure on what they meant until I saw her. While the other young women sat non-chalantly in their seats waiting their turn, she sat on the edge of her seat, legs crossed with her arms carefully draped over her legs. She was completely self-possessed, confidant, and elegant. It reminded me of what one friend had said when I asked him why he liked American women. He said "their confidance" was number one. Watching this Amiercan woman I finally understood what my friend meant. Next to her all the English Women looked like children, constantly pulling at their waist coasts, unsure of what lay ahead. I quickly observed my own posture in my chair and wondered if I too held her stateliness. How American am I? That is a question I am trying to answer everyday.

"American girls are weather and noise, playing exchanges for all of the boys."-Counting Crows, American Girls

Jack Johnson- Cocoon. I could listen to this guy all day

based on your smile
im betting all of this might be over soon
but you're bound to win
because if i'm betting against you, i think i'd rather lose

but this is all that i have, so please
take whats left of this heart, and use
please use only what you really need
you know i only have so little, so please
mend your broken heart and leave

i know its not your style
and i can tell by the way that you move its real real soon
but im on your side
and i dont want to be your regret, id rather be your cocoon

but this is all that you have, so please
let me take whats left of your heart, and i will use
i swear ill use only what i need
i know you only have so little, so please

let me mend my broken heart
you said this was all you have
and its all i need
but blah blah blah
because it fell apart
i guess its all you knew
and all i had
but now we have
only confused hearts
i guess all we have
is really all we need

so please
lets take these broken hearts, and use
lets use only what we really need
you know we only have so little, so please
take these broken hearts and leave

Introduction to something, I'm not yet sure what.

“What was love supposed to be like?” She yells out to me through the rain. Her dress is soaked through and I immediately know she has been standing out her for hours. I stare at the shivering face of my fallen angel Maria. I haven’t seen her since the fall. The red and golden leaves drifted down to her as she descended with each lie. Maria, the girl that had given her heart to me at fifteen and taken it back at twenty. I had the sudden urge to give her warmth. I opened my mouth to ask if she wanted to come in but my words were lost.
“What was love supposed to be like?” Her face pleaded with me for an answer.
“What were you waiting for?”
“Did you expect us to be perfect?”
“Were you waiting for me to be perfect?” Her questions are coming too fast and my mind can’t comprehend their meaning. Maria, oh Maria, you tasted like summer and always stopped to dance in the rain. I thought having her in my life made everyday mean something. I wish I could hold you again.

Jimmy Eat World, Kill

well you're just across the street
looks a mile to my feet
i want to go to you
funny how i'm nervous still
i've always been the easy kill
i guess i always will

could it be that everything goes around by chance?
or only one way that was always meant to be?
you tell me you always know the perfect thing to say
i know what i should do but i just can't walk away

i can picture your face well
from the bar in my hotel
i wish i'd go to you
i pick up, put down the phone
like your favorite heatmiser song goes
"it's just like being alone"
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting after means
you tell me you got some nerve but can't face your mistakes

i know what i should do
but i just can't turn away
so go on love
leave while there's still hope for escape
you got to take what you can these days
there's so much ahead, and so much regret

I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you and I should of said it
but tell me what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby this is who I am
I'm sorry but i can't just go turn off how i feel
you tell me you fill me up but just to watch me break

I know what i should do
but i just can't walk away.

I am sad, angry, hurt, scared, ashamed.

No post for a couple of days, I'm going to Barcelona. How sweet is my life? It's awesome when a guy hits on you at the club and ask what you're doing this weekend and you say; "Barcelona", next weekend?
"Italy"
next weekend?
"Norway"
after that?
"Inverness (Loch Ness)"
and then?
"London"
so I'm pretty much never going to see you again?
'yeah pretty much'